"I will help you on your way," PHILADELPHIA!!!

After yesterday's post I don't know what to say.  Ha, that's not true, I can ramble about nothing.  It does bug me out that it's always the posts that are hardest to write that get the least reaction.  If you write about something you had for dinner everyone has something to say about it.

So, what was for dinner?  Pizza.

I was looking for a photo of that pizza on the left and found this blog which is curiously enough from Philly and all about PIZZA!!!  AND there was a picture of one of my favorite people, Neil Hamburger, sitting in front of a pizza!  Who's blog is this?  I love it!

Like I love this pizza.  Archer Farms Spinach & Goat Cheese, exclusively at Target.  It gets less delicious as it cools but Allen and I eat like two of these a week.  Mmm.

What's for dinner tonight?  Don't know.  Allen wants Lorenzo's which I think is meh.  I really want a tofu hoagie from Fu Wah but that'll have to wait til tomorrow.

Stoked about our trip, not about the drive or arriving just in time to find out we missed Portal.  Super stoked about the prospect of karaoke tomorrow night.  I hope it will work out and there will people who can come.  

BTW, if you find yourself with a spare hour to kill, for the love of god watch this video:

Neil Hamburger, a bloody Will Oldham, a pool guy and stupid Andy Dick!  It's absolute genius!

See you in Philly!

P.S. Why did Julia Roberts rub shit in her vagina?

"You're not passive aggressive, you're just aggressive."

Two things up front:
One: We STILL have not gotten our computer back.  I am unsurprised.
Two: (Teaser) Before I put my essay on my father's death together, I am trying to get copies of some photos from the "wake" where we stood in front of a church altar while waving thousands of dollars in the air.    

So I was doing some dishes last night around 10:15pm after watching the Biggest Loser finale. Which was obviously very anti-climactic, Michael won, losing like 50% of his weight. I thought he looked gay now, Allen said no, that's just Italian.  We're offensive to humans.  But I was doing dishes and I was real tired and so I started slamming things a bit as I will tend to do when I'm irritable.  When I do this I sometimes feel like it's passive aggressive, but maybe I'm wrong.  The title of this post is something Allen once said to me when I told him I feel that way.  Not because of a slamming things situation, more in relation to other people.  Anyway, doing this always causes Allen to come in and try to force me out and take over when that's not exactly what I'm looking for.  Usually, I just want to slam things.  Sometimes I do it without even realizing it.  So he tried to take over and I said, no, you can't, these dishes are too dirty for you to handle (he can be a half-assed dishwasher).  I think that's where it crosses into aggressive.

I tend to offend people.  A lot.  Without even realizing it or meaning to.  Well, sometimes I mean to, sometimes I just like being mean-spirited.  I find the reactions amusing.  I suppose it springs from something I was once diagnosed with, that goes hand in hand with my major psych diagnosis of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) which is dissociative disorder (this site had a pretty good basic explanation, I think I have all four of those, especially Dissociative amnesia.  Regardless, I've definitely experienced all of them).  But I'm not one to try and fall back on my illness just because it's convenient.  Am I?  I could be delusional about that.  I can be delusional about things, too.  And paranoid.

Like last night, Allen and I went out for a 3-4 mile walk.  I finally made myself go back out, getting too lazy.  It's taken me like, 4 months to lose 10lbs., I don't want to gain it back now. *Sigh*  There's this house not far from us, we call it the Dragon House and it's a really awesome looking house.  It's approximately 5403-5405 Hobart St., Pittsburgh, PA 15217, if you want to Google Maps it, Street View.  I get angry when we walk by it because I'm so jealous and say things like"it's a shame about your house.  That it's so awesome."  So last night Allen goes, "you know, they don't live there to spite you."  And I go, "yes, they do."  "Why can't you just be happy for them that they have an awesome house?"  "Because I don't [have one]."

It's getting hard to write these posts at work.  I can't concentrate on it for long enough, there are too many interruptions.

Where I was actually planning to go with this was that I was thinking while I was doing dishes last night about what I do wrong in relationships.  Okay, I'm about to get real... I've been talking to someone on the FB, a lady and fellow "blogger," (how obvious am I?) and it seems like we have a lot in common and could be actual friends and so, realizing this, what am I doing?  Freaking the fuck out!!!  Trying to pull away from it already.  I said to Allen, "what if she wants to meet me?"  I mean we've kinda met before but...  Like, what if she wants to hang out and I can't do it?  I can't be alone with strangers.  Especially women strangers.  I have PTSD about being with women, not "being with" but being friends with and being alone with them because of some bullshit that happened in middle school. I'm seriously almost hyper-ventilating right now just thinking about it.  Tears welling up.  Hate hate hate this. 

Wow.  Okay.  I'm going to stop there.  Blog does not equal therapist.  Okay.  Sorry.  I shall leave the record as is stands despite feeling slightly uncomfortable with this.  I definitely welcome feedback on this post though. Maybe that will help.  Though nothing has really helped what I just told you and it's been 20 years.  Jesus, this didn't go where I had planned.   

     

PLEASE CAN WE... JUST CALM... THE FUCK... DOWN!

This will be brief.  I'm feeling overwhelmed.

So frazzled at work today.  I had to get up and walk away from my desk.  Well, it was time for lunch but I still have internet to catch up on.  Hopefully our computer will be ready later today.  Always from zero to swamped with no warning.  Same thing yesterday.  It certainly doesn't help that the precious gift of menstruation snuck up on me Sunday so I'm also in the throes of that monthly pleasure.  You're welcome. 

And  now there's the last minute trip east to worry about.  Which I am doing quite well, thank you.  I want to go but the anxiety is really kicking in and we're not leaving until THURSDAY AFTERNOON.  I'm worried about the car, my family's general lack of communication skills, seeing Allen's always cheerful family.

But I am looking forward to seeing Mike & Jeanne, Denis, Josh and Sal, I hope.  Whoever's around Philly.

The idea of trying to get there in time for a metal show at a place called Kung Fu Necktie is also anxiety inducing.  Why is it starting at 6pm?  Cos there are too many bands on the bill and there's another show at 11.  That's absurd.  I really want Allen to see Portal.  Irrationally want this to happen for some reason.  He couldn't get to the Cleveland show which is only two hours from here because of his job and now we can't get to this show on time because of his job.  They're constantly taking advantage of him.  (He's gonna hate this blog if I keep venting so much about his life.  But it affects me.)

Portal's cool and all as you can see here:



But I don't want to go to this show, don't know what else to do, though.  If you know what else I can do I'll be at 1248 N. Front St. this Thursday evening between 7pm and 8, probably closer to 8.  Come and get me.


In other news I've been slowly reverting to drinking too much and exercising not enough and it's starting to wear on me.  I'm really tired and lazy and justifying bad decisions like an idiot.  Not sure what's going on with that. 

On the plus side, it's been 6 months since I quit smoking.  Seriously, not one cigarette.  After 15 years.  Actually, it sounds less impressive when I add that tidbit.

Talk to you tomorrow, hopefully.  If things ever CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

casual stalking = friendship

Saturday/Sunday, May 22/23

Computer crapped out today.  Strangely slept until about 12:40pm, then spent from 2pm to 7pm while Allen was at gaming trying to restore the damn thing after having a small fit wondering why the 3-year warranty I paid $170 for 2 years ago wasn't showing up at the Apple website.

Apparently erasing the hard drive can sometimes literally mean erasing it from existence, which is what I somehow ended up doing.  When I went back to reinstall the software there was nothing to install it on.

Allen had made us an appt. with the god damned geniuses at the bar for 12:30pm Sunday before I had even gotten out of bed so that was good.  They really owe us a new computer since the thing has been a piece of shit since day one.  But here's the thing about that:the Apple store in PGH is in this super posh neighborhood where Allen and I always feel out of place, like they can smell that we weren't born rich. 

So I have this poor person's guilt of "my computer doesn't work, must be something I did wrong," not rich person indignation of "your product is faulty, you owe me."  Never that.  I'm already embarrassed about the fact that we share a desktop computer and it's 2010.  And that said desktop computer is our only access to the internet from our home.  We don't have fancy phones (coming December 2010) or iPod Touches or even wireless internet service.  Ah, poordom.  Embarrassed, like trying to buy an iPad with cash money.

Shadyside, despite the deceptive name, is actually a haven of gay men and rich, skinny blonde white women.  A gross shopping street mainly, that runs for ~ 4 or 5 blocks max.  I kind of equate it to Walnut Street in Philly from Broad to ~ 20th, but more uncomfortable in its snobbitude.

Allen was good enough to call Apple (phone phobia!) and settle the "what happened to my warranty for your shit product" debacle.  Somehow it was never registered back in June 2008.  Why? is the question.  The answer is possibly because Apple is made out of cocks and they make their crap purposely to last 2-3 years max.  So done with them.

And so mad that I am actually writing, by hand (with a fake fountain pen in a Moleskine journal), this entry which will have to wait to be transcribed later into my trusty Dell work computer.

It's 12:30am, Sunday.  And too quiet.  Let me grab my iPod Nano and iPod ear buds to listen to some iTunes stored music.  If I do somehow cry myself into a new iMac tomorrow I wonder if my MS Office disks will work twice.  They're University owned, technically.

Eww, if the new iMac's CD/DVD drive actually works maybe I can finally install Windows on it!

My god, the volatile mix of tearful at the drop of a hat me and scarily pissed off for no reason Allen at the genius bar is freaking me out.  I thought he was going to snap the neck of the Census guy the other week.  This poor crippled bastard with his sad Census badge came by cos the gov't is stupid and incompetent, surprise! and the census form I filled out and returned, one of two that we received for the same (sort of) address was of course invalid for some reason.  Maybe cos I filled out 5xx8 Pocusset St. 1 instead of 5xx8 Pocusset St. 2?  There is only one 5xx8 Pocusset St, downstairs is 5xx6 Pocusset.  Either way there will most likely be two extra white people in Squirrel Hill this census with the same names as two other white people in Squirrel Hill.

What was I saying?  Anyway, he was gonna blow up on the poor guy because of 5 minutes.  Not that our local Tiny Tim census man gave a shit about the address discrepancy.  Not his job, he may have literally said that to me if I remember correctly.  So I went downstairs and sent Allen back up and gave the man the info he needed.  Of course I think Allen's behavior problems are my fault.  The increasing aggressiveness towards strangers is directly related to my increasing avoidance of everyone.  The more I pull away the more persistent he becomes. 

OMG.  Without a place to inappropriately stalk people/post things I have no gauge for when enough is enough. Online I know when I've crossed the line of appropriate for a lady of my class and intelligence and when it's time to go to bed.  (HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!)  I feel desperate without the internet, like I'm 21 again.  When apparently I never wore eye makeup.  My eyes look freaky in these photos that I once gave my mother a number of years ago.  Luckily, I've realized for the millionth time that my forehead is not appropriate for showing off.  Fringe is a necessary evil, whether the hair is long or short, and it should be short cos I look fatter with long hair.

Maybe this is my way of approaching the promised "my daddy died" post.

I wrote a few lines a day and a half after he died while on an Amtrak train from PGH to Philly to get to Cecil County (it's only $50 one way but it takes FOREVER!).  Those few lines don't really reveal anything, though.  I have never been so angry at a funeral, I think I even walked out and slammed the door at one point.  (No tissues? Seriously?)  (My father's dead and I can't have coffee?)  (Why are you singing this stupid hymn?  It's so offensive!)  I went alone thinking Allen did not need to be subjected to whatever might happen but also so I could spend an extra day or two with my family.  Unsurprisingly, I was not the only one to think that I had to get to that house because I knew there was cash $ in there.   "You're going to get some money," Chris told me that first night I was there when we were out on the porch.

Check this bullshit: He may have paid for his brother's retarded children (literally) to have xmas before his own kids... Asshole.

Not going to cry...

There's so much I have to say about that week but it will take more space than I want to use right now.  It was filled with some of the craziest shit ever so get prepared.  I should be going back this weekend to see some of my family and I've never looked forward to it more.  Wonder if the sexually inappropriate "adopted kid" will be home from Seminary?  It's so crazy there!!!

The computer's hard drive was shot, and there was something wrong where it was getting too much power and so part of the inside is scorched or something so our computer is basically getting all new insides and should be ready to come home tomorrow.  It's not a new new computer, but it's good enough.  By the way, it turned out that I was being the aggressive one at the Genius Bar.  Yeah, well, I was angry.

"The Time Has Come for You to Lipsync for Your Life," Again.

Interview today, 2:30pm.  For the job I've been doing since March 4th.  The job that was to last "through April," according to the original request.  This sucks.  So weird interviewing for your job.  Also, you can't imagine how anxious I get when it comes to interviews.  In the car on the way to work this morning, right before I almost starting crying hysterically, I said to Allen, "I'm so tired of failing!"  Jeez, just writing it is making me want to start crying again.  He tried to tell me that's not what it is, but I know the truth, oh, I know.  I have super crazy powers.  Emphasis on the crazy.   

I am seriously so bad, maybe bad isn't the word, I am so mediocre at interviewing and so bad at dealing with the rejection that I've investigated how to get disability benefits from the government.  Well, the underlying anxiety and depression issues in combination with poor interview skills pushed me in that direction.  And the encouragement of a relative who is legally disabled due to mental health issues.  But interviews, they make me want to shit myself and throw up at the same time.  Like, I literally feel like doing that.  *Gross*  The worst part is that I can't gauge how the two major decision makers for this position are leaning.  It's a university job so they have to follow protocol and do at least a few interviews, (it's me, two other ladies and one dude, I've only seen one of the ladies) but it's killing me.  I haven't had a real full-time job since, um, like 2000, when I still lived in Delaware.  I need some security!  And yes, it's only an Admin. position (Admin. II!) but you have to understand the emotional and psychological toll being "just a temp" takes on a person. Boy am I gonna regret this post if I don't get this job.  I foolishly have a lot of plans dependent on the outcome of this.  Like finding a new place to live that isn't an insectarium and either doesn't have grass or has grass that gets mowed on a regular basis.  And I would also like a place where the creepy downstairs neighbor, you may know him as "Silent But Deadly," doesn't smoke or make hot dog/fart smells that permeate my life.  But, hey, at least he's abnormally quiet.  

In other news, I watched Wolf Creek last night, and while it wasn't bad, it wasn't good either. 



There was something lacking that I can't quite put my finger on.  I felt like I needed a reason for why the antagonist was doing what he was doing.  I know, I know, it's supposed to be simply because he's "EVIL" or something, but seeing as I don't believe in evil, except as a human/religious construct, I wasn't buying him.  Allen also pointed out that TENSION was majorly lacking as well.  It did have the awesome "head on a stick" bit but then they never really did anything with it after that...

Then we watched some more of Marble Hornets.  I think we stopped on 21.  I really enjoyed Leslie's comment on FB about it: "PS why the shit arent WE making this stuff? You folks have some of the sickest most creative minds I know! Dare I suggest we put down the dice and pick up the cheap handhelds?"

Really, why the shit aren't we?      

Coming up: Girl Hero blogs about the death of her father?  Is Girl Hero ready for that?  Is the world? 

"May you receive the world a little less than usual today."

So I have never really figured out how to build an "internet personality," a real-life one is hard enough.  I have warring factions in my psyche that simultaneously want and reject "followers."  This is actually exactly the same way my real life goes.  I want to have friends but at the same time I can't stand the thought of having to take someone else's feelings into consideration.  And I can't stand lying to "protect someone's feelings."  Fuck 'em.  Actually having real-life "followers" is EXACTLY what I want, just people who idolize me and don't care how I treat them in return.

God.  Listen to me.  I'm trying to find inspiration to be a... person, and I start off by ranting nihilistically.  Next I'll start sharing my thoughts on eugenics.

I want to write.  There, I said it.  Do I want to be a writer?  I haven't gotten that far.  I used to write, pages and pages, I have a tub full of old journals:



And I'm sure they all run a little like this post here.  I don't know, I can't bring myself to ever look at them, other than the pictures.  I used to draw as well as write, it seems.  Then somewhere along the line I lost interest in both.  In most things really.  And I have my theories about why but they are mine and I can not share them with you at this time.  I have people's feelings to take into consideration. 

I initially wanted to blog about music, but then realized that everyone blogs about music, and most of them do it better than I ever could.  So instead I will blog about what I know: me.

Let's see what happens.  If you read this, please choose to follow it, and then tell others to do the same.  This will enable you to find out who has a secret crush on you.  Who knows, it may even be me!  

Finding Inspiration

That is what I've been working on lately.  Finding inspiration.  But first I have to figure out what happened to FormFlow.  I need a mailing requisition.  STAT.

More to follow.