My favorite websites

I'm on the internet.  Like all day. \m/

http://jezebel.com/ and http://gawker.com/ (it's like watching The Daily Show to get all your news)
http://relentlesslyoptimistic.com/
http://www.thefader.com/category/music/
http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/
http://www.lookatthisfuckingperson.com/
http://catalogliving.net/
http://mst3k.wikia.com/wiki/Mystery_Science_Theater_3000_Wiki
http://www.alluc.org/tv-shows.html
http://c25k.com/ and http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml


and today's find:
http://1000awesomethings.com/
I thought it would be stupid but instead it's cute and true.

That Look is Precious.

Housewife Auditions

Teen Sex/Pregnancy is totally natural. Srsly. Think about it. Humans were made to reproduce soon after puberty and they were meant to be dead around 40. We have not evolved so much physically as we have in other ways. This explains a lot of issues, obesity, teen pregnancy, even mid-life crises. Because we aren't supposed to be that old! 
Our bodies go into survival mode because of our "diet mentality" and therefore hold onto fat as a defense mechanism, awaiting the next (mostly imaginary) famine. 


So. Those are some notes I found here that I apparently wrote a few days ago. I don't remember where I was going with either thought. Okay. That's a lie, I just don't feel like going on with them.

It's one of those days where I want to cry about everything and feel sorry for myself. Yeah, I have those days a lot. I think I need a non-traditional job. I think I want to be an organic farmer. Last week I wanted to be a book editor but NOT in New York cos I don't think you can afford to live there even if you have that job.

I need a career! I can't keep living like this! I wanted to be a nurse the week before but now it just seems like too much work to get there and then once you're there the hours are shitty. And I already owe like $90,000 in student loans. That is NOT an exaggeration. I end up owing $90,000 for what? So I can temp for the rest of my life? I know that I am never going to make a lot of money, probably never own a house, always be sad...

Gah. and meh. I don't want to be on TV but I might like working in TV. I want to write but I don't like to write on demand.

(One of the big HR people is in the office next door to me right now and I'm having a hard time restraining myself. I want to do terrible things to him as a symbol of my anger and frustration.)

I wish the economy and civilization would collapse. Maybe then I'd have a chance to be something/somebody. I don't know what that even means. I think I actually mean that I wish the economy and civilization would collapse so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

My head is so screwed up with weird expectations of what's supposed to be. I wish I was a stupid person, I don't think these things would bother me as much if I were.

Honestly, what I want is a return to women being housewives. I don't care if it's unpopular. I want to be a housewife and to have a husband who can take care of me and provide for me and ignore me all at the same time. And not like "Desperate" or "Real," but like 1950s tv show. I might even tolerate having a child if I could get back to that way of life.

My Totalitarian Regime

1. Everyone will know how to ride a public bus and the rules of the public bus will make sense. You will not be allowed to block the aisle or the exit if there is an open seat and you will not block open seats by sprawling yourself across them and looking mean. You will always pay when you get on.
2. Shoveling your sidewalk after it snows is mandatory. (I wrote that one last winter.)
3. Turn signals are also mandatory.
4. Pedestrians will have the right of way but they will also move at an appropriate pace.
5. You will not ride your bike on the sidewalk. It's not a "sidebike." Those will be created, however.
6. You will dress appropriately for the event.
7. No adult will wear any article of clothing that has a cartoon character printed on it.
8. Plus-size ladies will not wear t-shirts with stupid animal images on them, don't buy them!
9. When free food is put out for you, you will not take so much that those coming behind you receive nothing. Everyone will have some.
10. Gluttony will be punishable by death.
11. You will never ask someone about what they're eating unless you are VERY close with them. Nor will you ever tell them that it smells good. WTF are you supposed to say to that? Especially when it's not something you made? "Why, thank you. I normally prefer to eat food that smells like sewage."
12. You will not talk simply to hear your own voice or to "make conversation."
13. I realize it's unpopular these days, but Eugenics will be enforced. Here's why: Human reproduction at this point in history is a selfish, bizarre experiment for your own ego. There are already more than enough people on this planet, go find one of them to take care of if you feel the need to do such a thing. Also, it will save us all a lot of time and money.
14. Humans will be made insusceptible to bribery.
15. You will clean up after yourselves and use garbage bins. Just because you're done with your fast food garbage doesn't mean you get to let it casually fall to the ground no matter where you are. Littering will also be punishable by death. 
16. Everyone will learn at least one foreign language fluently, including writing and reading.
17. Everyone will learn THEIR OWN language fluently, including the grammar bits.
18. No one will make excuses or try to transfer blame unnecessarily. No one wants to hear it.
19. You will stop "me-firsting" every situation in your life. Particularly while driving.
20. You will not be able to use your phone while driving because it will not work.
21. You will not talk about or believe in ANY religion. It makes you sound like a crazy person. 
22. You will fucking evolve.

"I'm your secretary"

I said, "I'm still outta here, fb, but I just HAVE to get out one more rant about PITT: Srsly, Pitt, I've applied for at least 25 jobs with you over 3 years, had about 6 or 7 interviews, devotedly temp for you and you STILL insist on REJECTING me at every turn!!! WTF!!! WHAT DOES IT TAKE??? I think I'm gonna go open a vein on the steps over at Craig."

And that was how I ended my facebook dependence.

My Pitt dependence, on the other hand, continues. I received another rejection letter yesterday.

Based on the reactions to the above confession (25 applications, no acceptance), it seems that it's beyond time for me to move on.

When I share it and say it out loud, it becomes quite obvious that I'm being used.

And looking back, there's been a lot of insincerity. A lot of "we'd like to keep you, but..." Somehow I'm just not one of them so they give me their sad, puppy dog pouts and then stab me in the back.

But what the fuck do you move on to in PGH? I don't know computers, medicine, or bridge repair. Maybe CMU?

Oh, and I need to take my masters degree OFF my resume, it's holding me back. And add my work philosophy: "Point me toward the internet and leave me alone. I'll see you in 8 hours."

MyLastFBStatus

MyLastFBStatus, originally uploaded by jenghola.

I just remembered I have a flickr account and posted the screen cap of my last status update. I'm writing a post about it as we speak.

Zaftig, Madame?

Trying to delete my facebook account. Not sure it's going to work. And if it does, not sure if anyone will notice. Who cares? If my mulitude of blogs are still in any way attached to fb I wonder if it will void the delete request? I don't understand why they make you go through a waiting period. And yes, this is to delete, not just deactivate. I don't like the pressure of fb and the way it makes me feel like an "unpopular" middle school student. I know that's stupid but I can't divorce those feelings from my experience of it. It just feels gross.  

I am having the worst time accepting what I've done to my body. It's like I have reverse anorexia. You know how anorexics are supposed to see themselves as fatter than they are? Well, I see myself as smaller than I am. Then I end up seeing a photo of myself taken by someone who didn't take into consideration angles or alerting fatty that she was about to have her picture taken, etc. It's not their fault, they didn't realize, it just made me miserable all day on Sunday and I still haven't completely recovered.

I can not just accept it and be all "fat power" or whatever. I'm not that type of person. It's awful and it's miserable being fat. I don't care what anyone says. This has been on my mind for a while now and I've found some serious encouragement from all the ladies (and some dudes) on Tumblr who are losing weight and writing about how difficult it is but also how positive. I don't know what it's actually going to take to make me do this thing but I'm trying again. I don't want to be super skinny, I don't even think that's possible for my body, I just don't want to be so lumpy. And I know I have to make peace with where I'm at if I actually want this to work... I've gotta figure this out. And stop eating around 2000 calories a day. Jeez.  I started C25K again, and successfully completed all of day two, so that's a very positive sign. It's the eating/drinking that I can't get a handle on.

So I'm currently trying to manage this blog and two Tumblr blogs. I don't know why. I'm not that popular (see above). I'm tired and I've been feeling very uncreative lately so none of these blogs are doing terribly well. I need to just take some time to do nothing and think about nothing but it's not happening. Like at work, I spend my whole day trying to find things to do online rather than work. Instead of desperately searching for new things (there are only about 3 new things a day on the internet) I should try sitting silently for a few minutes to focus myself.

Well, that's about all I have for now. This may be the beginning of the end of this blog since I think the few people who read it usually do so from the fb links (Allen's particularly; don't get me started, I know I have cooties, but come on!). It is still possible to follow me if you want to and it's still free as far as I know. RSS, bookmarks, actually follow and get your picture on the blog...

Unpopular girls everywhere would appreciate it. 

"Tiered Internet," indeed.

This Is How It Feels

I've been thinking a lot of uncomfortable "thinks" lately. To commemorate this I've made another mixtape for you. It's called "Sad Sack" (that's the link) and I am not providing artists or titles in an attempt to avoid prejudice.  Although, I did provide some sample lyrics so you could figure out the songs from that. JFGI.

What a terrible couple of sentences! Anyway, here's a rough idea of what's on it and what each song means to me:


1. How it feels to hate yourself because of your appearance.
     "I wish you'd see yourself as beautiful as I see you."

2. How it feels to have to fake being ok every day.
    "Do you want me to smile? Well, I'll try."

3. How it feels to not have any control.
    "C'mon, mood, shift, shift back to good again. C'mon, be a friend."

4. How it feels to interact with other people.
    "I wish you the best, you snake."

5. How it feels to know your dreams, and the dreams of those you love the most, will never come true.  See song 6.
    "May all of your dreams come true."

6. How it feels to grow up poor.
    "Tell 'em all they can kiss our asses goodbye."

7. How it feels to know too much about your parents' relationship and how it has affected every aspect of your life. I am being dead serious when I tell you that I can't listen to this song without crying like a baby.

    "Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me."

8. How it feels to be constantly fucked over. See songs 5 and 6.
    "Must I weep and mourn?"

9. How it feels to fuck up when you're young.
    "She's feeling more alone than she ever has before."

10. How it feels to love someone who's just as fucked up as you are.
       "You're not free now; you're not innocent; you're transparent; and you're right."

11. How it feels when a friend dies and you know he was a better person than you'll ever be.
      "Goodbye my friend."

12. How it feels to feel ok sometimes. Even if it's artificial.
       "For all the shit, for all the dear departed, for all the war, we've still got beer."

13. How it feels to get older.
       "I'd rather stay here in my room; nothin' out there but sad and gloom."    

14. How it feels to keep on livin.'
       "Don't let them bring you down and don't let them fuck you around cuz those are your arms, that is your heart and no, no, they can't tear you apart."

See also: Allen's Brutal Kult True Death Mix