P.D.W.

January 23, 2008

So, I haven't slept. My fucking brain won't shut down. Just goes from one broken record to the next.

You still don't have a job. You're still getting fatter. You really need to find a way to get more exercise. Is this bankruptcy thing really going to work? I'm going to have to make phone calls, aren't I? I'm terrified of making phone calls. I nearly have panic attacks when I think about making phone calls. Or going somewhere by myself. I'm really nervous about this new temp job. I'll have to dress up and I'm too fat for clothes. I bet that shitty kid Josh gets a job before me. I bet he'll be able to pay for school. Not me. Because there's something wrong with me. How do you get from here to dead? I'm paying for something horrible I must have done in a past life. Other people just get shit handed to them. Why not me? What is so wrong with me? Other peoples lives get better. !!! I'm really depressed. So depressed my back hurts but I don't have health insurance so fuck me. There's something so wrong with me I can't even figure out how to die. Repeat.

Repeat again.

And again.

I just wanted to go to school and I can't go home. Because there isn't one.

I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to do anything. I can't write anymore. I can't even fucking do that. I'd like to write a book about how horrendous this life has been but that won't happen because I don't even remember it. I just can't stand feeling beaten down every fucking day. If nothing is going to happen why do I have to keep going? Just so I can keep making more absurd decisions?