I have only just begun to drink so this is going to get much more pathetic as the night goes on. This song is destroying me right now:
I always think, "this time it will be different". It's never different and it always hurts. I wouldn't let myself cry yesterday but things are different tonight. I didn't think there would be much to mourn considering the circumstances but that's exactly what I'm doing. I've reached the second stage of grief. Anger. Actually, I went there first because there's never any reason to deny what's happening when it happens and I'm always so quick to walk away. And it's not like anyone ever regrets that I do.
This wasn't supposed to be a pity party but I think that's what I need right now. He said, "don't take it all on yourself," but how can I not? I know how I am. But he's right and you can't control what other people think about you. You do your best and that's all you can do. So no matter how much you want something maybe the other person doesn't want it as much. And no one's to blame for that.
You know how some people say they have "a calling" in life? Those people who from an early age KNOW that they want to be a doctor or a whatever (what do people want to be these days?) and then they FUCKING DO THAT THING? I don't understand that. I'm pretty sure it's just that they've convinced themselves that they're supposed to do that thing and so they do it without thinking about it. I've never felt that I was supposed to do a particular thing. Not even close. I suppose I have at times thought that I was SUPPOSED to be a writer but I usually have to work so I don't actually have much time to focus on that. Not truly focus.
That being said, can we talk about how weird and awesome acceptance is? Let me see if I can explain myself. I'm not talking about accepting others, that's not something I interested in. Other people are dumb and you shouldn't have to accept idiocy. We should all be held to higher intellectual (and pop culture) standards (that includes knowing what a "Flapper" is/was). I'm talking about accepting yourself and the way things are. THAT being said, I don't mean that I am advocating for throwing your hands up and giving up, abandoning all forward progress, or killing yourself. Hmm. Well maybe, in some circumstances I am advocating that you kill yourself because you CAN'T STOP WHINING about how the "WORLD" is fucking you. Ha ha. Ha. Stop talking. Now. You're an adult.
Anyway, I have realized that it's EXTREMELY annoying to whine all the time and have been trying to change myself because I know that I tend to be whiny. (But I was really having trouble trying to figure out how to make tacos last night. I can't cook that simply! If it takes less than four hours I'm lost. There was some LOUD whining in that kitchen.) So I've been slowly shifting my brain into a mode of acceptance. By accepting who I am and how things are I find I am infinitely happier. It works especially well for family relationships. You just go, "eh, fuck those guys," and then you just have a good time when you see them. It also works for hating the town you live in, "eh, fuck this place," and then you just keep on going, knowing that it's not forever. It's a sort of "fake it till you make it" mentality I suppose except less corny. Also, I'm not too concerned with the making it part right now. I'm just doin' me. OMG. Yay!
So don't cry and don't whine, just do this (I think it will help) :
So don't let them bring you down and Don't let them fuck you around cuz Those are your arms that is your heart and No no they can't tear you apart
