This fucking depression is killing me. And the stress. And the “OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?” aspect of it all.
That’s right, I’m going to talk about this.
This past week has been hell. There was the monthly blood-letting, the oppressive humidity, then the spider bite, then the spider bite infection (thankfully the visit to the urgent care center and the antibiotics I had to get on Friday evening were both free), I slept til about 5pm Saturday, woke up, showered, then realized I had nowhere to go. So I went to get beer. Which was when I realized I had parked in a handicapped spot and gotten a $75 ticket. On the way out of the beer store, something in my back just, like, snapped and the pain was so intense I thought I was going to fall over right there on the sidewalk. I remember being really drunk last night, taking a bath, sending weird messages to strangers. Today I didn’t go to work, I don’t even know why. But I do have diarrhea and what I think are the beginnings of a yeast infection from the antibiotics. Sweet.
Throughout all of this there have been copious amounts of tears. It’s still three weeks until I can move out and mourn in peace. Three weeks until I find out if I can even manage to live on my own, a thing I’ve never done. Made all the more thrilling because of how alone I feel. When I feel like I have three friends in the whole world who I can talk to about this and none of them live in the same city as me. Philadelphia, Brunswick, MD, and Holland aren’t really within “Can you come over? I need company” distance.
God, I just want to sleep.
But this is what I want, right? Yes. I made this decision. It’s going to eventually be the best thing for both of us... But right now? Right now there is nothing I can do. Three weeks. It’s already been about 3 weeks since the decision was made and I’m just waiting. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable. My head hurts. My back hurts. I just want to feel comfortable somewhere. To not be scared out of my mind for an hour or two. To breathe and be able to think for a minute in a space of my own.
Three weeks.
That’s right, I’m going to talk about this.
This past week has been hell. There was the monthly blood-letting, the oppressive humidity, then the spider bite, then the spider bite infection (thankfully the visit to the urgent care center and the antibiotics I had to get on Friday evening were both free), I slept til about 5pm Saturday, woke up, showered, then realized I had nowhere to go. So I went to get beer. Which was when I realized I had parked in a handicapped spot and gotten a $75 ticket. On the way out of the beer store, something in my back just, like, snapped and the pain was so intense I thought I was going to fall over right there on the sidewalk. I remember being really drunk last night, taking a bath, sending weird messages to strangers. Today I didn’t go to work, I don’t even know why. But I do have diarrhea and what I think are the beginnings of a yeast infection from the antibiotics. Sweet.
Throughout all of this there have been copious amounts of tears. It’s still three weeks until I can move out and mourn in peace. Three weeks until I find out if I can even manage to live on my own, a thing I’ve never done. Made all the more thrilling because of how alone I feel. When I feel like I have three friends in the whole world who I can talk to about this and none of them live in the same city as me. Philadelphia, Brunswick, MD, and Holland aren’t really within “Can you come over? I need company” distance.
God, I just want to sleep.
But this is what I want, right? Yes. I made this decision. It’s going to eventually be the best thing for both of us... But right now? Right now there is nothing I can do. Three weeks. It’s already been about 3 weeks since the decision was made and I’m just waiting. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable. My head hurts. My back hurts. I just want to feel comfortable somewhere. To not be scared out of my mind for an hour or two. To breathe and be able to think for a minute in a space of my own.
Three weeks.
