My Totalitarian Regime

1. Everyone will know how to ride a public bus and the rules of the public bus will make sense. You will not be allowed to block the aisle or the exit if there is an open seat and you will not block open seats by sprawling yourself across them and looking mean. You will always pay when you get on.
2. Shoveling your sidewalk after it snows is mandatory. (I wrote that one last winter.)
3. Turn signals are also mandatory.
4. Pedestrians will have the right of way but they will also move at an appropriate pace.
5. You will not ride your bike on the sidewalk. It's not a "sidebike." Those will be created, however.
6. You will dress appropriately for the event.
7. No adult will wear any article of clothing that has a cartoon character printed on it.
8. Plus-size ladies will not wear t-shirts with stupid animal images on them, don't buy them!
9. When free food is put out for you, you will not take so much that those coming behind you receive nothing. Everyone will have some.
10. Gluttony will be punishable by death.
11. You will never ask someone about what they're eating unless you are VERY close with them. Nor will you ever tell them that it smells good. WTF are you supposed to say to that? Especially when it's not something you made? "Why, thank you. I normally prefer to eat food that smells like sewage."
12. You will not talk simply to hear your own voice or to "make conversation."
13. I realize it's unpopular these days, but Eugenics will be enforced. Here's why: Human reproduction at this point in history is a selfish, bizarre experiment for your own ego. There are already more than enough people on this planet, go find one of them to take care of if you feel the need to do such a thing. Also, it will save us all a lot of time and money.
14. Humans will be made insusceptible to bribery.
15. You will clean up after yourselves and use garbage bins. Just because you're done with your fast food garbage doesn't mean you get to let it casually fall to the ground no matter where you are. Littering will also be punishable by death. 
16. Everyone will learn at least one foreign language fluently, including writing and reading.
17. Everyone will learn THEIR OWN language fluently, including the grammar bits.
18. No one will make excuses or try to transfer blame unnecessarily. No one wants to hear it.
19. You will stop "me-firsting" every situation in your life. Particularly while driving.
20. You will not be able to use your phone while driving because it will not work.
21. You will not talk about or believe in ANY religion. It makes you sound like a crazy person. 
22. You will fucking evolve.