Yes, I said repentant.
Feeling bad about how I feel about people. I am not a nice person. This doesn't mean I don't think you're an idiot. You are. I just feel bad about wanting to tell you that you are.
Woke up at 7:00am. Figured today was as good as any to start running. Out of 21 minutes 3 of them were spent actually running. Aiming for 4 on Tuesday. Already have an injury (I ran into a concrete planter cos the sidewalk was wonky) and my shins are already barking. Just like when I almost played field hockey in high school. My competitive nature hopefully will prevail. Eric, Becky, Andy, someone named "Ovens," all run. I can too, dammit. "That girl needs to be running."
West Ham won their first match of the season. West Ham til I die. Mother fucker. We'll see what happens in the "sack race." Feeling unsure about a sudden change in the hierarchy at this point.
Allen's grandmother is slowly dying. Everyone at work is talking about someone they know who is dying. I think about my mother but don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? Do?
I don't know.
School begins again in a week. Ready or not. Jesu loves me.
I want to write a 100 page dissertation on what The Color Purple makes me feel. Chris, I do love you, I just wish I was able to show it. You and that movie are so intertwined in my mind and I want to explore it further for the whole world to understand.
My silence is not rejection. Regardless of how much as I wish it was because that is the easy way out. Maybe god is trying to tell you (me) something.
There are 3 people still in my life that seriously affect the way I live. I am going to be annoyed at this tomorrow because I've had too much to drink but a lot of truth comes out of that as well. And I can count on all three of them to read this. Not sure if that's good or bad.
It's gonna rain on your heads.
This one's for Bub:
"Angels Of Light"
And you're lazy
So there's nothing that can stop you now
From sleeping
And your breathing in a silence that will drug you now
So completely
That you're drowning in a liquid that is glowing with strange substance
And your mind will show you pictures of your body.
Without feeling.
And you're rising to the surface of awareness
That's unconscious
And you're dreaming
of real violence
with no consequence,
with no meaning.
You're not free now
But unfolding
and you're beautiful in the light
You're not free now
You're not innocent
You're transparent
and you're right.
This one's for CCP:
You are my sister, we were born
So innocent, so full of need
There were times we were friends but times I was so cruel
Each night I'd ask for you to watch me as I sleep
I was so afraid of the night
You seemed to move through the places that I feared
You lived inside my world so softly
Protected only by the kindness of your nature
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
We felt so differently then
So similar over the years
The way we laugh the way we experience pain
So many memories
But there's nothing left to gain from remembering
Faces and worlds that no one else will ever know
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
I want this for you
They're gonna come true (gonna come true)
For CBJ aka Beau
Feel To Believe
You lose it just to find it
And as you walk right by it
You forget how you got there
And why you never meant to stay
And I won't watch you waste away
And I won't fake another day
And if one truth leads you to five
I still don't believe in your reasons why
I just don't believe in why
You love her
You need her
To feel is to believe her
You know it
You want it
You just can't believe you've got it
And I can't watch you waste away
And I won't beg you still to stay
And if one truth leads you to five
I still don't believe in your reasons why
I just don't believe in why
I couldn't watch you walk away
And not forget it
I couldn't watch you turn to stone
And just regret it a single day
Not a single day
If I lose you
Could you find me?
Or would you walk right by me?
The soul and the spirit
Each have got their own limit
And I can't waste another second
Living in hell like it's some kind of heaven
And if one truth leads to another
Isn't there one we can uncover?
There isn't one I will not discover
It's the right time
It's my time
It's the right time
It's my time
It's my turn to discover
And I won't waste a single second
Living in hell as a nadir of heaven
And if one truth leads you to five
I still don't believe in your reasons why
And if one truth leads to another
Isn't there one we can uncover?
If there isn't one that we cannot discover
So it's our time
It's our time to discover
Y'all might not get it but I do...
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- CHRI§TER I fucking love you.
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