I Demand a Recount.

Guys, guys, guys! My birthday is coming up. It's a big one and, as usual, I haven't made any plans. Story of my life. No plans.

I mean, there are a couple of big ones I'm working on. Moving back to Philly being the main plan right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been here before. 2 years ago. I think it's all about Wawa. But I've updated my resume (last week), made an application on Penn's website (this week), maybe next week I'll actually start applying for jobs. Five months isn't a long time. You get used to living in PGH and it's hard to get out... you get lazy and used to paying your bills.

But I'm getting old. And I know it's overly dramatic but the other day I literally wrote that if I don't get out of here soon it's going to be a death sentence. I can't die here. I have better things to do.

I'm in a panic about bringing it up to my boss, though, because he's an old man who has told me and everyone else repeatedly that I can't leave him because his dead wife sent me to him and if I leave her ghost will haunt me. He says this. I think he's only half joking. But the thing is, I could really use his help with finding a job. GRR!

And I know I'm kind of PMS-y right now. And I have to pay taxes, another reason Pittsburgh has been fucked up. We've never owed money until we came here. Trying to find a job stresses me the fuck out. Our clothes dryer stopped working. I'm blaming Heather and all the weird shit she puts in there like boots and stuffed animals. No one's called about it being broken, though. Why would we? My birthday, needing a haircut, grocery shopping, driving to Philly at the end of the month, all these things are stressing me out. And I'm tired, very, very tired. Don't even get me started on the drinking, or rather the trying not to drink and the cake and the McDonald's, potato chips...

Yet I'm feeling strangely optimistic right now.

I know. 

Mass Confusion: An Apology

Beginning to reconsider my hasty decision to move back to Philadelphia. Yes, it's true. As lonely as it can feel here, I'm not sure I can handle the forced group hangouts of Philadelphia and the general stress that comes with living there.  Yeah, yeah, I know they're not mandatory but they kinda are. Six or less is a good number for most things, not 30. I see pictures on facebook (which I absolutely despise right now) of large groups in Philly and I start hyperventilating and hating myself. Actually, I see anything on fb and I start hating myself. It's a black hole. I would like to publicly apologize to Hot Dog for taunting him about not being there.

Philadelphia: Everything's convenient there, unlike here, but it's ugly. Real ugly. And now there's MegaBus so it costs like $5 to get from here to Philly in record time (compared to the train).

I'm too worried about finding a job and paying rent in Philly. I accumulated a lot of debt when I lived there and I don't want to deal with that again. There has to be another compromise. Something better than Pittsburgh or Philadelphia, I just don't know where it is. I'm wondering if I shouldn't stay here, take my nursing prereqs at CCAC, then decide on a nursing BSN program somewhere else in the country. CCAC is a lot cheaper than CCP but also less convenient...

I'm going to hate anything or anywhere right now because of my mental health combined with my lack of health care, so easier, if less convenient, might actually be better. I just don't want to get stuck here forever.

I wish I were less fickle and changeable in my nature. On an unrelated (or is it?) note I've become annoyed and embarrassed lately with the number of people who ask me what I do and/or what I'm into. Um, nothing? Does there have to be something? I don't go out and I have a shallow-at-best interest in a variety of things but no actual "hobbies." I don't "live," goddamn it, I do my best to survive. Especially when there's no therapy/medication except for alcohol.

Ugh, I have to stop writing about this. I hate crying at work.

So, in conclusion, I apologize if I prematurely excited Philadelphia folks. It's not 100% ruled out but it may be a while longer before we leave PGH (ack!). I do love Philadelphia but I don't think I love it enough to subject myself to its horrors right now.

 (I wish I could remove the tag but I don't have the capabilities)

"If I ruled the world..."

WTF? Is SBD burning toast?

For those of you who don't know, SBD is our downstairs neighbor.  He's very quiet, hence, SBD.  Silent But Deadly.  Sometimes the downstairs hallway smells like farts.  He drinks cheap beer and mid-grade whiskey which I appreciate, but it can lead to stinky farts.  And he's less friendly than I am.  That says a lot.  With his weird flat mohawk and NOFX hoodie, and his Volvo with Massachusetts plates. 

(Today I ate half a donut and the leftover oily Chinese food from the night before.)  (And I stole a diet Coke from the work fridge.)  One day I'll be a wench but never a skinny bitch.  (Inside joke.)  (Then I'll go to Shampoo with you but we'll both be in drag so no one will know!) (More inside jokes.)

I wanted to write a post about all the things I'll do when I go back to Philly.  Maybe I'll still do that for next week. Mostly the things I want to do involve walking around, sitting in parks, and Chinese grocery stores. I really do miss that place like crazy. I'm going to cry now just thinking about it. Reading Terminal Market, that little park next to the Mutter Museum, the huge Asian market on 6th street that smells awful. Tofu hoagies from Fu-Wah, Clark Park, Washington Square, Fergie's, Monk's, Nodding Head, bagel sandwiches at Benna's, trips to Ocean City and LBI in the summer, Wawa! Hearing about how awesome Hammonton was for the gazillionth time...

And it seems Kung Fu Necktie isn't so bad... I want to come back so bad.  Nowhere else has ever felt so much like home. I even want that maniac who couldn't figure out how to get out of the Chinatown Wawa to come back into my life: "LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!" That was the best. And I want to go to your art show, whoever you are (Bonsky?).  And I want Andrew to tattoo me everyday and I want to hang out and be social like I've never been before.  And I want to walk to the art museum and the hobo library and ride the el and have some guy try to sell me socks at the weirdest moments and I want to slip and fall into the LOVE Park fountain. I want people to get fevers from "swimming" in the fountain at Logan Squircle (yeah, I made that one up - squircle). Fuck. I want to go to Temple and be an undergrad taking mythology and Old English classes... My heart is breaking for what was and what I want the future to be... PLEASE!!! 

I want some fucking tater tot scramble from the Royal... I want Live 8 and Will Smith rehearsing and the backup dancers getting into a fist fight and Will Smith saying "only in Philadelphia" while Jeff looks sad and left behind on the turntables.  I want to giggle for no reason every time I walk past Ben Franklin's grave site, the same way I giggle when I walk by the African American Museum that's next to the federal pen and I wanna keep yelling "Lil' Kim" every time I walk past that prison whether she's in there or not.

Ugh.  I want to go home.  So much do I want this.

"I will help you on your way," PHILADELPHIA!!!

After yesterday's post I don't know what to say.  Ha, that's not true, I can ramble about nothing.  It does bug me out that it's always the posts that are hardest to write that get the least reaction.  If you write about something you had for dinner everyone has something to say about it.

So, what was for dinner?  Pizza.

I was looking for a photo of that pizza on the left and found this blog which is curiously enough from Philly and all about PIZZA!!!  AND there was a picture of one of my favorite people, Neil Hamburger, sitting in front of a pizza!  Who's blog is this?  I love it!

Like I love this pizza.  Archer Farms Spinach & Goat Cheese, exclusively at Target.  It gets less delicious as it cools but Allen and I eat like two of these a week.  Mmm.

What's for dinner tonight?  Don't know.  Allen wants Lorenzo's which I think is meh.  I really want a tofu hoagie from Fu Wah but that'll have to wait til tomorrow.

Stoked about our trip, not about the drive or arriving just in time to find out we missed Portal.  Super stoked about the prospect of karaoke tomorrow night.  I hope it will work out and there will people who can come.  

BTW, if you find yourself with a spare hour to kill, for the love of god watch this video:

Neil Hamburger, a bloody Will Oldham, a pool guy and stupid Andy Dick!  It's absolute genius!

See you in Philly!

P.S. Why did Julia Roberts rub shit in her vagina?