Thanksgiving Edition

Tomorrow (today) = 1 YEAR since I quit smoking. Srsly, not one cigarette in 1 yr.

Tuesday B4 Thanksgiving.  There's something about this holiday that makes me want to be drunk 24/7.  (Can I say that?)

Trying to come up with a new blog post but can't figure it.  Want to write about my Kanye affinity but can't find the words for it.

Ever get the feeling you're being watched?  Then wonder why you aren't getting notes?

Had this thought earlier: Secularity = lack of perversion... making usual perversions completely uninteresting and...boring.  But it could just be me b/c I was mocked earlier this evening (paraphrasing): "Nothing's interesting to you, is it?"

No.  I can pretty much imagine it all and then normalize it.  I've had that much psychotherapy in my lifetime.

Went to the library on my lunch break today.  Got two books.  Female Chauvinist Pigs and The Dirt on Clean.

Had to explain to a 75 (?) y.o. man what "LOL!" meant today.

Had a convo yesterday with a close to 75 y.o. about addiction vs. dependency.  Heroin is the only addiction, all others are "dependencies" according to JM.  I inquired about alcohol and he told me how he used to drink a bottle of alcohol a day but he liked to mix it with things like "crystal light."  I wanted to shout "get out of my mind!" but I didn't.  He kept saying that we will go to lunch together next week but we'll see.  I think we have a lot in common.

"You'll be my Frieda Kahlo - I'll be Diego Rivera."

Tell you a secret: I didn't like my Four Loko post.  I thought it could be infinitely better.
Another secret: I've been trying to figure out how to surreptitiously drink Four Loko all day on Thursday.

I also thought it would be funny to tell Hedges that I wanted to buy him a pillow for xmas. A pillow that you can plug your iPod into.  WTF?

Irony.  It's also for me.  As opposed to saying, "It's not just for hipsters anymore."
"Hipsters."  So post.

More excited about hanging out in a Best Western "up the street" from Cecil (Community) College than seeing family.  That's another secret.

It used to be CCC (Cecil Community College).  That's where I got a "D" in "college" level Chemistry when I was in 12th grade.  BTW: in my world everyone is so "post-smart" that they make fun of high schoolers taking "college" level classes.  Then I got in trouble and had to spend half the school day in "study hall."  I don't remember what I got in trouble for, I was just a troubled kid.  Did I tell you about the drug sniffing dogs and the Cavalier?

OMG!  As a "punishment" I had to do nothing for half a day in "study halls" instead of taking "college" courses at the community college!!!  Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?  Do you?  Because I couldn't muster the energy to "care" about high school I was kicked out of "college."  Think about it, Thanksgiving, think about it.

Actually I think it was because I was failing Physics and Trig in high school that I was kicked out of CCC; that and because I preferred to go to Taco Bell in Elkton for lunch with my skater friends...

FOUR LOKO

Everybody's doing it so last night after consuming 3 Gulden Draaks at happy hour, I got it into my head that it was time to try Four Loko. This is what happened.

We left the bar and stopped by Brian and Cooper's to pick up some more libations and there it was, in six different flavors! SIX! And lovingly labeled on the door, "Four Luko $3.99." I found the typo so endearing for some reason. Because I was drunk, I guess. I was gasping excitedly at everything. It was still a good drunk at this point. (Just for the record, I would like to point out that our drinking companion, Mr. Hedges, in honor of the Loko, purchased his own can of Sparks.) I went with the UVA flavor (which is grape) and giddily purchased it from the unamused man behind the register.

We dropped Mr. Hedges off and I realized I couldn't bear to take this gorgeous can of goodness back to our lonely apartment, I needed people to see that I was actually going to drink this. We were in the neighborhood so I grabbed my phone and called Mike. Obviously I was already drunk because I CALLED someone. On the PHONE. I don't call people. Ever. I hate it. He was home so we stopped in and I ceremoniously opened the can. I meant to get pictures and then I got it into my head (because Allen said it) that I should be making a podcast about the experience but none of that happened. I did take notes, longhand:  

I can make sense of all of it until the last two lines, it looks like "(something) Punk comes on the TV and (something something)." These pages mostly contain what I just wrote about up top and apparently some quotes from the conversation that was going on in the room and notes about what was happening on the TV. I commented about drinking Four Loko from a glass makes it taste better, this is a fact. It does indeed "open it up." It tasted like the gel fluoride treatments they used to give kids at the dentist. A quarter of the way in and I was already feeling quite ill. At about the halfway point I was totally gone:

I think it says: I had 3 regular drunks then I had later a four loko.
Oh my god it's fucking awful
(illegible)
She's not gonna understand my sunglasses
Are you wearing gloves?
"It's cold out."
"I should've b(illegible), of the half."
Tell me about things that occurred in history
I don't know any history
Oh it's (illegible - could be November, not her, never her?).
Now this is not good.
I'm going to throw up.
Making that frowning question-mark face apes make.
Aw. This sucks.
Is really awful.
(Illegible) do you (illegible)!
(Illegible) not working

A couple things that I find intriguing here: 1) The comment "She's not gonna understand my sunglasses." There were no other women at the house so I don't know who I thought I was talking about. I did put sunglasses on before I went inside because I was already drunk so, really, I don't understand the sunglasses. Maybe I was referring to myself? 2) I don't recall that anyone was wearing gloves, so, hence the question I guess, and I don't know why I answered the question in quotation marks. Maybe someone was wearing gloves?

I just realized that the history thing was because Allen asked me to talk about history a la Drunk History from Funny or Die. I also just realized that I don't know if I wrote this page while I was still at Mike & Brad's or if I wrote it when I got home. I remember my notebook falling on the floor and Allen asking me if I wanted it shortly before I passed out. Cos that's how this ends, I passed out on the couch. I remember saying that he could leave it on the floor. No, I wrote this before I got home because I remember when it started to go downhill over there, I started to get quiet and then I remember I was making the ape face I commented about.  When I get REAL drunk, like, going to throw up drunk, I get real quiet beforehand, like I'm concentrating on not vom-ing. Which is what I was doing. Shortly after I stopped writing I remember getting up from the couch and saying "let's go" or something to Allen. I still had half a Four Loko left in the can. Sad.

But I didn't throw up. Almost threw up this morning while I was sitting in a room full of strangers doing training for something at work. But I didn't throw up.

Check out these links for more interesting Four Loko stories. I especially enjoyed the live blog Jason Chen wrote for Gizmodo yesterday.
A short piece by Frank Bruni in the NYTs.
The vomit video, sans vomit, of Felix Ortiz. He did 2.5 cans in ONE hour. Gross.

What is Wrong with You? A Glimpse Inside My "Controversial" Mind

"What is wrong with you?" has been my most commonly used phrase recently. Within the past week I've said it to my husband, to my cats, I think it at nearly everyone I know and everyone who crosses my path (especially when they are running red lights).  But seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? How can you be doing and saying such stupid things and still be allowed to live? (Short answer: Because you are animals and there is no rational order to this world.)

I've also had terrible PMS (oh that shit's REAL) for the past couple of days and drank enough whiskey on Sunday night to make myself cry about something that shouldn't have made me cry. Also, I had trouble falling asleep Tuesday night because I was feeling so jealous of people I know and like. It's been a rough and ugly week.

Yesterday my "What's wrong with you?" was directed at weird, dismissive, passive aggressive internet comments and text messages. You know, those "whatevers" or "so whats" or even worse, "deal with its." WHAT THE FUCK?  Which makes my reactionary self say, okay, if that's how we're gonna play this thing then let's do it. I can burn a goddam bridge and not look back. Believe that.

But now I'm going to sound passive aggressive because I can't really talk about it because of other circumstances. Let me just say that I'm trying not to apply labels to what's going on; outside of my head, anyway.

I don't know what it is about me that encourages these kinds of responses from people. Could it be my own dismissive nature? Oh, could it be? (Sarcasm.) But I have a low tolerance for, and very high expectations of, humans. You know what, maybe it is my dismissiveness a lot of the time but that's not it entirely.

And I'm wrong a lot, I can admit that. (I really was convinced that Sonic Youth song wasn't Sonic Youth.) I'm usually not wrong about people, though. And there ARE a lot (well, maybe not A LOT) of people I like and would like to hang out with, but...

What it all boils down to is that I don't trust you. This statement is not directed at any one person in particular but for all humans. I don't trust you and I will never allow myself to get too close to you. Because sooner or later, you are going to hurt me or betray me or tell lies about me. Because that's what humans do. Humans are shit, and to quote Michel Houellebecq, "I derive only the feeblest sense of solidarity with the rest of the human species." And to quote someone closer to me than Houellebecq, "Yes, I do think I'm better than you."

DEAL WITH IT (ha, ha). Or not, your choice.

"I'd prefer not to" and "I want to be alone"

That brings me to my final comments which are about being alone, being lonely and making a choice, consciously or not, to NOT have friends. The not having friends thing is mostly because of what I was saying in the previous paragraph: I don't trust you. Even though you may not be one of the people who have hurt me, I don't trust you. (You might be one of the people who have, who knows?) Also, I just usually prefer to be alone. Life is less annoying that way. I don't have to do things for or with you. I don't have to "lend a hand," unless I want to. I don't feel obliged to attend any events I don't want to attend. I have cultivated this Aloneness and made it into my own personal art form. I am independent, for the most part, of complicated relationships. 

Which is not always a benefit. When I am lonely for companionship I have no where to turn. I don't get to do FUN things for or with you. When I want people to read my blog or listen to something I made or need an audience for some other reason, I'm up a fucking creek. "Good luck, asshole," I say to myself. "Nobody gives a shit about you because you decided to tell them all that you hate them." Then I wallow in self-pity about a situation of my own making until I shrug it off and return to my normal cold and monstrous personality... 

And sometimes people say things like this to me: "I have to go downstairs for a while then I will be back, hopefully to never leave you again." But he only says that because he doesn't know me very well.

I am painfully self-aware.    

"Eurocastle Peanutter Thinks We Should Just Be Friends"

Everyone I listen to keeps putting out mixes with the songs I put on my "mix" that I made for the blog weeks ago so I gotta get this thing posted!

I also gotta start making my own stuff.  

No whammies.  If you want this or a track listing let me know and I'll provide.

I call it "Eurocastle Peanutter Thinks We Should Just Be Friends." 

 BloogMix2

BTW, here's that Kierkegaard quote I mentioned last post:

Faith is precisely the paradox that the single individual as the single individual is higher than the universal, is justified before it, not as inferior to it but as superior -- yet in such a way, please note, that it is the single individual who, after being subordinate as the single individual to the universal, now by means of the universal becomes the single individual who as the single individual is superior, that the single individual as the single individual stands in absolute relation to the absolute.

He follows with, "This position cannot be mediated..."  Obviously. I am not making this up. Verbatim. No homo. 

Todays Word is "Butt"

Today I have "butt" songs on the brain. You're welcome. In other news, is anyone out there a (free) doctor? This thing on my finger is not getting better or going away. We're back to the bit where it likes to just start bleeding whenever it feels like it. Also, my existentialism research is progressing slowly. The source material is giving me flashbacks of a required college course I had to take (redundant) called "Intellectual Heritage" and the writing is just impossible. I don't have it in front of me and can't find it online but remind me to share with you the sentence Kierkegaard wrote about the individual and the universal. It will hurt your head. And then it turned out he was just rambling about Abraham from the bible and my eyes glazed over. I watched a BBC documentary on Heidegger but it was less about his philosophy and moremoremore about how he was a Nazi. BOR-RING!

In internet news, there's this video of the Don Draper character from Mad Men saying "what?" a lot. I guess it was on the special features of the DVDs or something. Now people are mixing that video with other videos as internet people are wont to do.

Here's my favorite so far of the Don Draper says "what?" videos:



Doin' da butt!



MST3K doin' da butt (check it out at 1:50 - or just watch the whole "Yipes Stripes" bit, it's pretty good) :



TTYL! Happy Hump Day!

In Between Days

I swear I am working on 3 or 4 other blog posts, I'm just not making much headway with them. In the meantime, here's a bit of a throwaway.

My toenails came off. Well, part of my toenails on my big toes. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be, it's nothing really. THAT THING on my finger is still there. I was bleeding it for a few days but when I stopped and thought it was all done it still didn't go away. No. Instead it got sore and filled up with blood again. This time I'm leaving it alone. Although I've been thinking of cauterizing it, putting a hot something (paper clip?) on it and trying to destroy it that way. Haven't yet and it seems smaller today so we'll see...

In other gross news there was a pimple on my tummy. I RARELY get pimples anywhere except on my face but recently one appeared on my tummy and it had a head on it so I popped it. One, two weeks later and it's STILL THERE! And it hurts and looks more like a boil now. I mean a "fur uncle." That photo (which I had to remove cos it gets more hits than anything else on this blog) is not of mine but it's eerily similar. I also recently had impetigo on my chin. I won't tell you what I told Allen I thought THAT was from! I am a walking gross factory. I'm blaming it on my imaginary "sugar 'betes."

Thanksgiving's just around the corner and with that comes the usual anxiety about travelling east to see family. It's not the seeing them that causes the anxiety (not my family anyway - Allen's is another story) but the actual travel and sleeping arrangements. Our car is fine for driving around town but I don't trust it much on the highway even though it's never let us down. I would like to get a rental but neither of us has a credit card so that's out. I guess we'll make the trip in the White Knight of Texas again and hope for the best. Also thinking about looking into a hotel/motel room but I can't think of where that would be, North East? Jesus. That's a weird thing to think about (if you're familiar with Cecil County.)

I signed up for a SoundCloud account last night re: "my music career." I haven't put anything up yet because I don't really mix anything, just make playlists so I don't know if it's even appropriate to post such things on there. What I want is one of these things (I would insert an arrow but I can't figure out how to do that on a PC) Look! That picture there! :

Not that I know how to work them or even what they're called, some sort of sampling thing and maybe a mixer of some sort but I don't want to deal in vinyl at all.

I've been "studying" existentialism as of a few days ago and somehow that's related to me going back and looking through old journals to try and decide if I have changed much over the past 15 years. So I pulled out stuff from 1995, 2000 and 2005. Turns out I haven't really changed much with regards to what I write in my "gurnal." A bunch of sad whining about how much of a loner I am and how no one understands me. (Most of the time that's what's in there.) It all began when Allen suggested that Existentialists are just people who never progressed beyond the ennui of teenage-hood. I'm not sure but he may be on to something. I'm trying to prove that Existentialism is more than just stunted emotional/psychological growth which is what I took from his explanation. I was wondering if this lack of change points to a concrete personality or the above mentioned emotional/psychological retardation. I shall keep you abreast of my discoveries.