"I'm your secretary"

I said, "I'm still outta here, fb, but I just HAVE to get out one more rant about PITT: Srsly, Pitt, I've applied for at least 25 jobs with you over 3 years, had about 6 or 7 interviews, devotedly temp for you and you STILL insist on REJECTING me at every turn!!! WTF!!! WHAT DOES IT TAKE??? I think I'm gonna go open a vein on the steps over at Craig."

And that was how I ended my facebook dependence.

My Pitt dependence, on the other hand, continues. I received another rejection letter yesterday.

Based on the reactions to the above confession (25 applications, no acceptance), it seems that it's beyond time for me to move on.

When I share it and say it out loud, it becomes quite obvious that I'm being used.

And looking back, there's been a lot of insincerity. A lot of "we'd like to keep you, but..." Somehow I'm just not one of them so they give me their sad, puppy dog pouts and then stab me in the back.

But what the fuck do you move on to in PGH? I don't know computers, medicine, or bridge repair. Maybe CMU?

Oh, and I need to take my masters degree OFF my resume, it's holding me back. And add my work philosophy: "Point me toward the internet and leave me alone. I'll see you in 8 hours."

Going Quiet

"You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled" 
-Marina & the Diamonds


Hello, everybody!


I've been quiet lately.  It's how I deal with things when they get too overwhelming (my head gets too loud?).  I "go quiet."  More quiet than normal.  I've always been quiet and always had to suffer through jokes about being so, usually from co-workers who like to turn it around on me.  Ha ha, that's so funny, your joke about how I make so much noise!  Sorry I don't want to join in on any of your mindless conversations about... Actually, I have no idea what they're talking about.  Washing machines? That's what I had to talk about with one of my co-workers this past Friday when she decided to sit down (uninvited) in my (temporary) office for a "visit."  She especially likes to make jokes about how quiet I am.    


Usually when I "go quiet" it's because I really have nothing kind or positive to say to or about anyone.  I'm probably deep in self-pity and boiling over with jealousy so it's best I stay quiet or risk making a fool out of myself by spouting my unpopular opinions and truthful observations.  [I will read you like a drag queen.  (I wish.)]    


OMG, I just had to log out of Runescape so this fool would stop following me.  I can't even interact well with others in video games.  I really don't know how you all do it, playing games with strangers.  I get too annoyed.  Hmm.  

But I'm trying to be more outwardly positive, when it comes to being an internet personality, anyway.  I find it hard to write about anything but what's going on in my head, though.  It seems like I've gotten worse since deciding to move back to Philly.  Now that it's supposed to actually happen I find myself paralyzed by doubt and fear.  Mainly I'm scared to death of trying to find a job.  And what kind of job?  Should I really try to go back to school or should I try again to find a library job?  I know I'm good at going to school, I think that's the ONLY thing I'm good at. 

What the what is going on in this picture? I love it.

I don't want to have to organize and manage and present and coerce and sell sell sell which seems to be the only job there is left in this world no matter what label it actually has.  


I've been working at the iSchool again.  The place from which I received my masters degree in delusion.  And I watch all these fools come in who are also getting degrees in delusion and then my bitterness overwhelms me and I want to burst into tears and scream at them that they are fools being sold false promises.  When in fact the majority of them will probably get offered a library job. 


See why I go quiet?    

"The Time Has Come for You to Lipsync for Your Life," Again.

Interview today, 2:30pm.  For the job I've been doing since March 4th.  The job that was to last "through April," according to the original request.  This sucks.  So weird interviewing for your job.  Also, you can't imagine how anxious I get when it comes to interviews.  In the car on the way to work this morning, right before I almost starting crying hysterically, I said to Allen, "I'm so tired of failing!"  Jeez, just writing it is making me want to start crying again.  He tried to tell me that's not what it is, but I know the truth, oh, I know.  I have super crazy powers.  Emphasis on the crazy.   

I am seriously so bad, maybe bad isn't the word, I am so mediocre at interviewing and so bad at dealing with the rejection that I've investigated how to get disability benefits from the government.  Well, the underlying anxiety and depression issues in combination with poor interview skills pushed me in that direction.  And the encouragement of a relative who is legally disabled due to mental health issues.  But interviews, they make me want to shit myself and throw up at the same time.  Like, I literally feel like doing that.  *Gross*  The worst part is that I can't gauge how the two major decision makers for this position are leaning.  It's a university job so they have to follow protocol and do at least a few interviews, (it's me, two other ladies and one dude, I've only seen one of the ladies) but it's killing me.  I haven't had a real full-time job since, um, like 2000, when I still lived in Delaware.  I need some security!  And yes, it's only an Admin. position (Admin. II!) but you have to understand the emotional and psychological toll being "just a temp" takes on a person. Boy am I gonna regret this post if I don't get this job.  I foolishly have a lot of plans dependent on the outcome of this.  Like finding a new place to live that isn't an insectarium and either doesn't have grass or has grass that gets mowed on a regular basis.  And I would also like a place where the creepy downstairs neighbor, you may know him as "Silent But Deadly," doesn't smoke or make hot dog/fart smells that permeate my life.  But, hey, at least he's abnormally quiet.  

In other news, I watched Wolf Creek last night, and while it wasn't bad, it wasn't good either. 



There was something lacking that I can't quite put my finger on.  I felt like I needed a reason for why the antagonist was doing what he was doing.  I know, I know, it's supposed to be simply because he's "EVIL" or something, but seeing as I don't believe in evil, except as a human/religious construct, I wasn't buying him.  Allen also pointed out that TENSION was majorly lacking as well.  It did have the awesome "head on a stick" bit but then they never really did anything with it after that...

Then we watched some more of Marble Hornets.  I think we stopped on 21.  I really enjoyed Leslie's comment on FB about it: "PS why the shit arent WE making this stuff? You folks have some of the sickest most creative minds I know! Dare I suggest we put down the dice and pick up the cheap handhelds?"

Really, why the shit aren't we?      

Coming up: Girl Hero blogs about the death of her father?  Is Girl Hero ready for that?  Is the world?