Dave and I are ready to kill each other. The last few days have been really strange. After [what] I'd say was a good weekend (Dave's house Friday, went to church [oh, it burns!] et football game Sunday) things started to get ugly. Tuesday he got terribly confused over the meaning of my letter, we talked rather strangely Tuesday night until I hung up on him (sorta). [How do you "sorta" hang up on someone?] Wednesday was pretty tense, Wednesday night (last night) he was being really ignorant and today - Thursday - I wrote him a pretty bad letter (after hanging up on him again last night. Hopefully we'll make up tonight. Waaaah. He's such a pain i' the butt. [Okay, let's address this here: I thought it was cool to change the word "in" to an "i'"... I don't know why.]
[I don't think I can insert a table here so I'll describe what's written next. There are two columns. One says: "Stay where I am" and the other says "Refuse to live with 'it'." This is in reference to my father moving back in. Under "Stay where I am" it says, "Have to fight with them constantly" and "things will eventually go right back to like they were before." Under "Refuse to live with 'it'" it says "Have a 'normal' life" and "have to fight with Janet constantly." Both are completely accurate and eventually come to fruition.]
H.A. just disrupted my peaceful rest which is good in a way or else I would've fallen asleep. I've had 12 hrs. of sleep in the past two days. Not enough. I hate it when someone wakes you up and then you can't go back to sleep. I think Dave stayed home today, I was sorta hoping he would but I didn't want April to stay home too. Well, not home, but she's watching animals being slaughtered or something grotesque like that [I don't know]. I had tons of fun yesterday. Nuff said.
2 or 3 years. I can't believe he would say 2 or 3 years. YEARS! Not that it's bad but I just can't imagine going out with someone for 2 or 3 years. Not me anyway. But then again, why not? It would be great if it would work. [I wrote the W in the second "would" in a way that makes it look like it could be either a W or a C.]
I'm starting to miss Seth again. I hate missing people, him especially. There are only 2 people I've ever missed a whole lot. Seth and John. But John's changed so much. I always wonder if he ever thinks about everything we used to do together. (Which was everything.) He doesn't seem to. We were almost inseparable when we were little. I knew him since birth. I don't understand how you can just not care about. I don't know. We did everything together. He even went to the bathroom with me. That's funny. Whenever I went to the bathroom at his house he wouldn't let me go alone, no matter how I protested. We played together all day long, watched really bad horror movies all the time, I went to his stupid soccer practices & games, and his baseball games, and even the grocery store. We even used to play doctor upstairs at my house, he was the first person I kissed. That's funny, too. I think we were 5. I remember I called him on the phone and told him I was coming over because I "had something for him." We were sitting on the hood of his mom's car and I kissed him on the cheek. It was so cute because he didn't like it at all.
I remember him rubbing my stomach. That seems really strange now but it didn't at the time. We were laying on the floor in his room [which had Smurf wallpaper] and he had his hand under my shirt rubbing my stomach. Why? And I always had to sit on his back because he wanted me to. He used to give me presents all the time for no reason and I never gave him anything. He gave me a charm necklace for no reason, I still have the hideous thing. [To this day I still have it. And I don't think it's hideous anymore.]That's depressing. I gotta think about something else.
I'm really confused about me and Dave. I don't know if it's going to work like this. I wish I knew what the cause of all his problems was. Now he's got to decide whether or not he should tell his mom. I want to say yes but that wouldn't solve anything, make things worse actually, but if he's willing to risk it...
I don't know what to do. I know I'm not doing anything right. At least I feel that way. I wish I could just say it's not my problem but it is now because he told me. I don't know if I regret him telling me or not. No. I'm glad I know but I don't know what to tell him. I can't imagine this happening to me.
I like Dave a lot but I'm beginning to wonder if I really love him. (I better not let him read this.) But I don't really know what love feels like. Sometimes I think it is but then I don't feel anything, like I don't even know him. It's like the only thing I know is this big secret and if he tells everyone it's just all going to be over. I don't want it to be that way but how do you find out things about people?
What can I write that's not about Dave? I've noticed I'm always sad in the morning and I'm always tired [some things never change]. I didn't do my homework last night. Worked on the hallway. No comments at the moment, it seems like a boring thing to write about anyway. I finally finished watching Truth or Dare last night. I thought that overall it was boring. ***Note to Dave: The two guys kissing wasn't anything special. The best parts are the stuff from the actual concert. Boring with a capital Bore. [Glad to see I've always been hard to impress.] I don't think Madonna's anything like most people think she is. I think most of it's just an act. [Really? Is that what you think?]
[... Some rambling ... I literally wrote "happy to be nappy" here ...]
[This sounds like me to this day:] I feel ill. This class is so unbearable.
I guess I should just title this thing "Dave." That's all I write about. And right now I feel like being mad at him. He's so confusing. I know I'm not exactly the most compassionate person [this has been verified]. I'm so tired of writing, I write constantly.
Sometimes I wish things were like before, like it was last year when, I guess you're never happy with what you have. Last year I wanted this but now I wish it was like before.
I'm afraid to get too attached to him because I guess I don't trust him [oh my god, I wish you would have followed your instincts! Not trustworthy!] I want to be but it doesn't seem possible. It's funny, but I don't really even know my real feelings toward him. Sometimes I think I do and then I don't think I like him at all, like Friday when I wrote down all those things about him, I don't feel bad about what I wrote but I would if he knew that I wrote them. [Bullshit.] April's, well I don't like April very much right now. I can't say why. It's just this feeling I have.
[... Stuff about my mom ... Stuff about some girl I don't remember but who claims she knew me from elementary school ... The thing about this girl is that she kept trying to be my friend on FB recently and I STILL don't remember her at all.]
I wonder if I could get Dave to tell me everything he thinks about this most bizarre relationship. Last night it was "you don't believe me." Don't believe what?! He never would tell me. Why doesn't he tell me straight out and I wanted to talk to him last night, too. If he meant what I think he did the scary thing is I do believe him.
I'm worried about me and Dave. We're not the greatest couple and I wish we could be but I know it's not possible. He told his comp[osition] class yesterday that he's bisexual. I don't know.
[Obviously picked up later here:]
I have a plan, I'm just going to write down the days events [ ... ]
 |
| "Was a outcast?" |
That's enough. How tragic. It's not embarrassing, maybe a little when they're all so ignorant about it [note that this all happened long before Glee was popular. Is Glee popular?]. Actually it's funny. But I like Dave, he's absolutely perfect (well, sometimes). I'd say all the time but he wouldn't like that. I just want to smooch all over his cute little face. (Wouldn't April die?!) But he needs to cut his hair. What an interesting comment. I ought to write all the things I feel about him, and be really honest with myself. And I should cry. But I just can't (unless I'm surrounded by a group of strangers). [I'm referring to an Al-anon group my mother and I attended together during this time.] I guess I do feel a little stupid about that but not really. But I never cry, I used to cry about it all the time. It being my life, about my parents, being sorry for myself. But I have to think about things to cry and that's why I don't think about things because it's so traumatic.
I wish he'd call! I miss hearing his voice. It's happening.
Love has to be the most painful emotion in the world. We'll probably never forget our first kiss. It was so funny, it scared me at first because I didn't know he was going to do it. I made some kind of strange noise, sometimes I feel really stupid that I did that but I shouldn't. [No, you shouldn't. And he had a waterbed.] It was funny in my opinion. Dave takes everything too seriously but I don't take things seriously enough. I wish I could try it again.
I guess deep down I've always known but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want it to be true but since it is it's not so bad. I knew it before he even admitted it. I don't think I'll ever forget that phone call [you will], he said "it was a _ _ _," I knew it as soon as he told me it was 3 letters and it was the scariest/worst thing I'd ever heard. I felt like it was at the time. I think that was the night he asked me out. I said yes.
They're asking me if it's true! Help! Jeremy told Mrs. Benoit that he told them. You should have saw [sic] her face. She didn't say anything.
[ ... ]
Dave is grounded, he can't talk on the phone. What the hell has he done now?! I'm so mad at him! I thought I was going to cry when she told me that. I'm so mad! I didn't cry though. I can't for some reason, I tried, I really did, but I'm more angry than mad. Mad at his mom more than him because she's such a hypocritical moron. [Funny.]
[Next are transcribed lyrics to "World In My Eyes" by Depeche Mode which has the following as the highest rated comment (147 thumbs up) on youtube: "Wanna have the best sex ever? Do it while listening to Depeche Mode :)"]
[Then:] Ain't it grand, Dave is lapsing back into Dave and I'm still mad. Mrs. Benoit asked me if he's really serious. I said yes. As far as I know and he seems to be telling me the truth.
For fucks sake. The melodrama is giving me a twitch. I've started mixing aliases with real names! What if someone reads this ... We'll leave it there. What if someone reads this?
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