Trying to delete my facebook account. Not sure it's going to work. And if it does, not sure if anyone will notice. Who cares? If my mulitude of blogs are still in any way attached to fb I wonder if it will void the delete request? I don't understand why they make you go through a waiting period. And yes, this is to delete, not just deactivate. I don't like the pressure of fb and the way it makes me feel like an "unpopular" middle school student. I know that's stupid but I can't divorce those feelings from my experience of it. It just feels gross.
I am having the worst time accepting what I've done to my body. It's like I have reverse anorexia. You know how anorexics are supposed to see themselves as fatter than they are? Well, I see myself as smaller than I am. Then I end up seeing a photo of myself taken by someone who didn't take into consideration angles or alerting fatty that she was about to have her picture taken, etc. It's not their fault, they didn't realize, it just made me miserable all day on Sunday and I still haven't completely recovered.
I can not just accept it and be all "fat power" or whatever. I'm not that type of person. It's awful and it's miserable being fat. I don't care what anyone says. This has been on my mind for a while now and I've found some serious encouragement from all the ladies (and some dudes) on Tumblr who are losing weight and writing about how difficult it is but also how positive. I don't know what it's actually going to take to make me do this thing but I'm trying again. I don't want to be super skinny, I don't even think that's possible for my body, I just don't want to be so lumpy. And I know I have to make peace with where I'm at if I actually want this to work... I've gotta figure this out. And stop eating around 2000 calories a day. Jeez. I started C25K again, and successfully completed all of day two, so that's a very positive sign. It's the eating/drinking that I can't get a handle on.
So I'm currently trying to manage this blog and two Tumblr blogs. I don't know why. I'm not that popular (see above). I'm tired and I've been feeling very uncreative lately so none of these blogs are doing terribly well. I need to just take some time to do nothing and think about nothing but it's not happening. Like at work, I spend my whole day trying to find things to do online rather than work. Instead of desperately searching for new things (there are only about 3 new things a day on the internet) I should try sitting silently for a few minutes to focus myself.
Well, that's about all I have for now. This may be the beginning of the end of this blog since I think the few people who read it usually do so from the fb links (Allen's particularly; don't get me started, I know I have cooties, but come on!). It is still possible to follow me if you want to and it's still free as far as I know. RSS, bookmarks, actually follow and get your picture on the blog...
Unpopular girls everywhere would appreciate it.
"Tiered Internet," indeed.
i have been alerted by the fat signal !
ReplyDeleteyo, dysmorphia comes in all shapes and sizes (no pun intended)- what you're experiencing is pretty normal. and while you may not have to accept that you love being overweight and that being overweight is the coolest best thing in the world, you do have to accept that your body is part of you and that you won't make any serious headway/changes to your health if you feel negatively about your body.
that said, easier said than done, right? it sounds like you have some positive changes on deck, but keep in mind that the process of changing your lifestyle and changing how you feel about yourself is like... something that will require work for the rest of your life, and will have ups and downs just like anything else, and any setbacks you may have are also normal and healthy. i know this is pretty impossible, but try not to be so hard on yourself.
p.s. you are popular with me
Thanks, Roxy. For all of that. I...Do...NOT...Cry...at...workkkkkkkkkkkk!
ReplyDeletei would be bummed if this blog ended.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tim. Can I call you Tim?
ReplyDeleteAnnie and you have so much in common but a conversation is unlikely to happen because the two of you are both so guarded. She also shuns fb. Goodreads made her feel self-concious and she quit that. We don't even have the net at home anymore.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know that I read your piece and I liked it.
Thanks, Jon. I total get that (what you said about me and Annie). Thanks for the comment!
ReplyDelete