Snap Snap Bubble Wrap.

I mentioned in a previous post that June is the worst month of the year for me.  This past week has been the worst week of an already shit month.  Sometimes everything just seems so hard and quitting is so easy.  What makes things harder is that I can't stand it when people act like victims when they're usually just being victims of circumstances they perpetuated.  I guess what I'm saying is that I'm often guilty of this and I guess I'm feeling guilty right now.  But it's so hard to see your own life objectively.  


Speaking of seeing things objectively: I recently realized that I have a friend(s) who is(are) perpetually "playing the victim" and it's one of the most irritating things I've ever witnessed.  This person seems to purposely put their self in situations that clearly have no outcome other than a bad (or at least unprofitable) one.  It's mind-boggling. But it's also almost a certainty that this person would not listen to reason or any advice that would result in changing this pattern because I think they enjoy it.  I hope this isn't the case and it's more a matter of being conditioned to it.  Who knows.  I just know that I've learned to stay fairly detached from the drama because it's too ridiculous and as much as I hate it when people say this to me, I just wish they could "get over it."  Terrible things happen to people every day.  What matters is how you deal with it.

I can give advice like nobody's bidness but I can't take it.              


Allen said I was "fixated" last night.  Because of years of therapy, a handful of hospital stays and 3 years working in mental health, alarm bells started going off in my head.  I do get ideas in my head that just go round and round and round until everything else is blocked out and I can barely function and find it impossible to take in anything else.  And then I'm very slow-witted when my dream in life is to be charming and quick-witted.  {Insert Sarcastic Smiley Face} This week my fixations have been drinking and moving.  


So we decided to move and I got myself a drink.  


Allen and I went for a walk.  I had been on the verge of a tearful outburst all day.  We were at the soccer field/track in Schenley Park (which I didn't even know existed until a couple weeks ago) when he officially agreed to move back to Philly and I just unleashed.  I said "I feel like I've just been given permission to go home."  And then we started fighting about drinking and I turned around and we walked home in silence.  And so it goes.