6:15PM
Allen said I should try writing to decrease my boredom. I am a little crossword-puzzled out.
I used to write so much, so much about nothing, or repeat myself over and over again: "I'm so depressed...I hate myself...I hate my circumstances..." How boring.
What happens now, and what has always happened really, is that when I try to write I just go blank, no thoughts. No ideas, don't know what to write about.
There are so many things I want to do and have but they all seem unattainable so I don't like to think about it. My dreams are nightmares in that sense, thinking about it makes me unhappy, nervous, scared.
Come to think of it, I've acheived the state of being I used to write about wanting: There is little to no pain left and I feel nothing.
The above has taken fifteen minutes to write and included a lot of looking around, some fidgeting, hunger pains, clock-watching. Boredom. And that's it, it's as if that's all I have to say.
I guess that's what most of the incessant drinking was about, an attempt to escape boredom. Without all the alcohol, trying now to drink like a "normal human being," the boredom hits me head on. I have to stare back at it instead of ignoring it. But it's so ridiculous that I'm bored because I feel like I never have time to do anything because of work. Like there are only things happening on the days I work and when I'm off nothing's going on and I sit on the couch, staring at the tv.
Even what I write bores the piss out of me. Insipid is the workd that comes to mind.
But I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and god damn it, people like me.
More clock watching.
6:41.
What will the future bring?
I don't want to talk about my mom...
6:49PM
It's raining hard again, another thunderstorm. This has been going on for about a week now, the storms, flooding. Seems to be some hail in this one.
6:55PM
Yellow lines, short walls, tall red brick building with spires. Helicoptor landing pad complete with helicoptor. Church, new roof, red doors. 2 storey row homes and black iron fence.
Then Kenny woke up. (God damn it, still half an houre left.) He's drowsy of course from the Geodon and seems to be falling asleep again. It's freezing in this room. I did an experiment to see if he was still awake by standing next to his bed and looking out the window. Of course he said something, still awake. Now, however, he's quiet and still again. Crossing my fingers...
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5 years ago