The Great Divide

This fucking depression is killing me. And the stress. And the “OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?” aspect of it all.

That’s right, I’m going to talk about this.

This past week has been hell. There was the monthly blood-letting, the oppressive humidity, then the spider bite, then the spider bite infection (thankfully the visit to the urgent care center and the antibiotics I had to get on Friday evening were both free), I slept til about 5pm Saturday, woke up, showered, then realized I had nowhere to go. So I went to get beer. Which was when I realized I had parked in a handicapped spot and gotten a $75 ticket. On the way out of the beer store, something in my back just, like, snapped and the pain was so intense I thought I was going to fall over right there on the sidewalk. I remember being really drunk last night, taking a bath, sending weird messages to strangers. Today I didn’t go to work, I don’t even know why. But I do have diarrhea and what I think are the beginnings of a yeast infection from the antibiotics. Sweet.

Throughout all of this there have been copious amounts of tears. It’s still three weeks until I can move out and mourn in peace. Three weeks until I find out if I can even manage to live on my own, a thing I’ve never done. Made all the more thrilling because of how alone I feel. When I feel like I have three friends in the whole world who I can talk to about this and none of them live in the same city as me. Philadelphia, Brunswick, MD, and Holland aren’t really within “Can you come over? I need company” distance.

God, I just want to sleep.

But this is what I want, right? Yes. I made this decision. It’s going to eventually be the best thing for both of us... But right now? Right now there is nothing I can do. Three weeks. It’s already been about 3 weeks since the decision was made and I’m just waiting. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable. My head hurts. My back hurts. I just want to feel comfortable somewhere. To not be scared out of my mind for an hour or two. To breathe and be able to think for a minute in a space of my own.

Three weeks.

I don't know what you might already know about what's going on, some of you know more than others, of course, and I know many of you have been through this, but I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I am about to embark on something so positively terrifying that yesterday I couldn't even, I mean literally, get out of bed. Yet it's something that millions of people do all the time. I know, I just know, that for the sake of both our futures and our future happiness that this needs to happen no matter how much it hurts right now.

So I came across someone's life to-do list on XOJane and now I'm stealing a bunch of things from other peoples' lists and adding some items of my own. So many corny clichés have been running through my head this morning so why not just fucking go with it. The only way forward is through. Amiright?

Here's my part stolen/part original list:

Stop thinking about the ending when you're still at the beginning.
Never, ever, EVER fucking give up.
Stop being so fucking scared.
Take risks.
Don't look back.
Be selfish.
Save yourself.
Do not regret.
Do not be ashamed.
Never abandon yourself.
Be patient with yourself.
Be self-sufficient.
Stop hurting yourself.
Own a pair of Frye boots. (I totally forgot about this one! Any of these will do.)
Value experiences over things.
Find happiness within yourself.
Listen to your heart.
Be able to write that without starting to sing that vomitous Roxette song.
Listen to your body.
(Do more yoga.)
Consult your head but don't always let it win.
Do not take friendships for granted, especially when they're so scarce. 

There's no fucking point to this post except to let you know that I'm terrified, scared about what I'm about to lose yet sadly hopeful about the future.