Susan Boyle Is Better Than Me

I've been thinking a lot about dreams recently.  There are those of us who no longer bother with dreams because we realize there is no way they will ever be fulfilled and then there are people who are delusional.  I'm in the middle.  Trying to dream new dreams.  Primarily because I don't remember what the old ones were. 

Thinking back, and if you knew me at all you'd know that thinking and remembering are two of my greatest challenges, I used to dream of being...  Fuck it, I can't remember ever having any dreams.  I've never been that ambitious.  As you can see from that last sentence I tend to equate dreams with goals.  Which is fine since I never achieve either.

Right now my immediate goals (read: Dreams) are to do well at a job interview tomorrow (in Pittsburgh), quit my current job (in Pittsburgh), save some $ and get the hell out (of Pittsburgh).  Oh, and get health insurance.  First thing Ima do when I get health insurance again is demand anti-anxiety medication.  Do NOT doubt this!  There is an unwritten nine month deadline on moving.  If I miss it - well, I'm not going to miss it.  I'll go back to Cecil County if I have to.  That's a threat and a promise.     

Much of the content of the previous paragraph stems from my tendency to never be happy anywhere or with anything.  In nine months I will move and in 18 I will hate whatever the new situation is.  And dreams/goals: I never achieve them because I am always waiting for things to happen to me instead of actively doing anything about them.  That way I can be irrationally angry about more things. 

Here is a list, in no particular order, of things I would like to do:
I would like to be an iPod DJ (because I would be better than you, you're clearing the floor with that thing!).
I would like to attend drag shows (because I like them).
I would like to start running (again).
I would like to own a laptop (how pathetic is that? It's 2009, almost 2010, and I don't have a laptop; if you want to buy me a laptop you may).
I would like to travel.  I would say "travel more" but I don't really go anywhere at all these days.  (No money, honey.  If you would like to pay for me to come visit you, I will do it.) 
I would like to go to see bands or comedians or shows that I'm interested in when they come to a town near me.

My point with this pathetic list is that these things are all easily do-able and they are things that lots of people do all the time.  But for some reason I can't do them.  Because of the anxiety, hence, the first thing Ima do = anti-anxiety meds.    

Now, this is just sad.  I wanted to start this blog to see if I could be funny again but I am so messed up that something that I had planned to be funny just turned pathetic.  Susan Boyle may be better than me but what i've just done here -That's talent.