I Demand a Recount.

Guys, guys, guys! My birthday is coming up. It's a big one and, as usual, I haven't made any plans. Story of my life. No plans.

I mean, there are a couple of big ones I'm working on. Moving back to Philly being the main plan right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been here before. 2 years ago. I think it's all about Wawa. But I've updated my resume (last week), made an application on Penn's website (this week), maybe next week I'll actually start applying for jobs. Five months isn't a long time. You get used to living in PGH and it's hard to get out... you get lazy and used to paying your bills.

But I'm getting old. And I know it's overly dramatic but the other day I literally wrote that if I don't get out of here soon it's going to be a death sentence. I can't die here. I have better things to do.

I'm in a panic about bringing it up to my boss, though, because he's an old man who has told me and everyone else repeatedly that I can't leave him because his dead wife sent me to him and if I leave her ghost will haunt me. He says this. I think he's only half joking. But the thing is, I could really use his help with finding a job. GRR!

And I know I'm kind of PMS-y right now. And I have to pay taxes, another reason Pittsburgh has been fucked up. We've never owed money until we came here. Trying to find a job stresses me the fuck out. Our clothes dryer stopped working. I'm blaming Heather and all the weird shit she puts in there like boots and stuffed animals. No one's called about it being broken, though. Why would we? My birthday, needing a haircut, grocery shopping, driving to Philly at the end of the month, all these things are stressing me out. And I'm tired, very, very tired. Don't even get me started on the drinking, or rather the trying not to drink and the cake and the McDonald's, potato chips...

Yet I'm feeling strangely optimistic right now.

I know. 

Mass Confusion: An Apology

Beginning to reconsider my hasty decision to move back to Philadelphia. Yes, it's true. As lonely as it can feel here, I'm not sure I can handle the forced group hangouts of Philadelphia and the general stress that comes with living there.  Yeah, yeah, I know they're not mandatory but they kinda are. Six or less is a good number for most things, not 30. I see pictures on facebook (which I absolutely despise right now) of large groups in Philly and I start hyperventilating and hating myself. Actually, I see anything on fb and I start hating myself. It's a black hole. I would like to publicly apologize to Hot Dog for taunting him about not being there.

Philadelphia: Everything's convenient there, unlike here, but it's ugly. Real ugly. And now there's MegaBus so it costs like $5 to get from here to Philly in record time (compared to the train).

I'm too worried about finding a job and paying rent in Philly. I accumulated a lot of debt when I lived there and I don't want to deal with that again. There has to be another compromise. Something better than Pittsburgh or Philadelphia, I just don't know where it is. I'm wondering if I shouldn't stay here, take my nursing prereqs at CCAC, then decide on a nursing BSN program somewhere else in the country. CCAC is a lot cheaper than CCP but also less convenient...

I'm going to hate anything or anywhere right now because of my mental health combined with my lack of health care, so easier, if less convenient, might actually be better. I just don't want to get stuck here forever.

I wish I were less fickle and changeable in my nature. On an unrelated (or is it?) note I've become annoyed and embarrassed lately with the number of people who ask me what I do and/or what I'm into. Um, nothing? Does there have to be something? I don't go out and I have a shallow-at-best interest in a variety of things but no actual "hobbies." I don't "live," goddamn it, I do my best to survive. Especially when there's no therapy/medication except for alcohol.

Ugh, I have to stop writing about this. I hate crying at work.

So, in conclusion, I apologize if I prematurely excited Philadelphia folks. It's not 100% ruled out but it may be a while longer before we leave PGH (ack!). I do love Philadelphia but I don't think I love it enough to subject myself to its horrors right now.

 (I wish I could remove the tag but I don't have the capabilities)

Going Quiet

"You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled" 
-Marina & the Diamonds


Hello, everybody!


I've been quiet lately.  It's how I deal with things when they get too overwhelming (my head gets too loud?).  I "go quiet."  More quiet than normal.  I've always been quiet and always had to suffer through jokes about being so, usually from co-workers who like to turn it around on me.  Ha ha, that's so funny, your joke about how I make so much noise!  Sorry I don't want to join in on any of your mindless conversations about... Actually, I have no idea what they're talking about.  Washing machines? That's what I had to talk about with one of my co-workers this past Friday when she decided to sit down (uninvited) in my (temporary) office for a "visit."  She especially likes to make jokes about how quiet I am.    


Usually when I "go quiet" it's because I really have nothing kind or positive to say to or about anyone.  I'm probably deep in self-pity and boiling over with jealousy so it's best I stay quiet or risk making a fool out of myself by spouting my unpopular opinions and truthful observations.  [I will read you like a drag queen.  (I wish.)]    


OMG, I just had to log out of Runescape so this fool would stop following me.  I can't even interact well with others in video games.  I really don't know how you all do it, playing games with strangers.  I get too annoyed.  Hmm.  

But I'm trying to be more outwardly positive, when it comes to being an internet personality, anyway.  I find it hard to write about anything but what's going on in my head, though.  It seems like I've gotten worse since deciding to move back to Philly.  Now that it's supposed to actually happen I find myself paralyzed by doubt and fear.  Mainly I'm scared to death of trying to find a job.  And what kind of job?  Should I really try to go back to school or should I try again to find a library job?  I know I'm good at going to school, I think that's the ONLY thing I'm good at. 

What the what is going on in this picture? I love it.

I don't want to have to organize and manage and present and coerce and sell sell sell which seems to be the only job there is left in this world no matter what label it actually has.  


I've been working at the iSchool again.  The place from which I received my masters degree in delusion.  And I watch all these fools come in who are also getting degrees in delusion and then my bitterness overwhelms me and I want to burst into tears and scream at them that they are fools being sold false promises.  When in fact the majority of them will probably get offered a library job. 


See why I go quiet?    

"If I ruled the world..."

WTF? Is SBD burning toast?

For those of you who don't know, SBD is our downstairs neighbor.  He's very quiet, hence, SBD.  Silent But Deadly.  Sometimes the downstairs hallway smells like farts.  He drinks cheap beer and mid-grade whiskey which I appreciate, but it can lead to stinky farts.  And he's less friendly than I am.  That says a lot.  With his weird flat mohawk and NOFX hoodie, and his Volvo with Massachusetts plates. 

(Today I ate half a donut and the leftover oily Chinese food from the night before.)  (And I stole a diet Coke from the work fridge.)  One day I'll be a wench but never a skinny bitch.  (Inside joke.)  (Then I'll go to Shampoo with you but we'll both be in drag so no one will know!) (More inside jokes.)

I wanted to write a post about all the things I'll do when I go back to Philly.  Maybe I'll still do that for next week. Mostly the things I want to do involve walking around, sitting in parks, and Chinese grocery stores. I really do miss that place like crazy. I'm going to cry now just thinking about it. Reading Terminal Market, that little park next to the Mutter Museum, the huge Asian market on 6th street that smells awful. Tofu hoagies from Fu-Wah, Clark Park, Washington Square, Fergie's, Monk's, Nodding Head, bagel sandwiches at Benna's, trips to Ocean City and LBI in the summer, Wawa! Hearing about how awesome Hammonton was for the gazillionth time...

And it seems Kung Fu Necktie isn't so bad... I want to come back so bad.  Nowhere else has ever felt so much like home. I even want that maniac who couldn't figure out how to get out of the Chinatown Wawa to come back into my life: "LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!" That was the best. And I want to go to your art show, whoever you are (Bonsky?).  And I want Andrew to tattoo me everyday and I want to hang out and be social like I've never been before.  And I want to walk to the art museum and the hobo library and ride the el and have some guy try to sell me socks at the weirdest moments and I want to slip and fall into the LOVE Park fountain. I want people to get fevers from "swimming" in the fountain at Logan Squircle (yeah, I made that one up - squircle). Fuck. I want to go to Temple and be an undergrad taking mythology and Old English classes... My heart is breaking for what was and what I want the future to be... PLEASE!!! 

I want some fucking tater tot scramble from the Royal... I want Live 8 and Will Smith rehearsing and the backup dancers getting into a fist fight and Will Smith saying "only in Philadelphia" while Jeff looks sad and left behind on the turntables.  I want to giggle for no reason every time I walk past Ben Franklin's grave site, the same way I giggle when I walk by the African American Museum that's next to the federal pen and I wanna keep yelling "Lil' Kim" every time I walk past that prison whether she's in there or not.

Ugh.  I want to go home.  So much do I want this.

Snap Snap Bubble Wrap.

I mentioned in a previous post that June is the worst month of the year for me.  This past week has been the worst week of an already shit month.  Sometimes everything just seems so hard and quitting is so easy.  What makes things harder is that I can't stand it when people act like victims when they're usually just being victims of circumstances they perpetuated.  I guess what I'm saying is that I'm often guilty of this and I guess I'm feeling guilty right now.  But it's so hard to see your own life objectively.  


Speaking of seeing things objectively: I recently realized that I have a friend(s) who is(are) perpetually "playing the victim" and it's one of the most irritating things I've ever witnessed.  This person seems to purposely put their self in situations that clearly have no outcome other than a bad (or at least unprofitable) one.  It's mind-boggling. But it's also almost a certainty that this person would not listen to reason or any advice that would result in changing this pattern because I think they enjoy it.  I hope this isn't the case and it's more a matter of being conditioned to it.  Who knows.  I just know that I've learned to stay fairly detached from the drama because it's too ridiculous and as much as I hate it when people say this to me, I just wish they could "get over it."  Terrible things happen to people every day.  What matters is how you deal with it.

I can give advice like nobody's bidness but I can't take it.              


Allen said I was "fixated" last night.  Because of years of therapy, a handful of hospital stays and 3 years working in mental health, alarm bells started going off in my head.  I do get ideas in my head that just go round and round and round until everything else is blocked out and I can barely function and find it impossible to take in anything else.  And then I'm very slow-witted when my dream in life is to be charming and quick-witted.  {Insert Sarcastic Smiley Face} This week my fixations have been drinking and moving.  


So we decided to move and I got myself a drink.  


Allen and I went for a walk.  I had been on the verge of a tearful outburst all day.  We were at the soccer field/track in Schenley Park (which I didn't even know existed until a couple weeks ago) when he officially agreed to move back to Philly and I just unleashed.  I said "I feel like I've just been given permission to go home."  And then we started fighting about drinking and I turned around and we walked home in silence.  And so it goes.

"What's wrong with Pittsburgh?" AKA "I'm so sorry if I'm alienating some of you"

The ongoing saga of Gray v. Pittsburgh. 

Q. You know what is the best part of Pittsburgh? A. Neither does anyone else. 

People in Pittsburgh are very sensitive about their city being criticized.  So whenever I get the opportunity I like to criticize Pittsburgh.  I had no idea that if I Googled "I hate Pittsburgh" that I'd find so many like-minded people.  While a lot of the sites I found were sport-related, I also found a handsome number of non-sport related sites.  And before anyone asks the dumb-ass "Then why don't you leave?" question, please be aware that I am working on it and it's easier said than done (see below).  If you want to start a fund to help me move I'll appreciate it.  Treat me like Rush Limbaugh.  I'll actually go.       

This 38 page thread titled "Pittsburgh REALLY SUCKS" has had me laughing out loud at work for two days though most of it's written by fucking CRAZY people.  Believe it or not, I am working on the "If you can't say something nice" rule, so I'll mainly provide some highlights of what others have said about Pittsburgh:

"They are intolerant of others, impatient, know-it-all jerks."

"Pittsburghers are oddly arrogant and downright unfriendly. Anyone not from here is an outsider, and is treated like one. Ignorance is prevalent, and unfortunately even accepted. Pittsburgh is honestly the most racist, intolerable city I have ever even visited, and it's not hard to find a native who's had a few too many I.C. Lights to call you a name and pick a fight with you over nothing. Ask half of them if they have ever left (even on vacation) and many will say no, because they claim no need to.  It is really strange.  Many here have no desire but to live their entire lives here and never see nor care about anything else in the world.  Downright depressing and pathetic."

"I have never hated living somewhere so much in my life (and yes I've lived in several cities)
Everything about this place blows, the weather, the traffic, the parking (or lack there of), people are rude and obnoxious, worst drivers on earth, these weirdass roads make no sense with their 5-way intersections and random ass exits/entrances.
I can't find a job worth CRAP, and am sick of even trying to find one now.
I can't wait to get the heck out of here and am going to be miserable until I do. What a mistake coming here."

"Pittsburgh feels like a large trailer park where everyone is forced to wear yellow and black. It is easily the most irritating place that I have ever lived. "

And sadly, my biggest fear addressed: "Cut your losses and run from this place now! Western Pennsylvania is a vacuum. Most people who want to leave cannot, because their financial situation is perpetually bad. They can never get ahead, but they keep saying 'as soon as I get ahead, I'll get the hell out of here.' It never happens for them though, and they are stuck here forever.
GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN!"

And why do they still allow people to smoke inside at way more places than are necessary?  And why are there no street signs at intersections?  Why are there so many roads that suddenly don't have sidewalks?  What the fuck is wrong with the public transportation in this town?  Why don't you just have everyone pay when they get on like civilized cities do?  And what's with all these damn bugs?  Why does Rick Sebak's voice make me want to throw things at the TV?   

Recently I thought I had reached the acceptance stage in my grieving for someplace other than Pittsburgh.  Hopefully everyone reading this is educated enough to be familiar with the Kubler-Ross stages of grief, if not wiki that.  Unfortunately my acceptance was short-lived when Pitt fucked with me yet again and told me no, you are nothing but a temp and that's what you will always be to us.  This has sent me crashing back into stage 2: ANGER.  And here I sit.  Temping in anger.

I think my household as a whole has reached its threshold with how much Pittsburgh we can take so we are looking into other options.  While I would like to go "home" for a while, somewhere in the MD/DE/PA tri-state area, we are also considering New Orleans.  If you have suggestions on places to live in other states I'm open to hearing about them.  At least one of us has to have a full-time job and we like to pay no more than 20-25% of our income in rent but don't want to live with other people to make that happen... Crazy, I know.