New Year?

Why? The existential "why?" Why does there have to be another year?

I'm sure I won't want you to read this tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I want to say. As usual. I'm letting this... thing... wash over me right now. And it's always the little things that trigger it.

And I always feel stress. When I know, when I step back and look at my life... when I know everything's okay. But I'm permanently clenching my jaw, waiting for whatever it is to happen. KNOWING it's going to happen. But not knowing what it is. This heightened sense of awareness. Like permanently waiting for your drunk father to come home and never knowing what's going to happen when he does...

I hope this isn't too personal but the concept of feeling "safe" and feeling like you have a place to call home came up tonight and I can be very sarcastic about these things, but really, isn't that all any of us really want?  Safety, security? A place where we can be ourselves? So what is this insecurity that we all feel? Assuming that everyone hates us because they're also avoiding feelings that make them uncomfortable.

Unless we're really that annoying?

I can't tell.

And the thing I'm thinking about, while two of us are watching this together right now, is that maybe we don't change that much. Maybe all of us who wanted to kill ourselves when we're 16... and 17, 18, etc., the thoughts seem to be more sporadic as you grow older... will always still feel that, even though they do tend to become more sporadic. They still creep in every once and a while.

And I think what makes it worse are those sporadic relationships I tend to have where I *think* I've found someone who could matter to me... Yet no matter what, I end up feeling like the weirdo and things just fizzle out.

Which reinforces the feelings that I am wrong and bad and just not right in some way.

And talking doesn't do a damn thing. Maybe in the short term but in the long term, no. I don't think it works for me.

Because it's never enough. It doesn't change me fundamentally, which is, I guess, what I need to have happen. Yet some days it's okay. When I can just realize I'm an asshole and be okay with that. But some days it's not enough and the abandonment issues kick in. Or maybe it's just selfishness...

I don't know.