Changes: That Shit Cray

At about 3pm yesterday (Sunday) I smoked my *last* cigarette. Around 8pm today (Monday) I smoked what I guess was my *first* cigarette. The internal debate went on for hours and involved a lot of bargaining. With myself. I will not regret my decision. Allen has control of them now. This will end in tears. As it began. I cried, no, I sobbed, for almost a solid two hours, mourning my cigarettes as though my best friend in the world had just died. I also realized I was feeling homesick for the old apartment. "I want to go home!" I wailed. This has been a common exclamation throughout my life. I'm always looking to go "home", wherever that is. But I'm sure it exists somewhere and I will know it when I get there.

I wish I had the same interest in keeping up with this blog as I used to have. I just. Do. Not.

It's 8:40pm. I already want to smoke again.

I am too hard on myself. People actually say this to me. If I was so hard on myself I wouldn't be slowly destroying myself. I'd be cutting this shit out. If I actually believed in self-preservation as much as I think I do I wouldn't be drinking and smoking and sedentary-ing myself straight to dementia and death. I am a curious mix of my mother and father. Or listening to fucking Pitchfork's Top 100 Adult Contemporary Hits of 2011.

But do you want to know the main reason I'm trying to quit smoking -- right now, that is -- ??? Because I'm going to New York this weekend and I'm afraid I won't be able to smoke in Mayor Micro-manager's town. Swear to Jesus that's what's been going on in my head about this. A friend of mine is presenting at HOPE Number Nine. And I'm going because I want to stick out like a sore thumb or something.

Fuck. What have I done? I'm still exhausted from Sob-Fest 2012. I have no concentration, not enough time in the day for the things I want to do.

I have 4 projects I need to work on but have only ever so slightly started working on two of them. And so it goes.

There is just something in my head that blocks me. I already felt better (physically) after 26 hours of not smoking. I feel better, good, even, during the day when I haven't drank the night before. But something in me tells me that I don't deserve that feeling. I'd rather be fuzzy and cloudy and sluggish, just unclear, rather than feel "good". There's a lot of "I don't deserve _________" that goes on in my head.

Fucking therapy. It's wrecking me. I'm waiting until tomorrow to call my therapist to tell her I can't make my Thursday appointment in hopes that she won't be able to fit me in on Wednesday. Last week was brutal. I just... I don't even remember what exactly she asked me that made me start crying but it happened. And I was like, "I don't even have a reason to be crying right now." And she goes, "Obviously you do." Which of course made it worse. And she keeps asking about my parents like I don't tell her the same thing every god damn week. Does she not remember or is she fucking with me? Cos she remembers other things.

No, it wasn't my father. It was my mother. It was always my mother. And my sisters. They gave me these labels. The men in my family always loved me. This is complicated. It explains everything. It really does.

Yet she's strangely been affecting my self-esteem. By telling me that my drinking (her main focus) is greatly reducing my self-esteem she's somehow increasing it. I don't know. She's crafty.

This one's dedicated to Schulze. Damn her.

Thanksgiving Edition

Tomorrow (today) = 1 YEAR since I quit smoking. Srsly, not one cigarette in 1 yr.

Tuesday B4 Thanksgiving.  There's something about this holiday that makes me want to be drunk 24/7.  (Can I say that?)

Trying to come up with a new blog post but can't figure it.  Want to write about my Kanye affinity but can't find the words for it.

Ever get the feeling you're being watched?  Then wonder why you aren't getting notes?

Had this thought earlier: Secularity = lack of perversion... making usual perversions completely uninteresting and...boring.  But it could just be me b/c I was mocked earlier this evening (paraphrasing): "Nothing's interesting to you, is it?"

No.  I can pretty much imagine it all and then normalize it.  I've had that much psychotherapy in my lifetime.

Went to the library on my lunch break today.  Got two books.  Female Chauvinist Pigs and The Dirt on Clean.

Had to explain to a 75 (?) y.o. man what "LOL!" meant today.

Had a convo yesterday with a close to 75 y.o. about addiction vs. dependency.  Heroin is the only addiction, all others are "dependencies" according to JM.  I inquired about alcohol and he told me how he used to drink a bottle of alcohol a day but he liked to mix it with things like "crystal light."  I wanted to shout "get out of my mind!" but I didn't.  He kept saying that we will go to lunch together next week but we'll see.  I think we have a lot in common.

"You'll be my Frieda Kahlo - I'll be Diego Rivera."

Tell you a secret: I didn't like my Four Loko post.  I thought it could be infinitely better.
Another secret: I've been trying to figure out how to surreptitiously drink Four Loko all day on Thursday.

I also thought it would be funny to tell Hedges that I wanted to buy him a pillow for xmas. A pillow that you can plug your iPod into.  WTF?

Irony.  It's also for me.  As opposed to saying, "It's not just for hipsters anymore."
"Hipsters."  So post.

More excited about hanging out in a Best Western "up the street" from Cecil (Community) College than seeing family.  That's another secret.

It used to be CCC (Cecil Community College).  That's where I got a "D" in "college" level Chemistry when I was in 12th grade.  BTW: in my world everyone is so "post-smart" that they make fun of high schoolers taking "college" level classes.  Then I got in trouble and had to spend half the school day in "study hall."  I don't remember what I got in trouble for, I was just a troubled kid.  Did I tell you about the drug sniffing dogs and the Cavalier?

OMG!  As a "punishment" I had to do nothing for half a day in "study halls" instead of taking "college" courses at the community college!!!  Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?  Do you?  Because I couldn't muster the energy to "care" about high school I was kicked out of "college."  Think about it, Thanksgiving, think about it.

Actually I think it was because I was failing Physics and Trig in high school that I was kicked out of CCC; that and because I preferred to go to Taco Bell in Elkton for lunch with my skater friends...