April 24, 2005
I actually turned the first few pages of this into my professor when I took a Short Story class. It felt weird but he liked it. I heart Prof. Beards. Oh the joy of thinly veiled fiction... The Virgin and the Whore: A Story On October 13 she lost her virginity to a boy she didn’t love. It didn’t matter to her then but now it seemed almost tragic. His parents were out for the night, it was his father’s birthday, yet he was still terrified of taking her into the empty house. He was 17 and he wasn’t allowed to be inside his own house with a girl, alone. Outside, fine, inside, no way. Girls weren’t allowed in his room even if one or both parents were home so she was almost completely unfamiliar with this most personal space of his. She had only ever looked in from the doorway. The room was unexceptional, almost totally bare of any personality, like the boy himself. The room was at the front of the house, the window facing the road, the typical smallish child’s bedroom in the typical rural/suburban rancher. It occurred to her that all of the boys’ rooms she had ever been in that involved fooling around had been in the same location. Front of the house, facing the road, small. He had a full-size bed, a chest of drawers, a closet, a stereo, and two or three posters on the walls, of what, she couldn’t now recall. One of them, she was pretty certain, had been of a bikini-clad lady with large breasts. They had only been dating a few weeks but she was impatient to lose her virginity, to know what all the fuss was about. The kids at her old high school, the same one Rick attended now, used to call her a whore before she had ever even had a real boyfriend. She never understood it or found out why they did it. She and Rick entered the house through the back door that went into the kitchen. They had to sneak because Rick was afraid one of his neighbors would see her and tell his parents that he had had a girl in the house. She thought this was absolutely ridiculous. She found some cookies in a jar on the counter and had a few. He led her back to his room where she had stood in the doorway for a few seconds looking around. Even then she felt disappointed with her selection. She went in, took off her shoes and lay down on the bed. They were both virgins and it was over quickly. He had been on top of her, he had worn a condom, and he had finished before she even realized it had begun. And it was so small. She hadn’t realized. She wondered if they were all that small. She had barely felt a thing. She had always heard that the first time was painful and there might be blood, but not for her. There had been a little pleasure, yes, but this had not been what she expected. She had barely made a sound. But still, somehow, she knew that this was something she could like. October 25th was their one month anniversary. She didn’t even notice which led to them fighting. He went on about how their relationship was one-sided and how she never gave. She was also mean and never initiated things. Whatever. All she had to do was act a little coy and tell him things he wanted to hear and it would all blow over. What did she have to give anyway? And why would she want to give it to him? A week later there was another fight. Again she had to smooth things over. She promised herself that she would try and treat him better, pay more attention to him maybe. He was a good guy and she could see no reason to end the relationship. There hadn’t been any more sex but she liked making out with him in his ugly Datsun with the huge stereo speakers in the back. He played some sort of bass music through them which made the whole car vibrate. She couldn’t call them songs exactly. It was just music for showing off. “He’s so damn sensible and so lacking in imagination,” she thought. November came and it was stormy. She started noticing more and more how controlling he tried to be. Especially when it came to her friends and how she wanted to spend her time. She and her friends, Brad and Sarah, liked to drink and smoke pot and just generally have a good time. Rick didn’t drink or smoke, even cigarettes, and his parents were so controlling. She never took him to hang out with her friends. The one time she took him to Brad's house Brad spent the whole time making fun of him without him noticing. Sarah thought she was too good for him anyway. Rick had to be home by midnight or earlier sometimes. She had met him while working together at a fast food place downtown and when they worked closing shifts Rick would always have to go right home but she would go out driving or to Denny’s with one of his best friends Mike, and Christie who they also worked with. They’d stay out till almost 2 am some nights and have a great time. She really liked hanging out with Mike who had this insane obsession with packing cigarettes as hard as he could. He would do it at work and once he showed her one that looked like it was half empty he had packed it so hard. Mike was fun. The three of them, Mike, Rick and her, hung out together sometimes but she enjoyed spending time with him more when Rick wasn’t around. Then there were Rick’s friends. A bunch of dorks who did, however, know how to have fun. They smoked and sometimes had access to alcohol. When they hung out with his friends and she got high with them he would give her disapproving looks and sometimes pull her aside to let her know that he didn’t like what she was doing. She was getting fed up with his lameness. She would write in her journal about his behavior: “This isn’t really about drugs,” she wrote, “but in a way it is. How he always tells me what to do...I told him I want to go out with Sarah this weekend and get drunk. He told me no. Like I’m not allowed.” She and Sarah had started going to Newark to hang out with some punk rockers they had met. The beginning of the end came the night they stopped by the restaurant to see Rick before they went to Newark. She wanted to borrow Rick’s leather motorcycle jacket to wear. When he gave her the jacket he also told her he wanted her to come back and meet him when he got off at 11 that night. Unbelievable. She had told him she was going out with Sarah, which meant she would be out with her all night. She told him she couldn’t do that. She might be drinking and she didn’t want to drive back to see him at eleven. They got into a fight right then and there. He was yelling at her about how terrible a person she was and demanding that she give him his jacket back. She refused to give it back and stormed out of the place with Sarah in tow. She fucking hated him. Journal: December 1. “I’ve got to break up with Rick. He’s starting to embarrass me. I told him not to get me anything for Christmas but I think he did last night. Which makes it that much harder to break up with him. And he’ll take it bad. I can’t stay with him much longer. I want to have a life again.” Later that week she broke up with him. Surprisingly he didn’t take it too hard. Even more surprisingly, she did. Especially when a few days after she broke up with him she heard through people at work that he had some new girl. And she was 15. Immediately she became jealous and started referring to her as “Bubbles the Wonder Whore”, mostly because she was blonde. And she was 15. And she was pissed that she had been growing her hair out for him when she really preferred her hair short. On December 13 she drove down to Mike’s house to see what he was up to. He was grounded and couldn’t leave the house with her so they hung out in his living room and she watched him play video games for a little while. They talked about Rick and Bubbles. They flirted, they had been doing this for a while, at work and when they went out after. Even though Mike lived farther in the opposite direction than Christie, the other girl they went out with, she always tried to drop him off last when the three of them went out. She liked being alone with him. Since his mom was home the day she dropped by, she invited him out to her car, which was parked in the driveway. He yelled to his mom that he was just going to walk her out to her car and she yelled back her okay. In the car she kissed him. He kissed her back. She ran her hand over the front of his sweatpants and was amazed to find out how large his stiff cock was. She told him as much. She told him how much bigger it was compared to Rick’s. He smiled. Things were heating up when Mike’s mom appeared at the front door. He had been gone too long. She had to go. That night she had a dream. She wrote in her journal the next day: “I had a dream last night, my wrist was slashed and I was bleeding, but not dying. No one in my family was worried. I knew I needed stitches but no one seemed to care. I woke up holding my wrist, afraid I was bleeding. I wasn’t of course. Small disappointment.” The next two weeks passed. She was deeply depressed. She didn’t see Mike again. She wrote poetry and spent a lot of time alone. Work was horrendous. She was still working with Rick. Mike hadn’t worked there in about a month. Rick started ordering her around at work, and since he was a better worker than her and had been there longer, she had to obey. It was humiliating. One day Bubbles came in while she was on the register. It took all she had but she was the nicest, friendliest, cashier ever to her. At home she began banging. She would bang her wrists on things until they were red and tender to the touch. On December 28th she called Rick’s friends. The next day she wrote in her journal: “Had sex with Chris. It all just happened. They were all in the room...I don’t belong to myself, I don’t own myself, I guess I don’t love myself. Apparently, from last night.” So it was Chris with the 8 inch dick who actually took her virginity. This time there was blood. She had done a terrible and amazing thing. They had all been in the room, Joey’s room, watching Chris fuck her. She remembered hearing one of them comment about how Rick had told them that she didn’t make any noise. She was making noise now. New Year’s Eve. She called them. She hadn’t made other plans and she didn’t want to sit at home alone. They wanted her to come over. They had alcohol and a house to themselves. Not long after she arrived Joe coerced her into going into the bathroom with him where he told her what a good kisser she was. There were five people in the house. She was the only girl. They spent some time just drinking and hanging out. Rick had stopped by and suddenly there was this “watch what I can do” immediacy enveloping her. They ended up in the bedroom. She beckoned to them, they came. Before she knew it she was half naked and fucking Chris again on Joe’s bed while the others stood around the room watching the show. Most importantly Rick was standing at the foot of the bed watching with the rest of them. She could hear him protesting but not out of concern, out of disgust, but he did not look away, which drove her. When Chris was done she let Pat have a turn. Rick left quietly. Pat was just as large as his best friend Chris. Then it was Joe. That was where she stopped. Afterwards it was surprisingly un-awkward being with them. She had just taken 2 boys’ virginity, or rather let them give it to her, in a single room, in a single night, while their friends watched. She felt pleased with herself. The next day’s journal entry read: “Drunk. Fucked 3 of them. Is that bad? I keep going over and over it in my head but I’m not sure.” Over the next couple of weeks Rick called her periodically, just to see if she could cover some of his shifts at work so he could take Bubbles out. Then one day he asked her to meet him. She had since spent more time with Rick’s friends and had quit her job. Rick had quit, too, but only to move to another fast food place the next town over. She could only assume that Rick knew about everything that was going on between his friends and her even though he hung out with them less and less these days. She met him in the parking lot of the McDonald’s he was now working at and he asked her to get into his car. She basically blocked out everything he said until he said ”I just thought you should know that I wasn’t a virgin.” “What?” she asked. “When we had sex, I told you I was a virgin. Well I wasn’t.” “Oh.” She refrained from laughing in his face. There was no way he was telling the truth. “Whatever,” she said. He had terribly overestimated his revenge. If it were true she felt immensely sorry for whoever else he had had sex with. She was so glad it had only happened once. But she was not happy. She was very depressed. She came out of her daydream to find herself sitting in front of her computer. She was very depressed. She wondered about the relevance of this story. Over the years it had been many things to her; sometimes power, sometimes shame. She had boasted about it to one friend, it had made another friend cry. To her, like most things, it just was. It is what happened.
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6 years ago