To no one, I'm sure. Who the fuck is on myspace these days anyway? I don't know. The cool kids are all chumming it up over on facebook. Fuck 'em.
I am so angry that it's making me crazy and really making my teeth hurt.
I have a new part-time job with a boss who told me on Tuesday that I need polish and she wants to polish me. At first I was excited by the prospect, I really want (need) a life coach, a mentor. Now I think the comment meant that I'm a turd. Some stupid, indecisive, fat turd who, I could swear, if my poor memory serves me, people used to like and look up to and think was hilarious because of my "shut the fuck up, yer stupid" attitude.
But I have been beaten down. Beaten down so far that I don't even know who I am. And it's been this way for at least 10 years. Sad, lonely, scared, anxious. I'm not funny anymore and I don't find things funny. I've secluded myself so well that the things I liked the most have been co-opted leaving me with nothing. Just this sickness that follows me around like a stupid puppy and forces me to write in code. Now I have to be quiet and non-offensive when I can; I secretly think it's some kind of white trash backlash going on inside of me. Yet when surrounded by people like the ones I grew up with I end up feeling as disgusted as I do when around the middle class suburban folks.
I don't know what I want. I don't know that I can take care of myself. I do know that I don't want to stay here anymore. I hate this city. Pretty much have since day one but now I feel trapped with no where else to go. Trust me, this place sucks. It doesn't have anything you want or need, especially good produce.
I am concerned about finding a real job. I have serious doubts about my qualifications (yes, with a master's degree) and deadly serious doubts about my interview skills. I was forced to go to an all staff meeting on Thursday, then ride back with my co-worker, THEN have a group lunch with the other five people that are currently working in the depository and THEN my boss wanted to drive me home. "I kinda like taking the bus," I lied. That much forced interaction makes me want to throw up. How could I possibly stand a full day interview if I ever made it past a phone one?
As far as I know my husband is slowly dying. We owe over a thousand dollars for an emergency room visit in August or September that amounted to nothing but a misdiagnosis. He doesn't have health insurance by choice. Ridiculous. It is so frustrating that I want to hurt someone and the on-going moving around pains are making me want to tear my hair out. But you didn't hear that from me. And the asthma is acting up again so fuck me if everything isn't fucking wonderful. He'll tell you it is. He's a liar.
Preparing for some serious staring straight ahead avoidance of the truth.
Comments
Post a comment...
-
CHRI§TER
'Now I have to be quiet and non-offensive when I can; I secretly think it's some kind of white trash backlash going on inside of me. Yet when surrounded by people like the ones I grew up with I end up feeling as disgusted as I do when around the middle class suburban folks.'
. . . Yes. That's it exactly, isn't it?
Does Allen need a kidney? He can have mine.- Reply(1)
-
Jennifer
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? How freaking long can you stay in Amsterdam?!? I think yer still there and you always call when I'm not near my phone... Can you use yer cell phone overseas now? Has the world advanced? Did you get my text messages? WHERE ARE YOU?!?! Remember Jonny McGovern (Soccer Practice)? Take this as a compliment: The Gay Pimpin' podcast reminds me a lot of you. You should listen to it, I think you'd find it funny even while you'd b - 1 year ago
-
Beau Brendt
Since I do not even know where to begin, I won't. I at least listened.
Wish there was more that I could contribute, but over the past 20 years or so, we never really communicated, did we?
It would be nice to actually get to know you some time so we could actually relate and not just by sharing sordid tales of our lives.
I'm always around, but that doesn't really amount to much, now does it. lol.
Umm, silver lining, best of luck, turn of events, and all that jazz.
- Reply
No comments:
Post a Comment