Housewife Auditions

Teen Sex/Pregnancy is totally natural. Srsly. Think about it. Humans were made to reproduce soon after puberty and they were meant to be dead around 40. We have not evolved so much physically as we have in other ways. This explains a lot of issues, obesity, teen pregnancy, even mid-life crises. Because we aren't supposed to be that old! 
Our bodies go into survival mode because of our "diet mentality" and therefore hold onto fat as a defense mechanism, awaiting the next (mostly imaginary) famine. 


So. Those are some notes I found here that I apparently wrote a few days ago. I don't remember where I was going with either thought. Okay. That's a lie, I just don't feel like going on with them.

It's one of those days where I want to cry about everything and feel sorry for myself. Yeah, I have those days a lot. I think I need a non-traditional job. I think I want to be an organic farmer. Last week I wanted to be a book editor but NOT in New York cos I don't think you can afford to live there even if you have that job.

I need a career! I can't keep living like this! I wanted to be a nurse the week before but now it just seems like too much work to get there and then once you're there the hours are shitty. And I already owe like $90,000 in student loans. That is NOT an exaggeration. I end up owing $90,000 for what? So I can temp for the rest of my life? I know that I am never going to make a lot of money, probably never own a house, always be sad...

Gah. and meh. I don't want to be on TV but I might like working in TV. I want to write but I don't like to write on demand.

(One of the big HR people is in the office next door to me right now and I'm having a hard time restraining myself. I want to do terrible things to him as a symbol of my anger and frustration.)

I wish the economy and civilization would collapse. Maybe then I'd have a chance to be something/somebody. I don't know what that even means. I think I actually mean that I wish the economy and civilization would collapse so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

My head is so screwed up with weird expectations of what's supposed to be. I wish I was a stupid person, I don't think these things would bother me as much if I were.

Honestly, what I want is a return to women being housewives. I don't care if it's unpopular. I want to be a housewife and to have a husband who can take care of me and provide for me and ignore me all at the same time. And not like "Desperate" or "Real," but like 1950s tv show. I might even tolerate having a child if I could get back to that way of life.

"I'm your secretary"

I said, "I'm still outta here, fb, but I just HAVE to get out one more rant about PITT: Srsly, Pitt, I've applied for at least 25 jobs with you over 3 years, had about 6 or 7 interviews, devotedly temp for you and you STILL insist on REJECTING me at every turn!!! WTF!!! WHAT DOES IT TAKE??? I think I'm gonna go open a vein on the steps over at Craig."

And that was how I ended my facebook dependence.

My Pitt dependence, on the other hand, continues. I received another rejection letter yesterday.

Based on the reactions to the above confession (25 applications, no acceptance), it seems that it's beyond time for me to move on.

When I share it and say it out loud, it becomes quite obvious that I'm being used.

And looking back, there's been a lot of insincerity. A lot of "we'd like to keep you, but..." Somehow I'm just not one of them so they give me their sad, puppy dog pouts and then stab me in the back.

But what the fuck do you move on to in PGH? I don't know computers, medicine, or bridge repair. Maybe CMU?

Oh, and I need to take my masters degree OFF my resume, it's holding me back. And add my work philosophy: "Point me toward the internet and leave me alone. I'll see you in 8 hours."

Mass Confusion: An Apology

Beginning to reconsider my hasty decision to move back to Philadelphia. Yes, it's true. As lonely as it can feel here, I'm not sure I can handle the forced group hangouts of Philadelphia and the general stress that comes with living there.  Yeah, yeah, I know they're not mandatory but they kinda are. Six or less is a good number for most things, not 30. I see pictures on facebook (which I absolutely despise right now) of large groups in Philly and I start hyperventilating and hating myself. Actually, I see anything on fb and I start hating myself. It's a black hole. I would like to publicly apologize to Hot Dog for taunting him about not being there.

Philadelphia: Everything's convenient there, unlike here, but it's ugly. Real ugly. And now there's MegaBus so it costs like $5 to get from here to Philly in record time (compared to the train).

I'm too worried about finding a job and paying rent in Philly. I accumulated a lot of debt when I lived there and I don't want to deal with that again. There has to be another compromise. Something better than Pittsburgh or Philadelphia, I just don't know where it is. I'm wondering if I shouldn't stay here, take my nursing prereqs at CCAC, then decide on a nursing BSN program somewhere else in the country. CCAC is a lot cheaper than CCP but also less convenient...

I'm going to hate anything or anywhere right now because of my mental health combined with my lack of health care, so easier, if less convenient, might actually be better. I just don't want to get stuck here forever.

I wish I were less fickle and changeable in my nature. On an unrelated (or is it?) note I've become annoyed and embarrassed lately with the number of people who ask me what I do and/or what I'm into. Um, nothing? Does there have to be something? I don't go out and I have a shallow-at-best interest in a variety of things but no actual "hobbies." I don't "live," goddamn it, I do my best to survive. Especially when there's no therapy/medication except for alcohol.

Ugh, I have to stop writing about this. I hate crying at work.

So, in conclusion, I apologize if I prematurely excited Philadelphia folks. It's not 100% ruled out but it may be a while longer before we leave PGH (ack!). I do love Philadelphia but I don't think I love it enough to subject myself to its horrors right now.

 (I wish I could remove the tag but I don't have the capabilities)

Going Quiet

"You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled" 
-Marina & the Diamonds


Hello, everybody!


I've been quiet lately.  It's how I deal with things when they get too overwhelming (my head gets too loud?).  I "go quiet."  More quiet than normal.  I've always been quiet and always had to suffer through jokes about being so, usually from co-workers who like to turn it around on me.  Ha ha, that's so funny, your joke about how I make so much noise!  Sorry I don't want to join in on any of your mindless conversations about... Actually, I have no idea what they're talking about.  Washing machines? That's what I had to talk about with one of my co-workers this past Friday when she decided to sit down (uninvited) in my (temporary) office for a "visit."  She especially likes to make jokes about how quiet I am.    


Usually when I "go quiet" it's because I really have nothing kind or positive to say to or about anyone.  I'm probably deep in self-pity and boiling over with jealousy so it's best I stay quiet or risk making a fool out of myself by spouting my unpopular opinions and truthful observations.  [I will read you like a drag queen.  (I wish.)]    


OMG, I just had to log out of Runescape so this fool would stop following me.  I can't even interact well with others in video games.  I really don't know how you all do it, playing games with strangers.  I get too annoyed.  Hmm.  

But I'm trying to be more outwardly positive, when it comes to being an internet personality, anyway.  I find it hard to write about anything but what's going on in my head, though.  It seems like I've gotten worse since deciding to move back to Philly.  Now that it's supposed to actually happen I find myself paralyzed by doubt and fear.  Mainly I'm scared to death of trying to find a job.  And what kind of job?  Should I really try to go back to school or should I try again to find a library job?  I know I'm good at going to school, I think that's the ONLY thing I'm good at. 

What the what is going on in this picture? I love it.

I don't want to have to organize and manage and present and coerce and sell sell sell which seems to be the only job there is left in this world no matter what label it actually has.  


I've been working at the iSchool again.  The place from which I received my masters degree in delusion.  And I watch all these fools come in who are also getting degrees in delusion and then my bitterness overwhelms me and I want to burst into tears and scream at them that they are fools being sold false promises.  When in fact the majority of them will probably get offered a library job. 


See why I go quiet?    

"Beautiful Suicide"

It's strange how a Kanye West song can remind me of this:

Truthfully, it's not strange at all, he pretty much mentions it in the song.  I'm sorry the dl link there doesn't work any more, it's a good song.  If you like that kinda thing.  That photo, by Robert Wiles, is truly gorgeous.  It's from 1947 and I only first saw it in 2009.  Disappointing since it looks like something that was made for me.

Entries are going to be a little sporadic over the next few weeks while I jock out about the WORLD CUP.  Maybe you've heard of it.  It's one of my most favorite things in the WORLD.  I'm such a jock about it that one of the faculty members I've been working with gave me a copy of the New Yorker because it has an article about the England/US rivalry and Tim Howard which she wanted me to read and, inexplicably, a recent issue of France Football, which is all in French but has an article about the French national team.  I spent some time reading it this morning.  No, I don't generally claim to know French, I took a few years of it in high school but that's it.  It's day five and I haven't missed a match yet.

As for what's really going on, and to get back to that photo up there, let me just say that June is a bad month for me.  It's always been the month of the year that I think most about death, dying, and wanting to die.  It's the month when I "tried" to die when I was 16 (or was I 15? I don't recall, it was that profound...).  But a lot of people I know have "tried" to die at some point in their lives so it doesn't make me special.   

Another reason I may be sporadic is that when I start a depression cycle it comes on hard and it comes on fast, faster if I'm drinking too much, and I'm entering one of those cycles now.  Monday was a night of nothing is easy, nothing works right, everything's wrong.  At 9:25 I was in bed after I finally found a working, decent quality upload of True Blood around 8.  Then I took a shower and climbed into bed, hoping to retreat into the Henry Darger-esque saga I've been writing for the past 10 years.  Wiki that.

Another reason I may become sporadic is that, as with most things in my life, this will (has already begun to) become like a chore to me, this blog.  Anything that initially excites me, soon, very soon, begins to bore me.  I remember being so angry at my sister when she called me "fickle" when I was 17 years old.  But she was right.  I was then and I am now.  And I get bored so easily or lose interest in things or people (maybe you), jobs, eating right, exercise...  Then I found $5 and  I had a dream and you were in it...

And did you ever notice that summer is never idyllic anymore?  It definitely isn't here, where I live.  It's like summer isn't even an event here as far as I can tell.  I remember having fun summers, I swear.  But I could be making that up.  BTW, Lily Dale opens for the season on 25 June.  Mike, Jeanne, I'm looking at you...   

I'd like to thank the people who have told me in person that they read this blog.  I appreciate it mightily.  You may also feel free to comment here once in a while if the spirit moves you.

C'mon England!  But if not England then Germany... or Brazil!  WORLD CUP 2010!!!

"You're not passive aggressive, you're just aggressive."

Two things up front:
One: We STILL have not gotten our computer back.  I am unsurprised.
Two: (Teaser) Before I put my essay on my father's death together, I am trying to get copies of some photos from the "wake" where we stood in front of a church altar while waving thousands of dollars in the air.    

So I was doing some dishes last night around 10:15pm after watching the Biggest Loser finale. Which was obviously very anti-climactic, Michael won, losing like 50% of his weight. I thought he looked gay now, Allen said no, that's just Italian.  We're offensive to humans.  But I was doing dishes and I was real tired and so I started slamming things a bit as I will tend to do when I'm irritable.  When I do this I sometimes feel like it's passive aggressive, but maybe I'm wrong.  The title of this post is something Allen once said to me when I told him I feel that way.  Not because of a slamming things situation, more in relation to other people.  Anyway, doing this always causes Allen to come in and try to force me out and take over when that's not exactly what I'm looking for.  Usually, I just want to slam things.  Sometimes I do it without even realizing it.  So he tried to take over and I said, no, you can't, these dishes are too dirty for you to handle (he can be a half-assed dishwasher).  I think that's where it crosses into aggressive.

I tend to offend people.  A lot.  Without even realizing it or meaning to.  Well, sometimes I mean to, sometimes I just like being mean-spirited.  I find the reactions amusing.  I suppose it springs from something I was once diagnosed with, that goes hand in hand with my major psych diagnosis of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) which is dissociative disorder (this site had a pretty good basic explanation, I think I have all four of those, especially Dissociative amnesia.  Regardless, I've definitely experienced all of them).  But I'm not one to try and fall back on my illness just because it's convenient.  Am I?  I could be delusional about that.  I can be delusional about things, too.  And paranoid.

Like last night, Allen and I went out for a 3-4 mile walk.  I finally made myself go back out, getting too lazy.  It's taken me like, 4 months to lose 10lbs., I don't want to gain it back now. *Sigh*  There's this house not far from us, we call it the Dragon House and it's a really awesome looking house.  It's approximately 5403-5405 Hobart St., Pittsburgh, PA 15217, if you want to Google Maps it, Street View.  I get angry when we walk by it because I'm so jealous and say things like"it's a shame about your house.  That it's so awesome."  So last night Allen goes, "you know, they don't live there to spite you."  And I go, "yes, they do."  "Why can't you just be happy for them that they have an awesome house?"  "Because I don't [have one]."

It's getting hard to write these posts at work.  I can't concentrate on it for long enough, there are too many interruptions.

Where I was actually planning to go with this was that I was thinking while I was doing dishes last night about what I do wrong in relationships.  Okay, I'm about to get real... I've been talking to someone on the FB, a lady and fellow "blogger," (how obvious am I?) and it seems like we have a lot in common and could be actual friends and so, realizing this, what am I doing?  Freaking the fuck out!!!  Trying to pull away from it already.  I said to Allen, "what if she wants to meet me?"  I mean we've kinda met before but...  Like, what if she wants to hang out and I can't do it?  I can't be alone with strangers.  Especially women strangers.  I have PTSD about being with women, not "being with" but being friends with and being alone with them because of some bullshit that happened in middle school. I'm seriously almost hyper-ventilating right now just thinking about it.  Tears welling up.  Hate hate hate this. 

Wow.  Okay.  I'm going to stop there.  Blog does not equal therapist.  Okay.  Sorry.  I shall leave the record as is stands despite feeling slightly uncomfortable with this.  I definitely welcome feedback on this post though. Maybe that will help.  Though nothing has really helped what I just told you and it's been 20 years.  Jesus, this didn't go where I had planned.   

     

Susan Boyle Is Better Than Me

I've been thinking a lot about dreams recently.  There are those of us who no longer bother with dreams because we realize there is no way they will ever be fulfilled and then there are people who are delusional.  I'm in the middle.  Trying to dream new dreams.  Primarily because I don't remember what the old ones were. 

Thinking back, and if you knew me at all you'd know that thinking and remembering are two of my greatest challenges, I used to dream of being...  Fuck it, I can't remember ever having any dreams.  I've never been that ambitious.  As you can see from that last sentence I tend to equate dreams with goals.  Which is fine since I never achieve either.

Right now my immediate goals (read: Dreams) are to do well at a job interview tomorrow (in Pittsburgh), quit my current job (in Pittsburgh), save some $ and get the hell out (of Pittsburgh).  Oh, and get health insurance.  First thing Ima do when I get health insurance again is demand anti-anxiety medication.  Do NOT doubt this!  There is an unwritten nine month deadline on moving.  If I miss it - well, I'm not going to miss it.  I'll go back to Cecil County if I have to.  That's a threat and a promise.     

Much of the content of the previous paragraph stems from my tendency to never be happy anywhere or with anything.  In nine months I will move and in 18 I will hate whatever the new situation is.  And dreams/goals: I never achieve them because I am always waiting for things to happen to me instead of actively doing anything about them.  That way I can be irrationally angry about more things. 

Here is a list, in no particular order, of things I would like to do:
I would like to be an iPod DJ (because I would be better than you, you're clearing the floor with that thing!).
I would like to attend drag shows (because I like them).
I would like to start running (again).
I would like to own a laptop (how pathetic is that? It's 2009, almost 2010, and I don't have a laptop; if you want to buy me a laptop you may).
I would like to travel.  I would say "travel more" but I don't really go anywhere at all these days.  (No money, honey.  If you would like to pay for me to come visit you, I will do it.) 
I would like to go to see bands or comedians or shows that I'm interested in when they come to a town near me.

My point with this pathetic list is that these things are all easily do-able and they are things that lots of people do all the time.  But for some reason I can't do them.  Because of the anxiety, hence, the first thing Ima do = anti-anxiety meds.    

Now, this is just sad.  I wanted to start this blog to see if I could be funny again but I am so messed up that something that I had planned to be funny just turned pathetic.  Susan Boyle may be better than me but what i've just done here -That's talent.