Hey Boy

"Gender is futile"  -AMH III

So. This has been in my head a lot lately:

I don't know why. It's just there. Probably because I feel like I've been fucking up a lot lately. Like a boy. And I'm emotionally like a boy. My head is like a boy. Without getting into too much detail... let's just say that I'm more a boy. In some situations.

I wrote that last night when I was a little drunk. I realize now that this is not going to make any sense since I don't really relate to this (or any) Beyoncé song. It's not about the song. Though it is true that that song is in my head a lot, it comes up on my iPod a lot. And it is true that I think I behave more like a man in some situations than a woman. I'm talking about stereotypes, obviously.

...

I can't recapture what I was thinking last night.

I can tell you that around 2am, while watching The Lost Boys in bed, I suddenly decided I wanted a pickle. But I wanted more than just a pickle. I wanted a pickle wrapped in ham. So that's what I got. I wrapped a pickle in ham and ate it in bed. While watching The Lost Boys.

So anyway, I've always hated gender stereotypes being applied to me but I'm more than happy to apply them to others. Girls, specifically. Because girls are stupid and mean and constantly judging you and absolutely-under-no-circumstances are they to be trusted. Am I right? Yes, that was a joke. Sort of. I've always hated it when groups break up into boys and girls, I think I hate sex segregation even more than I hate gender stereotypes. I freak the fuck out when I'm left alone with women. All though I'm getting better at dealing with this, I still feel more comfortable around guys.

I think I'm getting worse at writing. I don't really do much of it anymore. I don't really do much of anything anymore except look at porn and pictures of dead bodies on Tumblr. It's gotten to the point where it's almost like I don't even see it anymore, I certainly don't feel anything when I do. Totally desensitized. But what I was saying, about writing:

I pulled the tub that has all my old gurnels up two flights of stairs the other day, after falling on my ass while trying to lift it, because I was looking for copies of this zine I did back in 2000-2001. There were only three issues before I lost interest. Of course. They should make losing interest in things an occupation, I would be sooo good at that. Like, here, be intensely interested in this thing for a couple months and then you can move onto something else. It was called, unsurprisingly, Ghola. And they are terrible! The writing is atrocious. Worse than this blog, if you can believe that. The sad thing is that it's that way on purpose. I write like an idiot on purpose. Because I think it's cool.      

All right, I should get to work. If you read all of this guess what? I think you're cool.

Dear Mama

Annie Ruth Doyle Gray, June 5, 1935 - January 12, 2012.

My mother died yesterday, Thursday, January 12th. She was relatively young, 76, she would have been 77 in June. This is almost 2 years exactly from the time my father died. A little over 3 years since I'd last seen her.

The story of her last day is a cute one. My mother had Alzheimer's, had had it for a number of years and had also spent the last, I don't know, 4+ years in a nursing facility on a floor specifically for patients with the disease. My sister said she had a regular morning, woke up, was given/fed breakfast - she was on a special puréed diet - and told the woman who was feeding her that the oatmeal was terrible and that she should learn to cook. Later that morning, she went to take a nap and when the nursing staff went to wake her for lunch, she was gone. Janet, who saw her body, said she looked peaceful.

I don't know what she's going to look like, her body, I mean. Janet says she'd lost a lot of weight. She was always short, maybe 5'2" at the tallest, and when I saw her 3 years ago she seemed even tinier. So tiny. She was practically cute. Much different than the formidable woman in my memory who would slap me across the face when I said something she didn't like.

A couple photos from the last time I saw her, December 2009, I think.

And I don't feel like mourning, I don't feel especially sad, because I've already done it, to be honest. I did it 3 years ago after I saw her, when I realized, sitting next to her, that she wasn't there any more. It was strange, she still knew me, knew who I was, she would turn and look at me every once in a while and smile, but she was also very child-like. I knew that the person who had been my mother was gone, and so, not long after that visit, I let her go. And I have not regretted that decision to let her go when I did, even knowing she was still alive.

She was a tough lady, but a sad one, an angry one, and she had every right to be. She had been hurt often by men in her life, passing from her father's violence into the hands of her husband's when she was still a girl. She was tough and would put up a fight, but still, she wasn't strong. She should've gotten out of there but I realize how hard that would have been in the 1950s with small children to take care of. So she did the best she could, I think. Which is why I always forgave her no matter how much I thought I hated her or how often I thought she was weak for staying. I wish she could have experienced more happiness in her life, done more of the things she wanted to do, but it's been too late to think about that for years now.

Annie and cat, probably mid-1940s.

Annie, late 1940s or early 50s?

Annie, early 1950s?

I'm probably 2 or 3 here, 1979-80, Tony's Road.

Must have been 1984-ish or early 1985, Tony's Road.

Kitchen, Tony's Road, probably 1985-86. I love the look she's giving me.

Hideous Easter outfit, 1990 or 91, probably, Janet's on Blue Ball Road.

 

So nervous! Before the wedding, September 2002, Philadelphia

There's so much more to her story that I could relate and I only knew her for less than half of it, I'm sure there were more secrets than the ones that I knew, secrets that have died with her. Secrets that are probably best left unknown.

I love you, mommy. I really do.

NYE 2011/2012

Days later I finally get around to this. Here is what I played (or intended to play) on New Year's Eve. It was haphazardly put together at the last minute with one major outside influence (Allen, looking at you). Not my best work but it went over okay. The links are to Mediafire if you feel inclined to download.

Part 1 (played second and not in its entirety)

1. My standard "Jenifa" opening courtesy of De la Soul
2. "American Trash" (Porter Robinson Remix) - Innerpartysystem
3. "Call Your Girlfriend" - Robyn
4. "We No Speak Americano" (Original Mix) - Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP
5. "Hard in da Paint" - Waka Flocka Flame
6. "Fok Julle Naaiers" - Die Antwoord
7. "Alors on Dance" (PULS Remix) - Stromae
8. "She's My Man" - Scissor Sisters
9. "Turn Me On" (feat. Nicki Minaj) - David Guetta
10. "Till I Get There" - Lupe Fiasco
11. "Drunk on Love" - Rihanna
12. "Endless Slut" - Midnight*
13. "Get Some" - Lykke Li
14. "Make Me Proud" (feat. Nicki Minaj) - Drake
15. "Super Bass" - Nicki Minaj
16. "Internet Friends" (Original Mix) - Knife Party
17. "E.T." (feat. Kanye West) - Katy Perry
18. "Enter Sandman" - Herve vs. Metallica
19. "Fixin' to Thrill" - Dragonette
20. "Fight Club is Closed" (Original Mix) - Dada Life
21. "Hold it Against Me" (Jump Smokers Extended Mix) - Britney Spears
22. "Pumped Up Kicks" - Foster the People
23. "We Found Love" - Rihanna
24. "The Motto" (feat. Lil Wayne) - Drake
25. "Party Rock Anthem" - LMFAO
26. My standard "Jenifa" closing (same as the opening) 

Part 2 (played first and in its entirety)

1. My standard "Jenifa" opening courtesy of De la Soul
2. "Shame on a Nigga" - Wu-Tang Clan
3. "None of Your Business" - Salt N Pepa
4. "Teenage Dirtbag" - Wheatus
5. "Alex Chilton" - The Replacements
6. "Cherry Bomb" - The Runaways
7. "Roots Radicals" - Rancid
8. "Mathilde" - Scott Walker
9. "The Bad Touch" - Bloodhound Gang
10. "Let Me Clear My Throat" - DJ Kool
11. "Rock DJ" - Robbie Williams**
12. "Suspicious Minds" - Elvis Presley
13. "American Girl" - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
14. "New Radio" - Bikini Kill
15. "Hoodie" - Lady Sovereign
16. "Gimme Some Lovin'" - The Spencer Davis Group
17. "Vodka" - Korpiklaani
18. "Intergalactic" - Beastie Boys
19. "25 or 6 to 4" - Chicago
20. "Cut Your Hair" - Pavement
21. "Big Poppa" - Notorious B.I.G.
22. "More Than a Feeling" - Boston
23. "Beer Drinkers & Hell Raisers" - ZZ Top*
24. "Living After Midnight" - Judas Priest*
25. "Rip This Hell" - Midnight*
26. "Raining Blood" - Slayer*
27. "Breaking the Law" - Judas Priest*
28. "Halloween" - Misfits
29. My standard "Jenifa" closing (same as the opening) 

* Allen's additions
** Weirdest request ever from someone I don't know on Facebook

New Year?

Why? The existential "why?" Why does there have to be another year?

I'm sure I won't want you to read this tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I want to say. As usual. I'm letting this... thing... wash over me right now. And it's always the little things that trigger it.

And I always feel stress. When I know, when I step back and look at my life... when I know everything's okay. But I'm permanently clenching my jaw, waiting for whatever it is to happen. KNOWING it's going to happen. But not knowing what it is. This heightened sense of awareness. Like permanently waiting for your drunk father to come home and never knowing what's going to happen when he does...

I hope this isn't too personal but the concept of feeling "safe" and feeling like you have a place to call home came up tonight and I can be very sarcastic about these things, but really, isn't that all any of us really want?  Safety, security? A place where we can be ourselves? So what is this insecurity that we all feel? Assuming that everyone hates us because they're also avoiding feelings that make them uncomfortable.

Unless we're really that annoying?

I can't tell.

And the thing I'm thinking about, while two of us are watching this together right now, is that maybe we don't change that much. Maybe all of us who wanted to kill ourselves when we're 16... and 17, 18, etc., the thoughts seem to be more sporadic as you grow older... will always still feel that, even though they do tend to become more sporadic. They still creep in every once and a while.

And I think what makes it worse are those sporadic relationships I tend to have where I *think* I've found someone who could matter to me... Yet no matter what, I end up feeling like the weirdo and things just fizzle out.

Which reinforces the feelings that I am wrong and bad and just not right in some way.

And talking doesn't do a damn thing. Maybe in the short term but in the long term, no. I don't think it works for me.

Because it's never enough. It doesn't change me fundamentally, which is, I guess, what I need to have happen. Yet some days it's okay. When I can just realize I'm an asshole and be okay with that. But some days it's not enough and the abandonment issues kick in. Or maybe it's just selfishness...

I don't know.