Going Quiet

"You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled" 
-Marina & the Diamonds


Hello, everybody!


I've been quiet lately.  It's how I deal with things when they get too overwhelming (my head gets too loud?).  I "go quiet."  More quiet than normal.  I've always been quiet and always had to suffer through jokes about being so, usually from co-workers who like to turn it around on me.  Ha ha, that's so funny, your joke about how I make so much noise!  Sorry I don't want to join in on any of your mindless conversations about... Actually, I have no idea what they're talking about.  Washing machines? That's what I had to talk about with one of my co-workers this past Friday when she decided to sit down (uninvited) in my (temporary) office for a "visit."  She especially likes to make jokes about how quiet I am.    


Usually when I "go quiet" it's because I really have nothing kind or positive to say to or about anyone.  I'm probably deep in self-pity and boiling over with jealousy so it's best I stay quiet or risk making a fool out of myself by spouting my unpopular opinions and truthful observations.  [I will read you like a drag queen.  (I wish.)]    


OMG, I just had to log out of Runescape so this fool would stop following me.  I can't even interact well with others in video games.  I really don't know how you all do it, playing games with strangers.  I get too annoyed.  Hmm.  

But I'm trying to be more outwardly positive, when it comes to being an internet personality, anyway.  I find it hard to write about anything but what's going on in my head, though.  It seems like I've gotten worse since deciding to move back to Philly.  Now that it's supposed to actually happen I find myself paralyzed by doubt and fear.  Mainly I'm scared to death of trying to find a job.  And what kind of job?  Should I really try to go back to school or should I try again to find a library job?  I know I'm good at going to school, I think that's the ONLY thing I'm good at. 

What the what is going on in this picture? I love it.

I don't want to have to organize and manage and present and coerce and sell sell sell which seems to be the only job there is left in this world no matter what label it actually has.  


I've been working at the iSchool again.  The place from which I received my masters degree in delusion.  And I watch all these fools come in who are also getting degrees in delusion and then my bitterness overwhelms me and I want to burst into tears and scream at them that they are fools being sold false promises.  When in fact the majority of them will probably get offered a library job. 


See why I go quiet?