Hey Boy

"Gender is futile"  -AMH III

So. This has been in my head a lot lately:

I don't know why. It's just there. Probably because I feel like I've been fucking up a lot lately. Like a boy. And I'm emotionally like a boy. My head is like a boy. Without getting into too much detail... let's just say that I'm more a boy. In some situations.

I wrote that last night when I was a little drunk. I realize now that this is not going to make any sense since I don't really relate to this (or any) Beyoncé song. It's not about the song. Though it is true that that song is in my head a lot, it comes up on my iPod a lot. And it is true that I think I behave more like a man in some situations than a woman. I'm talking about stereotypes, obviously.

...

I can't recapture what I was thinking last night.

I can tell you that around 2am, while watching The Lost Boys in bed, I suddenly decided I wanted a pickle. But I wanted more than just a pickle. I wanted a pickle wrapped in ham. So that's what I got. I wrapped a pickle in ham and ate it in bed. While watching The Lost Boys.

So anyway, I've always hated gender stereotypes being applied to me but I'm more than happy to apply them to others. Girls, specifically. Because girls are stupid and mean and constantly judging you and absolutely-under-no-circumstances are they to be trusted. Am I right? Yes, that was a joke. Sort of. I've always hated it when groups break up into boys and girls, I think I hate sex segregation even more than I hate gender stereotypes. I freak the fuck out when I'm left alone with women. All though I'm getting better at dealing with this, I still feel more comfortable around guys.

I think I'm getting worse at writing. I don't really do much of it anymore. I don't really do much of anything anymore except look at porn and pictures of dead bodies on Tumblr. It's gotten to the point where it's almost like I don't even see it anymore, I certainly don't feel anything when I do. Totally desensitized. But what I was saying, about writing:

I pulled the tub that has all my old gurnels up two flights of stairs the other day, after falling on my ass while trying to lift it, because I was looking for copies of this zine I did back in 2000-2001. There were only three issues before I lost interest. Of course. They should make losing interest in things an occupation, I would be sooo good at that. Like, here, be intensely interested in this thing for a couple months and then you can move onto something else. It was called, unsurprisingly, Ghola. And they are terrible! The writing is atrocious. Worse than this blog, if you can believe that. The sad thing is that it's that way on purpose. I write like an idiot on purpose. Because I think it's cool.      

All right, I should get to work. If you read all of this guess what? I think you're cool.

Fok Julle Naaiers

Monday: I feel like I need to write but I don't know what about. This is how I start. If I start from "I don't know" I can usually find a destination. I'm tired. I'm always tired. I will sleep 14 hours in a row if given the opportunity. And still be tired. It's my rock-n-roll lifestyle. Guh.

There's a tree in my living room. A god damn christmas tree. If I weren't so lazy I'd show you a picture of it. It's white. Sunday. I made a pot roast. POT ROAST. Goat cheese & sage mashed potatoes. And polenta. Allen made cookies.

I think we're going Kindle for xmas. Why not? Maybe it's the tv commercials that are pushing us that direction. Whatever, white people.

I've got stuff to think about. A lot of stuff. I tend not to think about anything and that could be dangerous for my future health. I already have a bad memory. Alzheimer's, here I come! The problem is, the stuff I need to think about isn't stuff I can write about here. It's "personal", it's "private". But it's the usual stuff: life, love, friendship.

I spend a shitastic amount of time on Tumblr these days, dodging the porn tumblrs I follow (ack! giant cock! ack! women showing off their assholes!), looking for images that inspire me. Maybe it's helping me develop... something. Interest in things? An artistic vision? No. It's mostly reminding me of what it felt like to be a teenager. But they are strangely fond feelings. Maybe because it was the last time I had my own personality. Or something.

I do love being overly dramatic.

Tuesday: Still tired. Twitter's giving me the whale and I've got something VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY!

Ok. I seem to have drowned myself in some gross Michael Kors parfum this morning. Free samps - you never know what you'll get.

This song is taking over my life! And the funny thing is, I find it kind of offensive (really, dropping "faggot" and repeating "I'll fuck you til you love me?" C'mon!) but I can't stop listening to it!


FOK JULLE NAAIERS from Die Antwoord on Vimeo.

Ohmygod! I was just making coffee in el jefe's office and nearly broke all the cups! That would have seriously made me feel like an asshole! Nothing broke. I may have chipped one of the cups, though. Shhh! Don't tell!

Folks are already posting their top 10 songs of 2011 on this blog. It was started at the end of last year by Justin so some sweet dudes could share some sweet music. I'm not even sure I've listened to anything new this year. I've totally fallen off when it comes to music. I think the "old" is setting in! Except for that monstrous song above... Naw, I've got something, enough to come up with 10 songs, anyway, but I think it may be a lot different than last year's mix. 

I've got some tumblring to catch up on!

Always with the Tumblr!

I'm spending the morning following and reblogging 20 year-olds on Tumblr. Love it. I wish Tumblr had been around when I was 13 - 22. I guess it's fine since I still feel/act like I'm somewhere in that age category. Can you say emotionally stunted?

I still need to finish watching Paranormal Activity part deuce which I started watching yesterday but unfortunately I have to go out to lunch with my co-workers because one of them is having a 60th birthday. I can barely contain my joy. Two to three hours of hell awaits! (I love everyone.)

There's a baby in this one.

And it's not like I was asked if I wanted to go to this lunch, it was just like, "this is what we're doing" and how the hell do you get out of that? And of course I wouldn't do it if given a choice. Oh, and here's my favorite sentence from a review of the place we'll be eating at shortly: "The interior is as uninspired as the decor: imagine gynecological office with doilies." Yay! And clearly a man wrote that, "gynecological office"?

Ugh. Getting back into this is harder than I thought it would be... I made beef stew Sunday. With actual beef in it, first time ever. Needs more salt.

Ohmahgod. Students in teh hallway are talking about having an ugly sweater holiday party. What has the world come to? When that is an actual thing now that people actually do? Fie.

I am going through something rough, which I hinted at in the last post, which is kinda shutting me down and sending me into some weird survival, fight-or-flight, head space. Never get out of the boat, that's all I'm saying. Allen wants me to talk about it but I can't, I'm too distraught and ashamed. "You've been acting like this for days," he said last night. Oh, well. I've just got a lot on my mind. And the cramps aren't helping.

I should get back to tumblring...

Zaftig, Madame?

Trying to delete my facebook account. Not sure it's going to work. And if it does, not sure if anyone will notice. Who cares? If my mulitude of blogs are still in any way attached to fb I wonder if it will void the delete request? I don't understand why they make you go through a waiting period. And yes, this is to delete, not just deactivate. I don't like the pressure of fb and the way it makes me feel like an "unpopular" middle school student. I know that's stupid but I can't divorce those feelings from my experience of it. It just feels gross.  

I am having the worst time accepting what I've done to my body. It's like I have reverse anorexia. You know how anorexics are supposed to see themselves as fatter than they are? Well, I see myself as smaller than I am. Then I end up seeing a photo of myself taken by someone who didn't take into consideration angles or alerting fatty that she was about to have her picture taken, etc. It's not their fault, they didn't realize, it just made me miserable all day on Sunday and I still haven't completely recovered.

I can not just accept it and be all "fat power" or whatever. I'm not that type of person. It's awful and it's miserable being fat. I don't care what anyone says. This has been on my mind for a while now and I've found some serious encouragement from all the ladies (and some dudes) on Tumblr who are losing weight and writing about how difficult it is but also how positive. I don't know what it's actually going to take to make me do this thing but I'm trying again. I don't want to be super skinny, I don't even think that's possible for my body, I just don't want to be so lumpy. And I know I have to make peace with where I'm at if I actually want this to work... I've gotta figure this out. And stop eating around 2000 calories a day. Jeez.  I started C25K again, and successfully completed all of day two, so that's a very positive sign. It's the eating/drinking that I can't get a handle on.

So I'm currently trying to manage this blog and two Tumblr blogs. I don't know why. I'm not that popular (see above). I'm tired and I've been feeling very uncreative lately so none of these blogs are doing terribly well. I need to just take some time to do nothing and think about nothing but it's not happening. Like at work, I spend my whole day trying to find things to do online rather than work. Instead of desperately searching for new things (there are only about 3 new things a day on the internet) I should try sitting silently for a few minutes to focus myself.

Well, that's about all I have for now. This may be the beginning of the end of this blog since I think the few people who read it usually do so from the fb links (Allen's particularly; don't get me started, I know I have cooties, but come on!). It is still possible to follow me if you want to and it's still free as far as I know. RSS, bookmarks, actually follow and get your picture on the blog...

Unpopular girls everywhere would appreciate it. 

"Tiered Internet," indeed.

Taken from Fuck This Depression Blog

I want to share all these amazing things this girl has on her blog because they're also about me and maybe you.

Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something, I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing.   -Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel

                                

This was your life.

This weekend: Jeremy's bd party at MoFo, hiking at McConnells Mill (which I cannot find a standard spelling for) followed by dinner at North Country Brewing.  Sunday, as usual, was a bummer.  I HATE Sunday's, they make me feel all icky inside and grumpy outside.  Went to Target and Giant Eagle for groceries.  Found a cute skirt at Target, though.

I find that I am simultaneously getting used to the heat and getting fed up with it.   

Yesterday was Day 1 of not drinking.  Again.  My record, recently, has been 7 days.  This has got to stop.  Looks like, at age 33, I'm about to become straight edge for the first time in my life.  I think I'm going to start telling people that that's what I am just to be a smart ass.  I just really don't want to be "belligerent" any more.  I don't really want to quit drinking either, I'm just not good at it.  Or maybe it's that I'm too good.  I'm turning in to such a quitter.  First smoking, then meat, now drinking, I try not to eat things with high fructose corn syrup.  Things get weird as you get older. And I'd like to see if not drinking will make me less... zaftig.  If I may consider myself as such.


I'm reading about Tumblr right now and trying to... oh, there, I've signed up.  Hmm.  I don't know if I can be so specific that it would warrant a Tumblr, maybe I could fit in under the category "Personalities?"  Hmm.  I just found someone's blog that's right up my alley: http://fuckthisdepression.tumblr.com/.  It's where I just stole this from (but she took it from someone else first): 

So I guess I'm already thinking about abandoning blogger.  I'd like to see if Tumblr's more user-friendly, I think it might be.  At least for photos.  And I wonder if the font and size will stay uniform throughout an entire post...  And if it will add extra spacing between paragraphs that i don't request or want... I'm also wondering if Tumblr's just a bunch of teenagers.  I think it might be that as well.  Maybe not.  Holy crap, there's a bunch of cool stuff over here!  And lots of cursing!  Heart heart heart!!!

I'll let you know what I decide about this.  Still have a playlist/mixtape for you, mixtape is easier for you to download, playlist allows you to take/keep what you want.

Thinking about sea creatures.  Real ones.