Reek. It Rhymes with Seek.

I keep telling myself I'm going to come up with something. Something as great as the three-part brilliance that was the story of my father's funeral. Something as absurd as the history of "Tainted Love" trilogy. I've been mildly perturbed at (or with, you choose) myself for not having more to say about my mother's funeral but it was a very different situation. And I was drunk the entire fucking time. Like literally. There was a lot of drinking that week. I was sitting in the front row during the eulogy drinking straight vodka out of a water bottle. When it was time for the after-party I was wasted and didn't even notice that my 18 year old nephew was also drunk and just randomly yelling nigger and faggot from the corner of the kitchen.

We can't have nice things.

I guess I'm kinda telling a story about it now so let me add that after B. scared everyone away and K. came back with his room mate and co., I got blazed and remember D.'s brother telling us a story about how his baby had died recently. I also remember asking said brother where he was from because he was very New Jersey. He's from Elkton. He took me saying he seemed Jersey as a compliment. Kids.

Something happened to my original image so here's a photo of the outside of "BG Books"
(My sisters have a used bookstore here. In Elkton. BG stands for Big Girls.)

But I don't know. I'm here. Here. My stomach has been trying to kill me the last few days. In retaliation, I assume, for my hedonistic behavior that started with PMS and ended(?) with my birthday weekend. Turns out you can gain 5 pounds in two weeks. You just have to work at it.

Yeah, that's whatever. She said, as she ate another piece of chocolate.

I'm going on a solo adventure this weekend. The crazy part is that I'll be driving. All the way to Philly. By myself. In the White Knight of Texas. If something deeply upsetting doesn't happen during my travels I'll be fucking surprised.

I need more anger. I think that's what's been missing. Or a decent celebrity crush. (Mind your business.) I've been stagnant and bored with just everything. I hate admitting that I'm bored. The whole "if you're bored then you're boring" thing. I don't want to be boring.

I want to be adored. I want everyone to love me. Which is total bullshit because the actual stress from that isn't any fun, either. Even a little bit of attention does my head in.

I never know what I want. Except the total eradication of all insects.

Indomitable spirit. That's what I have. Am I right?


I'm reposting this, from August 2010. Because I can and because I listened to it tonight and it's not half bad. And I didn't cry while listening to track 7. I think that's a first.

I've been thinking a lot of uncomfortable "thinks" lately. To commemorate this I've made another mixtape for you. It's called "Sad Sack" (that's the link) and I am not providing artists or titles in an attempt to avoid prejudice.  Although, I did provide some sample lyrics so you could figure out the songs from that. JFGI.

1. How it feels to hate yourself because of your appearance.
     "I wish you'd see yourself as beautiful as I see you."

2. How it feels to have to fake being ok every day.
    "Do you want me to smile? Well, I'll try."

3. How it feels to not have any control.
    "C'mon, mood, shift, shift back to good again. C'mon, be a friend."

4. How it feels to interact with other people.
    "I wish you the best, you snake."

5. How it feels to know your dreams, and the dreams of those you love the most, will never come true.  See song 6.
    "May all of your dreams come true."

6. How it feels to grow up poor.
    "Tell 'em all they can kiss our asses goodbye."

7. How it feels to know too much about your parents' relationship and how it has affected every aspect of your life. I am being dead serious when I tell you that I can't listen to this song without crying like a baby.

    "Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me."

8. How it feels to be constantly fucked over. See songs 5 and 6.
    "Must I weep and mourn?"

9. How it feels to fuck up when you're young.
    "She's feeling more alone than she ever has before."

10. How it feels to love someone who's just as fucked up as you are.
       "You're not free now; you're not innocent; you're transparent; and you're right."

11. How it feels when a friend dies and you know he was a better person than you'll ever be.
      "Goodbye my friend."

12. How it feels to feel ok sometimes. Even if it's artificial.
       "For all the shit, for all the dear departed, for all the war, we've still got beer."

13. How it feels to get older.
       "I'd rather stay here in my room; nothin' out there but sad and gloom."  

14. How it feels to keep on livin.'
       "Don't let them bring you down and don't let them fuck you around cuz those are your arms, that is your heart and no, no, they can't tear you apart."

Office Space: An IRL Update

I just want to lay on the floor. Here, in my office. Just lay on the floor. It happens every afternoon. It's starting to be funny.

Everyone tells me they want Ed to make "afternoon" coffee. He made "afternoon" coffee for me once, in the morning. That means coffee that has alcohol in it. When he made me "afternoon" coffee he put Hennessey in it. Maybe they're telling me because I am Ed's new keeper so I have pull. I just want a pop. Soda, I mean.

This is the beginning (middle, now) of week 4 at my new assignment. It's one of the better ones. Ed doesn't want me to ever leave. That's very sweet of him. I'm just looking forward to being able to order office supplies.

I'm going to go see if they fixed the soda machines downstairs. They weren't taking dollar dollar bills last week. BRB.

They're fixed. Pepsi Throwback. If it was really a throwback it would be in a glass bottle with a metal cap and a Styrofoam label that you can peel off in strips. It's really hard to find a picture of...all I could find is this dirty Diet Pepsi bottle. That would be my personal version of a Pepsi throwback.

Once again I'm not going to have a Hallowe'en costume ready by Hallowe'en. The pieces I need are harder to come by than I expected. Plus I tend to put things off. That's the real problem. I did buy a mustache, tho.

In other news: I remain infinitely depressed by life and its circumstances. I seem to have given up on running (again), dieting, intuitively eating, and predict that I shall never again have health insurance. I presume I will be found one day, dead of unnatural causes and covered in stink bugs, still in Pittsburgh and still in the same shitty apartment in Squirrel Hill. But by then all of my neighbors will be Chinese. Just thought I'd throw that China bit in there. China is here.

In other (positive TMI) news: My household has gone from drinking 2-6 beers per night per person to 2-4 beers per week per person. Plus 1 to Constitution, Wisdom, Intelligence, etc. Congrats to us!  

Zaftig, Madame?

Trying to delete my facebook account. Not sure it's going to work. And if it does, not sure if anyone will notice. Who cares? If my mulitude of blogs are still in any way attached to fb I wonder if it will void the delete request? I don't understand why they make you go through a waiting period. And yes, this is to delete, not just deactivate. I don't like the pressure of fb and the way it makes me feel like an "unpopular" middle school student. I know that's stupid but I can't divorce those feelings from my experience of it. It just feels gross.  

I am having the worst time accepting what I've done to my body. It's like I have reverse anorexia. You know how anorexics are supposed to see themselves as fatter than they are? Well, I see myself as smaller than I am. Then I end up seeing a photo of myself taken by someone who didn't take into consideration angles or alerting fatty that she was about to have her picture taken, etc. It's not their fault, they didn't realize, it just made me miserable all day on Sunday and I still haven't completely recovered.

I can not just accept it and be all "fat power" or whatever. I'm not that type of person. It's awful and it's miserable being fat. I don't care what anyone says. This has been on my mind for a while now and I've found some serious encouragement from all the ladies (and some dudes) on Tumblr who are losing weight and writing about how difficult it is but also how positive. I don't know what it's actually going to take to make me do this thing but I'm trying again. I don't want to be super skinny, I don't even think that's possible for my body, I just don't want to be so lumpy. And I know I have to make peace with where I'm at if I actually want this to work... I've gotta figure this out. And stop eating around 2000 calories a day. Jeez.  I started C25K again, and successfully completed all of day two, so that's a very positive sign. It's the eating/drinking that I can't get a handle on.

So I'm currently trying to manage this blog and two Tumblr blogs. I don't know why. I'm not that popular (see above). I'm tired and I've been feeling very uncreative lately so none of these blogs are doing terribly well. I need to just take some time to do nothing and think about nothing but it's not happening. Like at work, I spend my whole day trying to find things to do online rather than work. Instead of desperately searching for new things (there are only about 3 new things a day on the internet) I should try sitting silently for a few minutes to focus myself.

Well, that's about all I have for now. This may be the beginning of the end of this blog since I think the few people who read it usually do so from the fb links (Allen's particularly; don't get me started, I know I have cooties, but come on!). It is still possible to follow me if you want to and it's still free as far as I know. RSS, bookmarks, actually follow and get your picture on the blog...

Unpopular girls everywhere would appreciate it. 

"Tiered Internet," indeed.