February 12, 2007It's a question that goes well beyond "to be or not to be." There's really no choice involved. This question applies to many parts of my life, for what it is. Do I want to be "mentally ill" or am I? Am I a writer or do I just want to be? Am I an alcoholic? Do I want to be a drug addict? Does my isolation make me crazier? For example, I wonder, nearly every day, if I'm going crazy or if I'm just being creative? I certainly want to be someone else. Does that make you crazy? Do I even care? I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want there to be anyone to hurt.
Who the hell is reading this thing anyway? Some one is according to the stats to the left. Are you watching me lose my mind? Will I remember it? Probably not. I'll probably just have another drink. I'm not brave, don't even think about trying that one. Desperate maybe. Stupid. Filter-less. Self-absorbed. Why would you equate honesty with bravery? Who made that one up?
All I know is that I'm not as smart as I want to be. Not as analytical as I want to be. Not as creative, not as pretty, not as engaging. Why won't something happen?
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