I've also had terrible PMS (oh that shit's REAL) for the past couple of days and drank enough whiskey on Sunday night to make myself cry about something that shouldn't have made me cry. Also, I had trouble falling asleep Tuesday night because I was feeling so jealous of people I know and like. It's been a rough and ugly week.
Yesterday my "What's wrong with you?" was directed at weird, dismissive, passive aggressive internet comments and text messages. You know, those "whatevers" or "so whats" or even worse, "deal with its." WHAT THE FUCK? Which makes my reactionary self say, okay, if that's how we're gonna play this thing then let's do it. I can burn a goddam bridge and not look back. Believe that.
But now I'm going to sound passive aggressive because I can't really talk about it because of other circumstances. Let me just say that I'm trying not to apply labels to what's going on; outside of my head, anyway.
I don't know what it is about me that encourages these kinds of responses from people. Could it be my own dismissive nature? Oh, could it be? (Sarcasm.) But I have a low tolerance for, and very high expectations of, humans. You know what, maybe it is my dismissiveness a lot of the time but that's not it entirely.
And I'm wrong a lot, I can admit that. (I really was convinced that Sonic Youth song wasn't Sonic Youth.) I'm usually not wrong about people, though. And there ARE a lot (well, maybe not A LOT) of people I like and would like to hang out with, but...
What it all boils down to is that I don't trust you. This statement is not directed at any one person in particular but for all humans. I don't trust you and I will never allow myself to get too close to you. Because sooner or later, you are going to hurt me or betray me or tell lies about me. Because that's what humans do. Humans are shit, and to quote Michel Houellebecq, "I derive only the feeblest sense of solidarity with the rest of the human species." And to quote someone closer to me than Houellebecq, "Yes, I do think I'm better than you."
DEAL WITH IT (ha, ha). Or not, your choice.
"I'd prefer not to" and "I want to be alone"
That brings me to my final comments which are about being alone, being lonely and making a choice, consciously or not, to NOT have friends. The not having friends thing is mostly because of what I was saying in the previous paragraph: I don't trust you. Even though you may not be one of the people who have hurt me, I don't trust you. (You might be one of the people who have, who knows?) Also, I just usually prefer to be alone. Life is less annoying that way. I don't have to do things for or with you. I don't have to "lend a hand," unless I want to. I don't feel obliged to attend any events I don't want to attend. I have cultivated this Aloneness and made it into my own personal art form. I am independent, for the most part, of complicated relationships.
Which is not always a benefit. When I am lonely for companionship I have no where to turn. I don't get to do FUN things for or with you. When I want people to read my blog or listen to something I made or need an audience for some other reason, I'm up a fucking creek. "Good luck, asshole," I say to myself. "Nobody gives a shit about you because you decided to tell them all that you hate them." Then I wallow in self-pity about a situation of my own making until I shrug it off and return to my normal cold and monstrous personality...
And sometimes people say things like this to me: "I have to go downstairs for a while then I will be back, hopefully to never leave you again." But he only says that because he doesn't know me very well.
I am painfully self-aware.
powerful stuff lady
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