Old Me: Love is a cunning weaver of fantasies and fables.

It's still September 1992.  The "rowboat" develops:

I have big huge problems.  I can't talk.  Duh.  This is the dumbest problem but it's true and it's terrible.

The problem is he doesn't understand me without me telling him.  Nobody's ever cared enough to pry things out of me like this and I'm annoying the hell out of him.  But he's so rude.  (Why, he'll want to know why!)  (I hate that question.)  He's so rude because everything's my fault.  He doesn't understand that I've never had to "share things" like this.  It's really sweet though.  [How many contradictions can I fit in one paragraph?  A lot, obviously.]  I've never had or wanted to care about anybody else before.  I guess I don't understand how this relationship thing works.  That would explain most of my life then.  The only person I've ever had to care about was myself.  And I've never had to explain myself to anyone.  Not even Sarah.  I want to, I just don't know how.  I might do it for the attention (a little bit) but        [What?]

This will sound really childish but he makes fun of me.  I hate that.  That just makes me not want to tell him anything more.  My mom always yells at me and tells me no one can read my mind and I guess it's true.

This is starting to sound like my diary or something.  Time to move on.

But do I really want to?  What I really want to do may be a bad idea.  It might be too soon.  I want to apologize to Dave for being such a weed.  But why?  [Seriously.  Why?]  Because I'm totally disfunctional [sic] (that word isn't even in the dictionary!)  (How am I ever expected to learn how to spell a word if it doesn't even exist!)  [Maybe if you could spell it right you would find it in the dictionary.]


Let's get down to the real truth:

Why do I really want to apologize to Dave?

Because I cause him so much grief.

Because I want his forgiveness.  Because I like talking to him, because I like the attention, (I guess I can't hide from the truth) because he's my major source of enjoyment (that says something).

But!  Do I like him as a person or him as an attention giver?  That's a good question!  What's my honest answer?

Like - to be pleased with; enjoy

Yes, I like him but why am I pleased with; enjoy him?  I enjoy the attention, who wouldn't.  And I enjoy him as a person but am I pleased with him as a person?  Sometimes, yes.  But not always.  I'll have to think about that one.

[Later]
Guess what I'm going to write about!?  You're right!  How'd you guess?  I'm going crazy!  I can't believe he means this much to me.  I really want to talk to him.  I miss him.  It's only been two days!  I want to call him and apologize so bad!  He's been deliberately avoiding me in the hallways.  Dave #2 says that he said he's not but I know he must be.  Not necessarily though.  I didn't see him at all the first day of school...so.  He's not making any attempt to see me though.  I'm not exactly going out of my way either.

Tomorrow.  I'll think about it tomorrow.  Yeah, right, it's all I'll think about all night.  I'll apologize tomorrow.  Whether he'll accept or not is yet to be seen.

It's today.  I'm not even sure if he's here.  I hope he is.

Somebody really gets on my nerves.  A female somebody who thinks she's something great (I.M.O.)  But I can't stand her.  I was standing there, talking to April [my bff] and she comes right over and starts whispering something.  All I could do was stand there and give her dirty looks.  I've always hated her.  For over two years now.  [Always = over two years.  And I now have NO IDEA who I was referring to.]

I'm all wrote out about Dave and now I can't think of anything more to say about anything.

Sarah.  Sarah is one of the greatest people in the world.  But I'm a total weed.  She told me to call her but I haven't yet.  I really want to, though.  I wish I could just do it.  It could mean great things.  But it's just not happening.

I was just thinking - Dave (IMO) is impressed very easily.  I don't know why I'm thinking about that.  I believe it to be true from what I've seen.  If he doesn't accept my apology I'm going to be a miserable thing for a really long time.  Please, Please Please, Please, Please!  (A little begging never hurts anyone.)  (As long as it doesn't become a habit.)  I'll really try to do better the next time if he'll give me another chance.  [Gag.]

I lost my rowboat [for some reason we couldn't use the word "relationship" so we said "rowboat" instead].  It's gone off radar.  I don't know where it's going or why I would even be in a rowboat.  But I must say I'm thoroughly enthralled in what there is of this rowboat.  It's pretty damn interesting I think.  (I'm having trouble getting other people to think so.)

I honestly can't figure out how Doug and April have gone out for four months.  Whenever I'm around them they hardly speak.  But I can't say because I don't know too much about it.  April doesn't really talk about it and I've never asked.  She always seems to not really want to be around him (in school, anyway).

Sunday, September 20, 1992.  I'm terribly perplexed.  I guess I'll call Dave tonight.  We never finished our conversation from Friday night.  Things are getting pretty furry now.  I'm seriously considering forgetting about any thoughts I ever had about being more than friends.  I really don't know if it would be worth it.  But what am I going to tell him?  He won't tell me what he thinks and I don't know if he wants to be more than friends but he'll tell me things like that he really likes me (twice) and the kiss thing and then it's like he didn't mean it.  I don't know if he does or not.  And he's told Dave #2 that I wanted him to ask me out!  He's so ignorant.  I don't know what made him say that and I don't know why it bothers me so much.  And I also can't figure out why I like him so much.  I really can't understand it when he's such a butthead (great choice of words) sometimes.  That's what he wants to know and I can't seem to explain to him that I don't know so how can I tell him.

I wrote down everything I wrote there in a letter to him.  [I don't doubt it.]  I haven't got his reaction yet.  I don't know what to expect.

But I had a really good day - afternoon anyway.  Well, really just 5th and 6th periods.  But it's not important.

Have I mentioned that I had a perm at this period in time?  A curly perm.  My nephew once told me it made me look like Sammy Hagar.  And I would wear tights with cut-off shorts and my dad's work shirts.  Hot mess.
Next time I begin obsessing about Thanksgiving (it's still September), continue obsessing about "Dave," and give my opinion on "A Perfect Day for Bananafish" and the movie Singles.  Look out!