Going Quiet

"You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled" 
-Marina & the Diamonds


Hello, everybody!


I've been quiet lately.  It's how I deal with things when they get too overwhelming (my head gets too loud?).  I "go quiet."  More quiet than normal.  I've always been quiet and always had to suffer through jokes about being so, usually from co-workers who like to turn it around on me.  Ha ha, that's so funny, your joke about how I make so much noise!  Sorry I don't want to join in on any of your mindless conversations about... Actually, I have no idea what they're talking about.  Washing machines? That's what I had to talk about with one of my co-workers this past Friday when she decided to sit down (uninvited) in my (temporary) office for a "visit."  She especially likes to make jokes about how quiet I am.    


Usually when I "go quiet" it's because I really have nothing kind or positive to say to or about anyone.  I'm probably deep in self-pity and boiling over with jealousy so it's best I stay quiet or risk making a fool out of myself by spouting my unpopular opinions and truthful observations.  [I will read you like a drag queen.  (I wish.)]    


OMG, I just had to log out of Runescape so this fool would stop following me.  I can't even interact well with others in video games.  I really don't know how you all do it, playing games with strangers.  I get too annoyed.  Hmm.  

But I'm trying to be more outwardly positive, when it comes to being an internet personality, anyway.  I find it hard to write about anything but what's going on in my head, though.  It seems like I've gotten worse since deciding to move back to Philly.  Now that it's supposed to actually happen I find myself paralyzed by doubt and fear.  Mainly I'm scared to death of trying to find a job.  And what kind of job?  Should I really try to go back to school or should I try again to find a library job?  I know I'm good at going to school, I think that's the ONLY thing I'm good at. 

What the what is going on in this picture? I love it.

I don't want to have to organize and manage and present and coerce and sell sell sell which seems to be the only job there is left in this world no matter what label it actually has.  


I've been working at the iSchool again.  The place from which I received my masters degree in delusion.  And I watch all these fools come in who are also getting degrees in delusion and then my bitterness overwhelms me and I want to burst into tears and scream at them that they are fools being sold false promises.  When in fact the majority of them will probably get offered a library job. 


See why I go quiet?    

"You're not passive aggressive, you're just aggressive."

Two things up front:
One: We STILL have not gotten our computer back.  I am unsurprised.
Two: (Teaser) Before I put my essay on my father's death together, I am trying to get copies of some photos from the "wake" where we stood in front of a church altar while waving thousands of dollars in the air.    

So I was doing some dishes last night around 10:15pm after watching the Biggest Loser finale. Which was obviously very anti-climactic, Michael won, losing like 50% of his weight. I thought he looked gay now, Allen said no, that's just Italian.  We're offensive to humans.  But I was doing dishes and I was real tired and so I started slamming things a bit as I will tend to do when I'm irritable.  When I do this I sometimes feel like it's passive aggressive, but maybe I'm wrong.  The title of this post is something Allen once said to me when I told him I feel that way.  Not because of a slamming things situation, more in relation to other people.  Anyway, doing this always causes Allen to come in and try to force me out and take over when that's not exactly what I'm looking for.  Usually, I just want to slam things.  Sometimes I do it without even realizing it.  So he tried to take over and I said, no, you can't, these dishes are too dirty for you to handle (he can be a half-assed dishwasher).  I think that's where it crosses into aggressive.

I tend to offend people.  A lot.  Without even realizing it or meaning to.  Well, sometimes I mean to, sometimes I just like being mean-spirited.  I find the reactions amusing.  I suppose it springs from something I was once diagnosed with, that goes hand in hand with my major psych diagnosis of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) which is dissociative disorder (this site had a pretty good basic explanation, I think I have all four of those, especially Dissociative amnesia.  Regardless, I've definitely experienced all of them).  But I'm not one to try and fall back on my illness just because it's convenient.  Am I?  I could be delusional about that.  I can be delusional about things, too.  And paranoid.

Like last night, Allen and I went out for a 3-4 mile walk.  I finally made myself go back out, getting too lazy.  It's taken me like, 4 months to lose 10lbs., I don't want to gain it back now. *Sigh*  There's this house not far from us, we call it the Dragon House and it's a really awesome looking house.  It's approximately 5403-5405 Hobart St., Pittsburgh, PA 15217, if you want to Google Maps it, Street View.  I get angry when we walk by it because I'm so jealous and say things like"it's a shame about your house.  That it's so awesome."  So last night Allen goes, "you know, they don't live there to spite you."  And I go, "yes, they do."  "Why can't you just be happy for them that they have an awesome house?"  "Because I don't [have one]."

It's getting hard to write these posts at work.  I can't concentrate on it for long enough, there are too many interruptions.

Where I was actually planning to go with this was that I was thinking while I was doing dishes last night about what I do wrong in relationships.  Okay, I'm about to get real... I've been talking to someone on the FB, a lady and fellow "blogger," (how obvious am I?) and it seems like we have a lot in common and could be actual friends and so, realizing this, what am I doing?  Freaking the fuck out!!!  Trying to pull away from it already.  I said to Allen, "what if she wants to meet me?"  I mean we've kinda met before but...  Like, what if she wants to hang out and I can't do it?  I can't be alone with strangers.  Especially women strangers.  I have PTSD about being with women, not "being with" but being friends with and being alone with them because of some bullshit that happened in middle school. I'm seriously almost hyper-ventilating right now just thinking about it.  Tears welling up.  Hate hate hate this. 

Wow.  Okay.  I'm going to stop there.  Blog does not equal therapist.  Okay.  Sorry.  I shall leave the record as is stands despite feeling slightly uncomfortable with this.  I definitely welcome feedback on this post though. Maybe that will help.  Though nothing has really helped what I just told you and it's been 20 years.  Jesus, this didn't go where I had planned.