Current mood:
disappointed
What's fucked up is going to pac-a-deli to get a bottle of beer, coming out of the store and following too closely to some slightly crippled dude that you're bigger than just to make him uncomfortable. Or smashing bugs on your computer screen. Or working approx. 16 hours in one day and being a smart ass to some shitty cross-eyed doctor. And still not being able to pay the phone or gas bill. What's fucked up is getting email from a dude who you want to be friends with but who makes you feel like a fucked up stalker and crazy person. (Well, he doesn't, that's an exageration, no, I can't spell.) Jealous my ass. (Sorry, responding to a separate convo) What's fucked up is doing and doing and doing and watching others sleep. But there's no reward. Just running to keep up. Or catch up. Ketchup. Catsup. People are soo stupid. For example: "Don't worry about paying it back right away" then "Can I come over and pick up that money you owe me?" Honestly, just say 'What the fuck?' when someone does that to you. Why fucking worry about hurting someone's feelings? People get over it. Everyone's fucking incompetent and always will be. I got these scratches on my hand from putting someone in restraints the other day at work...It's fucked up when a person gets to you so badly that you take pleasure in forcing her into a room and then locking her in. Then later being able to hold her down and restrain her while holding a pillowcase over her face so she won't spit on you. When you just wish you could throw her out on the streets of Kensington and let them take care of her once and for all, even thougth she's only 20 years old, but you know she has no future and a 6 year old and a 3 year old. What's fucked up is witnessing a guy driving up to the E.R. after he's overdosed on heroin, watching him be wheeled in, given new life, then ungratefully ripping his i.v. out and walking out the door, presumably to go do more heroin. What's fucked up is listening to a 40 year old women tell you about how her father used to have sex with her when she was young and how her mother hates her and blames her for this happening, when all this poor woman wanted and still wants is for her mother to love her. It's amazing how people can live. Somehow people can do the most fucked up things to themselves and other people but are still allowed to go on living by the grace of some unknown entity. Yet we can't be truthful to each other. We lie or hide the truth just so we don't hurt someone else's feelings. That is so fucked up. Do you realize that? It is so fucked up. love, gravydisappointed
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