"I feel celestial."

I'm already bored with Lady Gaga. Am I alone in this Lady Gaga business? No? I didn't think so. I mean, I like what she's pretending to do but I just can't get behind it any longer. Sigh. I like Marina now.

Sooo. I've been having these panic attacks lately that are f-ing bru-tal-i-tar. Just out of nowhere I'll feel this tightness in my chest and then there's this pain and then my heart's beating much too fast and I'm hot and I need to lay down except I'll be at work or outside in public somewhere so there's really nothing I can do about it but hold on and wait for it to pass. The only answer is to get me back on meds and into therapy but I don't have insurance cos I live in the god damned USA (USA, USA, USA). And I tell you again, I'm not on SSI because we make too much money!!! And from what I've read it's hard to claim a psych disability anyway. So, as usual, I hold on and wait for it to pass.

Should I be ashamed to tell you this? Do you think I give a fuck? Straight Whiskey Tango up in here! Yet not whiskey tango enough to NOT realize these things. And not whiskey tango enough to truly NOT be ashamed that I tell you things. Or to refer to myself as AK-47. (A story for another time.)

Yesterday I was writing in my "gurnal" ("Yeah, whatever. Guess I'm not all smart like you.") and today what I wrote yesterday made me feel like a total ass. For example, I wrote: "I can't tell  how perceptive I am vs. how paranoid." Turns out I'm definitely more paranoid than perceptive. But I don't want to talk about that.

But speaking of paranoid: At Sharp Edge this evening I was followed into the ladies by a little person of the male persuasion who seemed drunk but may have been a little m/r. Not sure, but I gave him death stare that made him close the door behind him on his way out while I was locking the stall door behind me. It was surreal but then I had one of those "it would've been awesome if I had said..." moments. I could've been Chelsea Handler or Tina Fey. But alas, I remain myself.   

And it's hard to deal with anything when it's so f-ing hot and you don't have central air. I can barely function let alone do laundry or take out the trash. And there's nothing like the smell of hot trash. Mmm mmm! I just got a wiff of it in my kitchen. But you know what? Fuck it. Who cares? I'll go spend $70 online at Sephora instead of dealing with this shit. (I may also be drinking wine right now.) (But I'm also listening to the Misfits.) Eyeliner. Still your friend in this heat.

Still need a job in Philly. Hit me up. Yeah.

Working on the playlist for you guys. Allen may start a blog soon so look out for that. I'm totally behind it. You should be to. Encourage him in all things, I need him to support me.

Best Tracks of 2009: My Pop Sensibilities Abused

Weeks later I finally get back to the best of...  I actually started this on 15 December.  Enjoy. 

What have I learned after perusing countless blogs and endless Best of 2009 lists?  That I hate Animal Collective and Bat for Lashes and I kinda hate Phoenix as a whole, but I can't stop playing "Crown on the Ground" by Sleigh Bells no matter how half-assed it is (yes, it's supposed to sound like that).

Overall, 2009 was very bland.  Across the board.  La Roux and Gaga have to be the highlights.  They just are, deal with it.    

Despite protestations to the contrary in multiple reviews, most of the top 50 or top 100, etc., have no feeling, no umph, no emotion or power.  Most of the music I've sampled has left me bored and despondent.  That's actually my normal state of being so the music doubly loses.    So many singles are reportedly about heartbreak but I'm not sure either the artists or the reviewers have ever actually had their hearts broken.  (I had a ton of examples, I swear, but specifically, regarding Girls' song "Hellhole Ratrace:" That song's not about heartbreak.  Boredom, maybe, but not heartbreak.)

If you're just going to repeat the word "Rollerskate" over and over again you really don't need to make the song over six minutes long.  Yeah, I'm talking to you Matias Aguayo.  Even a 4 minute radio edit is too much...  And the surf rock nonsense has got to end!  Along with the male falsetto.  My only exception being Surfer Blood's "Swim (To Reach the End)," that one's tolerable.   

NME, Pitchfork, Spin, Fader (who, thankfully, didn't have a traditional list, but one that still features much of the same; they seem to have a huge hard-on for Girls) it's all the same shit over and over again...  And don't think that's the extent, I've plumbed so many depths it's made me dizzy.  They all had the same crap listed in their "best of's." 

I've learned that it's hard to convince anyone over 30 that The xx is "good."  I think they're "good," but doubt that they're terribly familiar with a VCR, despite what they claim. 

That being said, I've gathered my own top 38.  Yes, 38.  Top 38 tracks of 2009.  It's an even, if not quite round, number.  Too exhausted to try to add streams, use Google if you want to hear them:    

1. "Crown On The Ground" Sleigh Bells
2. "Bulletproof" La Roux
3. "Sticks 'n' Stones" Jamie T
4. "Telephone (ft. Beyonce)" Lady Gaga, eh, no, actually it's "Bad Romance"
5. "Northshore" Tegan & Sara
6. "Stone Cold Sober" Paloma Faith
7. "Psychic City" YACHT
8. "Kiss With A Fist" Florence + The Machine
9. "Treat Me Like Your Mother" The Dead Weather
10. "Don't Haunt This Place" The Rural Alberta
11. "Bonkers" Dizzee Rascal
12. "You Need Satan More Than He Needs You" Future Of The Left
13. "No Kind Words" The Maccabees
14. "Islands" The xx
15. "Dominos" The Big Pink
16. "Away With Murder" Camera Obscura
17. "If I Had a Heart" Fever Ray
18. "Nothing Ever Happened" Deerhunter
19. "Lust For Life" Girls
20. "Fixin' to Thrill" Dragonette
21. "Hard (Feat. Young Jeezy)" Rihanna
22. "Heavy Cross" Gossip 
23. "Quiet Dog" Mos Def
24. "9x's Outta 10" DJ Quik And Kurupt
25. "Rotten Mind" Jay Reatard
26. "Grocery Robots" Oswalt, Patton
27. "Not Fair" Lily Allen
28. "Burial" Miike Snow
29. "Sleepyhead" Passion Pit
30. "Idiot Heart" Sunset Rubdown
31. "One Life Stand" Hot Chip
32. "Smashed Pennies" Paul F. Tompkins
33. "Swim (To Reach the End)" Surfer Blood
34. "Fuckingsong" Jarvis Cocker
35. "Hey You Guys" Circlesquare
36. "Cousins" Vampire Weekend
37. "Heads Will Roll" Yeah Yeah Yeahs
38. "My Pumps" Erickatoure Aviance