Thanksgiving

I'm in a fucking snit about Thanksgiving. I'm completely uninterested in participating because participating means cringing at very questionable beliefs about various races and sexual identities while all the time keeping my mouth shut and trying not to laugh outloud about my relatives love of the sweet baby Jesus. And last year, at my brother's house, Allen overheard something that at the time I blew off but which has since been really bothering me. It doesn't matter what it was, it was just completely outrageous.

And that's just my family. Without going into too much detail this is Allen's: Tension, Television, Abusive outbursts, Multiple poorly-trained large dogs, Depression. But things are probably different now since "Hoppy" had his stroke. But different how? It's the fear of the unknown that makes me want to cry at the very thought of going there.

I want to see Kenny and Chris so hopefully that will happen. Which reminds me, I need to see if we can get a room at the lovely Best Western across the street from the College. That was the best part of the trip last time, apart from going to Perkins in Newark for breakfast and seeing friends in Philly.

It's just a depressing fucking holiday. Almost as bad as Xmas. :-)

Jeez, I totally hit the Publish button when I meant to hit Preview.

Doesn't matter. But I had something else to say but I forgot what it was...

Oh. I'm going to get fucking whiskey drunk tonight. Cos I've had a rough week. :-( We'll see how that goes.

Check this out: http://www.well.com/~art/suicidenotes.html It's a pretty cool page of delicious suicide notes.

Old Me: Now, a song like "Touch Me, I'm Dick" is about... what?

The absolute randomness of all this is fascinating. The lack of depth (I start talking about peer pressure and then notice that I need to "do my nails") is, um, too familiar?  

I'm getting psyched about Thanksgiving already.  I think it's strange how no one else but us makes a big deal about Thanksgiving.  But not everyone else has 7 brothers and sisters.  We always make a big deal about Thanksgiving.  We all go to my brother David's since he has the biggest house.  It's a big deal anyway.  [Blah, blah, blah.]

I want to write about you-know-who again.  It's pretty sad that that's the only thing I can ever think to write about.  I called him last night but it wasn't very eventful. We didn't get to talk about much important stuff.  He just went on and on about what it is about him that nobody likes.  [And that's not about me so: not important.]  How am I  supposed to tell him when I don't think there is anything wrong with him.  So my mission for the day is to ask people what it is about him that's so bad.  His attitude maybe.  But I don't know what he's like in school this year since I don't have any classes with him.  From what I can tell he seems to be somewhat improving. [Lulz.]

I want to know when I get to come over his house.  I really, really want to see the boy wonder at home.  (Sounds like a good idea for a picture of some sort.)  [What?]  But it seems pretty rude of me to just ask him when I can come over.  I'm hoping to bring him to church with me eventually (within the next 6 weeks anyway [that's arbitrary]).  I also want him to read some of the stuff I've written in here about him.  Maybe we can do something Sunday.  But what I really want is for him to go to see the movie "Singles" with me.  But I don't really have a way to get there from here unless I beg.  I'll start working on it.

I don't get it.  "A Perfect Day for Bananafish."  What was this guy?  He sounds like a child molester.  And is this bananafish what everybody's thinking it is?  I'm glad he killed himself.  He was a very sick person.  I liked the story overall.  [Wow.]  Sounds just like something J.D. Salinger would write.  Isn't this Seymour Glass the same one who had killed himself in Franny and Zooey?

I think our relationship is in serious decline but the thing is I really don't mind.  I really hate to say it but I'm beginning to see Dave like everyone else does now.  I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I wonder if I really am considered mean sometimes.  [Yes.  I still am.]  I wish I hadn't said that, I don't want to have to explain it.  I'm beginning a depression.  I know what's causing it though.  I can never avoid it.  [PMS?]  I'm experiencing terrible feelings of guilt right now, guilt about Dave and about Sarah.  I still haven't called her.  I feel soooo bad.

I asked Jamie to say hi to Dave.  I hope he's here.  After little serious thought [so does that mean... should there be an "a" in there? or "some serious thought"?] I've concluded that I don't want to lose him (as a friend) I don't know what to do!  And I don't know what it is about us that makes us fight so much, well not get along anyway.

I'm so terribly bored.  I've got nothing to do.  I really should call Sarah.  All I've been doing is going to school.  That's pretty damn boring and I'm just a totally hopeless thing.  And I'm tired.  Very, very tired.  Why doesn't school start at 1 o'clock i' the afternoon?  I could probably make it then.  And we could get out around 7:30 p.m.  That would be dandy.

I really miss summer.  I had a darling summer.  Absolutely darling.  I miss the beach.  We would go there almost every week.  I miss that.  [God.  I still miss that.]

I'm making absolutely no sense whatsoever because I'm so tired I'm brain dead.  [I would like to point out that these last few paragraphs sound no different than anything else I had written, effectively nulling the tired argument.]

I wish it was friday.  I thought it was this morning.  But alas, it's only Thursday.  One day away from Friday, but Thursday all the same.  What a tragedy.

I don't know why but it irritates the hell out of me when I write stupid stuff like I just did.  April's afraid that if I go over Dave's house he'll molest me.  I just laughed.  She says his hair is pee color.  (Yes, as in urine.)  Ain't it grand?  (Rhetorical quest.)

What was I supposed to answer for Dave?  I know "why?" had to be part of it.  But why what?

Last night we went to see "Singles."  It was alright.  Nothing really memorable about it.  It was good but not that good.  [Zing!]  But overall I guess I had fun.  (I guess? -- What's that mean?)  I did have fun.  I had more fun in the car after the movie, [don't get too excited] but I always have fun listening to the radio in a car.  That's really bizarre IMO.  [I don't disagree.]  My mom's really strange about this whole thing.  But you're not allowed to have friends in my family anyway.  (I choose not to explain.)

I should make a list of reasons why I don't want to go out with Dave.  [Why would you do this???  And then why would you want him to read it???]  (I hate that phrase -- going out with, it just sounds so queer -- my word o' the day.)

1. It's not him, it's what other people think of him
2. Everybody's against it (friendwise)

[Two?  The list has two items?]  I guess it just all boils down to the big peer pressure issue again.  Nobody in my family's ever really let that affect anything they did.  I usually don't either.  (I really need to do my nails.)  I'm so sick of hearing the damn Muppet theme everyday here in study hall.  It's a bit annoying after a while.  

I don't know what to do!  (I'm lying.)  I know what to do but I don't know if I want to.  No.  I know I want to but I don't know if I should.  I think I should but what would that mean?  (I'm not even understanding my questions now.)  [That makes two of us.  Imagine, I kept information from MYSELF.  No wonder my memory is so shit.]

I'm glad April's here, she wasn't this morning.  I'm also glad Heidi and Heather are back.  Today we take back our table.  I'd rather not go into it.  

And I look crappy today.  But as usual I don't really care.  I never look this bad at home or anywhere else for that matter, only at school.  [We'll blame the fluorescent lighting.]  

And I can't stand this person sitting across from me.  (H.A.)  She's so annoying.  I try to ignore her but it really does no good.  [I actually do remember who this is...]

This is a good stopping point. There should be more drama coming soon and then everything implodes. Bizzee at work! Cheers!   

Thanksgiving Edition

Tomorrow (today) = 1 YEAR since I quit smoking. Srsly, not one cigarette in 1 yr.

Tuesday B4 Thanksgiving.  There's something about this holiday that makes me want to be drunk 24/7.  (Can I say that?)

Trying to come up with a new blog post but can't figure it.  Want to write about my Kanye affinity but can't find the words for it.

Ever get the feeling you're being watched?  Then wonder why you aren't getting notes?

Had this thought earlier: Secularity = lack of perversion... making usual perversions completely uninteresting and...boring.  But it could just be me b/c I was mocked earlier this evening (paraphrasing): "Nothing's interesting to you, is it?"

No.  I can pretty much imagine it all and then normalize it.  I've had that much psychotherapy in my lifetime.

Went to the library on my lunch break today.  Got two books.  Female Chauvinist Pigs and The Dirt on Clean.

Had to explain to a 75 (?) y.o. man what "LOL!" meant today.

Had a convo yesterday with a close to 75 y.o. about addiction vs. dependency.  Heroin is the only addiction, all others are "dependencies" according to JM.  I inquired about alcohol and he told me how he used to drink a bottle of alcohol a day but he liked to mix it with things like "crystal light."  I wanted to shout "get out of my mind!" but I didn't.  He kept saying that we will go to lunch together next week but we'll see.  I think we have a lot in common.

"You'll be my Frieda Kahlo - I'll be Diego Rivera."

Tell you a secret: I didn't like my Four Loko post.  I thought it could be infinitely better.
Another secret: I've been trying to figure out how to surreptitiously drink Four Loko all day on Thursday.

I also thought it would be funny to tell Hedges that I wanted to buy him a pillow for xmas. A pillow that you can plug your iPod into.  WTF?

Irony.  It's also for me.  As opposed to saying, "It's not just for hipsters anymore."
"Hipsters."  So post.

More excited about hanging out in a Best Western "up the street" from Cecil (Community) College than seeing family.  That's another secret.

It used to be CCC (Cecil Community College).  That's where I got a "D" in "college" level Chemistry when I was in 12th grade.  BTW: in my world everyone is so "post-smart" that they make fun of high schoolers taking "college" level classes.  Then I got in trouble and had to spend half the school day in "study hall."  I don't remember what I got in trouble for, I was just a troubled kid.  Did I tell you about the drug sniffing dogs and the Cavalier?

OMG!  As a "punishment" I had to do nothing for half a day in "study halls" instead of taking "college" courses at the community college!!!  Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?  Do you?  Because I couldn't muster the energy to "care" about high school I was kicked out of "college."  Think about it, Thanksgiving, think about it.

Actually I think it was because I was failing Physics and Trig in high school that I was kicked out of CCC; that and because I preferred to go to Taco Bell in Elkton for lunch with my skater friends...

In Between Days

I swear I am working on 3 or 4 other blog posts, I'm just not making much headway with them. In the meantime, here's a bit of a throwaway.

My toenails came off. Well, part of my toenails on my big toes. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be, it's nothing really. THAT THING on my finger is still there. I was bleeding it for a few days but when I stopped and thought it was all done it still didn't go away. No. Instead it got sore and filled up with blood again. This time I'm leaving it alone. Although I've been thinking of cauterizing it, putting a hot something (paper clip?) on it and trying to destroy it that way. Haven't yet and it seems smaller today so we'll see...

In other gross news there was a pimple on my tummy. I RARELY get pimples anywhere except on my face but recently one appeared on my tummy and it had a head on it so I popped it. One, two weeks later and it's STILL THERE! And it hurts and looks more like a boil now. I mean a "fur uncle." That photo (which I had to remove cos it gets more hits than anything else on this blog) is not of mine but it's eerily similar. I also recently had impetigo on my chin. I won't tell you what I told Allen I thought THAT was from! I am a walking gross factory. I'm blaming it on my imaginary "sugar 'betes."

Thanksgiving's just around the corner and with that comes the usual anxiety about travelling east to see family. It's not the seeing them that causes the anxiety (not my family anyway - Allen's is another story) but the actual travel and sleeping arrangements. Our car is fine for driving around town but I don't trust it much on the highway even though it's never let us down. I would like to get a rental but neither of us has a credit card so that's out. I guess we'll make the trip in the White Knight of Texas again and hope for the best. Also thinking about looking into a hotel/motel room but I can't think of where that would be, North East? Jesus. That's a weird thing to think about (if you're familiar with Cecil County.)

I signed up for a SoundCloud account last night re: "my music career." I haven't put anything up yet because I don't really mix anything, just make playlists so I don't know if it's even appropriate to post such things on there. What I want is one of these things (I would insert an arrow but I can't figure out how to do that on a PC) Look! That picture there! :

Not that I know how to work them or even what they're called, some sort of sampling thing and maybe a mixer of some sort but I don't want to deal in vinyl at all.

I've been "studying" existentialism as of a few days ago and somehow that's related to me going back and looking through old journals to try and decide if I have changed much over the past 15 years. So I pulled out stuff from 1995, 2000 and 2005. Turns out I haven't really changed much with regards to what I write in my "gurnal." A bunch of sad whining about how much of a loner I am and how no one understands me. (Most of the time that's what's in there.) It all began when Allen suggested that Existentialists are just people who never progressed beyond the ennui of teenage-hood. I'm not sure but he may be on to something. I'm trying to prove that Existentialism is more than just stunted emotional/psychological growth which is what I took from his explanation. I was wondering if this lack of change points to a concrete personality or the above mentioned emotional/psychological retardation. I shall keep you abreast of my discoveries.