Saturday night's alright. Not okay.

July 21, 2007

Current mood:worried

"I was, most of the time, too upset by everything to be upset by anything in particular." -Andrew Solomon, from The Noonday Demon

I suppose it's unpopular to be posting a blog on a Saturday night but so fucking what? I prefer to be at home. 

So it could not be classified a "happy time." You know what "happy" was? Happy was spending hours at the old Public Library on Main Street in Elkton, MD, when I was 5. Anyway, not only do i have the emotional symptoms of depression but the physical as well. I am scared to death.

Like Mark Twain said, "life is just one damn thing after another." After another. Here is what is currently revolving in my brain: I am wrong, I am fat, I am a failure. I am retarded. Seriously, my growth - emotionally, socially, psychologically (fiscally) - is severely retarded.

I am perpetually a terrified 16 y.o. girl sitting on a wooden bridge, dangling my legs, who doesn't know what to do (go to the ball game or kill myself?), where to find help. Afraid of people with loud voices, voices raised in anger or joy, it doesn't matter. I am stuck in the past, I am afraid of adults. And once again I am angry.

I can feel myself regressing, reverting to depressed behavior. Yeah, I'm under a lot of stress. I know tricks to curb it, I've been to numerous types of therapy. (Did you know these "episodes" leave lesions on your brain?) I know stress is causing the depression. I don't want to live in someone's basement either, Bub. What the fuck are we going to do? I really don't know.