Sunday, clean version

May 4, 2008

Current mood:annoyed

Exercised so I'm feeling better. Been feeling real tired and weak for the majority of the weekend. Had a good time Friday night. Went to MoFo and hung out after drinks at Sharp Edge. Allen and I both drank too much. He got involved in a 2 hour convo with some Canadians. Then there was almost a knife fight involving 3 bike punks and a drunken old man who kept saying he always came out to Blurg Fridays and never had any problems before. Saturday I slept off and on until about 3pm. Went to late lunch/early dinner with Jim and Becky and came home and laid around some more. Asleep by 11:30pm. Today, grocery shopping and alone time!

Been feeling bummed for no discernible reason. Ugh! That's so not true. Work, school, PGH, money, computer, and now needing to find a car again...

"What if I said you can't complain and you can't be quiet?" Allen asked me this morning. "I'd go off into the woods," I replied.

I read Darkness Visible by Wm. Styron last night. It's the short memoir he wrote about depression. I found it to be much better than I had been led to believe by the reviews on goodreads. He talks mostly about the inability of people who have never been in the grips of a really good melancholy to understand how absolutely black it is. He mentioned how it would feel like he was drowning or suffocating, which is how it's always been for me and this is reflected in the tattoo I have on my arm. He also talks about how difficult it is to try to explain what it feels like. Unless you've been there you have no idea what it's like. What it's like to physically hurt yourself just to feel something. What it feels like to be absolutely convinced that the only way out is to kill yourself. To feel like you're constantly drowning but not dying. To be without hope. To be so tired, so exhausted, and then not be able to sleep because of the storm raging inside your head. To be in a fog, a stupor, but still find it necessary, no, imperative, to continue your daily life as if nothing were wrong. To lose your memory. To not have any memory of the things people tell you you did. To not care one way or the other if you see another person for days, whether you eat or you don't. To care about what you eat.

*see quote, separate post*

God damn it! Admitting that he was right again? Isn't that what's happening here? Son of a bitch. Yeah, I'm always depressed. Always. I've accepted it. Have you?